


My Hero

by DesiSkorm



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Blood and Gore, Dark, Death, Drama, Eventual Smut, F/M, Family, Fantasy, First Love, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Enemies, Friendship, Jealousy, Kidnapping, Male-Female Friendship, Memory Loss, Post-Apocalypse, Titans, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-12-26
Packaged: 2020-02-18 12:34:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 49
Words: 64,713
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18699712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DesiSkorm/pseuds/DesiSkorm
Summary: Ever since she was a small child Desi was destined to cross paths with Erwin Smith - the one man she considers to be the hope of mankind. That's where our story begins.Spoiler Warning: The story will contain spoilers from the anime, even as far as Season 3, if I decide to take it that far ahead.P.S. I have been itching to write an AOT fanfic for so long. So when a clear enough idea finally formed in my mind, I decided it was time to make it a reality. I'm usually against the idea of making myself an Original Character in my fanfics, even if I could have easily done so in almost every single one. But this one felt right, since it's more or less dedicated to how I feel about Erwin Smith's character.





	1. Chapter 1

The Survey Corps are finally back from their expedition outside the walls. My heart feels like it will explode from excitement.  
\- Mommy, mommy, look!  
I pull my mom by the sleeve.  
\- Yes, dear, I know.  
She looks at me with a smile, and eyes that say _“Here we go again”_.  
My gaze is wandering around, until I finally find him. **Erwin Smith** \- The man, who had become my hero ever since I first laid eyes on him. A big smile forms on my lips. I can't hold my excitement back anymore, so I run towards the Survey Corps. My mom tries to stop me, but fails, and is forced to run after me. I stop upon reaching his horse, and say (or more like shout) the first silly thought that is swimming around my mind.  
\- You are very beautiful!  
Erwin Smith stops his horse, and turns to look at me. He is dumbfounded at first, not sure how to react. But then he smiles warmly, and responds.  
\- Not as beautiful as you, Young Lady.  
At that point a blush has already spread across my whole face, and I completely lose the ability to speak. My mom catches up to me, and immediately starts to apologize for my behavior.  
\- Please, forgive my daughter for bothering you like this.  
\- There is no need to apologize. I’m not bothered at all.  
Erwin turns to look at me once more.  
\- What is your name?  
\- It’s Desi . – I somehow remember in my half-dazed state.  
\- That is a very nice name. I am sure you will grow up to be a very beautiful lady.  
And that is when I decide this is the perfect moment to let my painfully honest side out once more.  
\- I want to be in the Survey Corps when I grow up!  
Quite a few people from the crowd around us look at me and scoff. But Erwin Smith isn’t one of them. The smile doesn't leave his face when he tells me the words I later swear to never forget.  
\- In that case, I will be waiting for you.  
\- Oi, Erwin, time to go!  
A raven haired man speaks up. He is the well-known Levi, Humanity’s strongest. I admire him, but he sometimes gives me the creeps. My eyes follow Erwin, as he moves away. This can easily be described as the happiest moment of my short life. It is, of course, rudely interrupted by a few townsfolk, who as usually decide to badmouth the members of the Survey Corps.  
\- Are they crazy?? They keep going outside of the walls where the Titans are. And for what? To die like complete idiots.  
\- I swear, it’s like the taxes we pay go for Titan food.  
A rage storm is brewing inside of me. How dare they speak such nonsense? Can they be more ignorant?  
\- Shut up, you jerks! Show some respect!  
I shout at them, which earns me a lot of angry looks, and my mom is quick to take me away before something worse happens.  
\- I swear, someday you will get yourself in a lot of trouble!  
Once we are back home my mom makes sure to scold me, like every other time I play a fearless hero. But that is okay. I am used to it, and besides I know something many people aren't even aware of. I might be just a little kid, but unlike many I am able to see the bigger picture. I understand the importance of the Survey Corps and their mission, and my true desire is to be like them one day; to be like him, or at the very least serve under his command. Yes, these are the thoughts of a 10 year old.

**Shiganshina District, Year 845**

I will remember this day for as long as I live, as will the rest of humanity. It is the beginning of the end; the giant red hand up on the wall, which leads to the deaths of many. On this day mankind remembered the fear of oppression under them, and the humiliation of being caged like birds. 

My whole body is shaking, but I will myself to keep running as fast as I can. Just a little more and we will be safe. We have almost reached the ship that would take us to the inner walls. I am running right next to my mom, but the crowd is too big and I feel people pushing me from all sides. In one dreadful moment I am separated from my family as a man literally shoves my body away and I fall down, my head hitting the ground hard. I can barely make out my mother’s voice, while she tries to find me in the sea of people, as the last of my consciousness slips away and everything goes dark. 

I am awaken by a loud crash. Aside from that, my surroundings seem way too quiet. My head is throbbing from the pain, my view is blurry and I struggle to focus my eyes. When I finally succeed to do so, a silent scream hitches in my throat. I am faced with a Titan. I can’t help but notice its unusual armor like skin, but what really strikes me is the fact I am not approached, or attacked in any way. Before I can make more sense of my situation, someone approaches me from behind, wraps an arm around my small body and we take off in the air. As confused as my state of mind currently is, I can’t help but feel a strange sense of excitement. My body feels weightless. I turn my head around to look at my savior, and a warm wave envelops my whole being. Blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. They somehow feel familiar, but I can’t quite grasp why. So I simply close my eyes, and enjoy the blissful feelings of security and warmth, emitted from this person. 

When we finally touch the ground, he puts me down. My legs are still quite shaky, both from the terrifying experience and the time I spent in his arms.  
\- Are you alright? You don’t seem to be hurt anywhere.  
He studies my body, and I can’t help but avert my eyes.  
\- Yes, I’m fine – I mumble – but I think I hit my head.  
\- I see. We need to find your family. Tell me your name.  
\- My…name?  
I struggle to remember, but a strong headache threatens to split my head open.  
\- I’m sorry…I have no idea…  
\- Hmm, in that case I will take you to where the rest of the refugees are. You might find your parents there. Follow me.  
\- Excuse me, ummm, where are we now?  
I can’t help but ask. The man stops.  
\- We are inside Wall Rose. Wall Maria was overtaken by titans, and all survivors were escorted here.  
\- I...see…  
He starts walking once more, and I follow close behind him. It isn’t long before we make it to our destination.  
\- We’re here. – he informs me, and calls out to a younger man.  
\- This girl was alone when I found her. She says she hit her head bad, and doesn’t seem to remember who she is. Help her find her family, if possible.  
\- Yes, Sir.  
As the man is about to leave, I quickly grab him by his sleeve.  
\- Umm…thank you…for saving me… - is all I can manage with a trembling voice.  
He turns around, smiles at me and in no time is on his way. That is the last I see of my mysterious savior, at least for a while.


	2. Chapter 2

**Training Corps, Year 849**

\- Cut it out, Jean, or we’ll be late!  
\- You make it too easy to tease you.  
Jean grins at me, and hurries ahead.  
\- Oh, I’ll show you once I make it in the Survey Corps.  
I catch up to him.  
\- With your tiny body? I don’t think so. Besides, why would you even want to join them? You’re out of your mind, I’ll tell you that.  
\- Hey! My body is just fine! In fact, I am the same height as Captain Levi.  
\- Why would you even be proud of that? And it’s not like you are as strong as him.  
\- I could be!  
Jean only snickers at my comment.  
\- In any case, it’s much better than joining the Military Police. They only know how to slack off, and their attitude is the worst.  
\- Maybe, but they’re safe inside the walls, and that’s more than enough for me.  
\- There is no such thing as being safe inside the walls. Remember what happened to Wall Maria? Besides, I prefer to be of help to humanity, rather than rot inside the walls, and live in fear of the day the titans will break down another wall.  
Jean only shrugs his shoulders.  
\- Suit yourself. Just don’t get yourself killed.  
\- Don’t worry; I won’t give you that satisfaction.  
We walk in silence for a bit, until Jean remembers something.  
\- Are you sure it has nothing to do with Commander Smith?  
He nudges me playfully. I can't help but blush slightly, and get annoyed at his insinuation.  
\- O-of course not! My sense of duty has nothing to do with Commander Smith! No way!  
\- Alright, alright, no need to get all defensive.  
_“Two can play this game, Jean”._  
\- Are you sure you’re not just jealous, Jean? You can be honest, and tell me you like me.  
\- **JEALOUS?!** Why would I be jealous?? Besides… **BESIDES** , I don’t like you! Like at all! Who would even like a girl like you…?  
Jean’s deep red blush is much more honest than he would ever admit. It makes me chuckle, and satisfied with winning our little argument. I run ahead, leaving a very irritated Jean to try and catch up to me.  
I make it just in time, and join the rest of the cadets. When Jean finally makes it, he is trying to catch his breath.  
\- Jean Kirstein!  
Captain Levi’s voice makes him jump, and Jean immediately salutes him.  
\- Yes, Sir!  
\- What was more important than being here on time?  
Jean gulps hard, and sends an angry look my way.  
\- Absolutely nothing, Sir! I apologize!  
\- Thanks to you, everyone will have to train longer than usual.  
Jean feels shivers down his spine when everyone’s gazes are turned towards him. He quickly takes his proper place.  
\- Nice job, horse-face!  
Eren quickly snaps at him.  
\- You have something to share with us, Jaeger?  
\- No, Sir!  
\- Now, if you two are done with being idiots, we can begin today’s training. 

***

\- Argh, my whole body hurts.  
Me and Jean are taking a small walk before dinner.  
\- That’s what you get for being late, Jean. – I answer him.  
Jean clenches his teeth in irritation.  
\- How about you? Why aren’t you in pain?  
\- I am. But I don’t whine about it like you do.  
I stick out my tongue at him. He gets annoyed at first, but then smiles mischievously.  
\- Oh, really, I’ll show you.  
\- H-hey, don’t tickle me! That’s not fair! Stop it!  
I try to squirm away from him, but end up tripping and falling on the ground, with Jean moving quickly and trapping me under his weight.  
\- I win, Shortie.  
\- Get off of me, Jean!  
\- Not a chance.  
We hear someone approach us, and I look up. In a matter of seconds I push Jean away from me with all the strength I can manage, and jump up to salute Commander Erwin Smith. Jean does the same.  
\- Good evening, cadets. Is everything alright?  
I try not to pay attention to his deep voice, which practically makes my legs jelly, and answer quickly.  
\- Yes, Sir. We were just…going through a bit of combat training on our own, right, Jean?  
I jab him in the ribs.  
\- Ouch…I mean, yes, yes, that’s true.  
\- Is that so?  
Commander Erwin smiles slightly.  
\- I like hard-working cadets, but it’s already dinner time. You should join the others.  
\- Yes, Sir, we will.  
I answer him, and gesture for Jean to follow me. But the Commander stops me in my tracks.  
\- Desi, I would like to speak with you in my office after you’re done with dinner.  
My heart is hammering in my chest.  
\- Is everything alright, Sir?  
\- Yes, don’t worry, but I need to discuss something with you. Don’t be late.  
\- Y-yes, Commander.  
When the two of us are alone once more, Jean can’t help himself and pokes my cheek.  
\- You’re blushing, Shortie.  
\- Oh, shut up.  
I swat his hand away, and stomp impatiently towards the cabin where the others are. A low dissatisfied growl leaves his throat, before he follows me in a visibly horrible mood.

***

My stomach is tied up in a big knot as I slowly make my way to Commander Smith’s office. I barely touched my dinner, and had to deal with a very moody (for whatever reason) Jean. And now I can’t stop myself from being as nervous as one can possibly be. I try to clear my head, and knock lightly on the wooden door in front of me.  
\- Come in.  
I hear Commander Smith’s muffled voice. I will myself to move, and slowly open the door. Erwin Smith looks up from a pile of documents.  
\- Ah, it’s you, Desi. Come here and sit down.  
\- Yes, Sir.  
I make my way to the chair in front of his desk. After he puts his signature on one of the documents, he looks up at me once more.  
\- Excuse me, a lot of these were sent to me today, and are apparently urgent. But, if you ask me, that’s what they say about every single document.  
He shakes his head, and smiles to himself. I’ve seen quite a bit of his expressions these couple of years, and at this point I can easily discern the different types of smiles he uses on a daily basis. For someone of his rank he sure smiles a lot. But that’s what makes him even more special. I am awoken from my daydreaming (well, nightdreaming) state when the Commander speaks up once more.  
\- Desi, there is something important I must speak to you about.  
A cold shiver runs through my whole body. There it is, a feeling of panic that I’m about to hear something very bad.  
\- Are you alright? You look very nervous.  
The Commander moves next to me, with a look of concern on his face. I gulp hard, in an attempt to clear my throat.  
\- Yes…I will be fine. What do you need to discuss with me, Commander?  
\- It’s about your parents.  
\- My parents?  
I relax a bit, but I am still on edge. I mean, I am already pretty much used to the news that I'm practically an orphan. Furthermore, I have no memory of what happened before I was rescued by Commander Smith. Afterwards Jean’s family took me in. My life with them and joining the 104th trainee squad with Jean wasn’t bad at all. On the contrary, I am actually very happy. But somewhere, in the back of my mind, remains the need to know who I really am, and what happened to my real family.  
\- As you already know, I’ve been trying to locate them, but to no avail. Until…  
The Commander makes a brief pause. My heart is aching in my chest. I have a very bad feeling about this.  
\- Today, I finally received news about them. I have a good friend in the Military Police. I spoke with him today, and he told me he found your parents.  
I will myself to speak.  
\- Where…I mean…Are they…okay?  
\- They’re…dead, Desi. Their bodies were discovered last night. They were murdered. I’m very sorry…  
I can't react in any way. My mind is completely empty; I'm unable to comprehend the Commander’s words. They’re…dead…My real family…is dead…murdered…What...What if I can’t get my memory back? What if I never remember anything about them for the rest of my life? How can I possibly face myself? I was fine with living a lie, as long as I had a tiny glimmer of hope. But now…now…  
\- Desi…  
I have no idea I'm crying, until the Commander wipes a tear that leaves my eye. I can't control my body anymore, and cling to him, pressing my face against his chest, and letting the tears fall free. He gently holds on to me, and cradles me in his embrace until the very last tear drop is out of my system.


	3. Chapter 3

\- Ngh…  
I shift a bit, and struggle to open my eyes.  
\- Wh…at…  
My mind is fuzzy. Am I…in bed? It feels warm, like a bed. But I don’t remember going to bed…The last thing I remember is speaking to Commander Smith, and…that’s about it. I finally manage to open my eyes.  
\- Huh? This isn’t my bed.  
I immediately get up in a sitting position, which causes my head to throb in pain.  
\- Ouch…damn, that hurts…  
I rub my temples, and look around. This is Commander Smith’s office.  
\- But why am I still here? And why am I lying down on the sofa?  
I notice my body is covered with a blanket.  
\- Did the Commander…  
And I turn bright red. What did I even do last night?? Sure, I’m still wearing my clothes, but I can't recall all the events that had taken place. There’s no way I would…would I??? And before I can fall in a deep panic, the door opens.  
\- Ah, Desi, you’re up.  
And my shock and embarrassment grows even more.  
\- C-commander Smith!  
I let out a nervous chuckle.  
\- Good morning, Sir!  
I salute him, which probably looks very comical, since I am still sitting on the sofa, and half covered with a blanket. He laughs wholeheartedly at the whole situation. Ah, damn, another new smile. If he keeps making those, my heart won’t be able to handle it.  
\- Excuse me for laughing, but your passion to always address me properly is adorable, and your disheveled hair is very cute.  
\- Eh?  
My hands immediately fly to my hair, in a useless attempt to fix it somehow. That only serves to make Commander Smith let out another cheerful laugh, which makes me a hundred times more embarrassed, if that’s even possible at this point. He then clears his throat, and attempts to sound a bit more serious.  
\- Anyway, do you feel any better?  
Thank God for the change of subject!  
\- Well, I guess so. As better as I can be. I guess crying does help sometimes. But…Commander, what happened – I gulp hard – last night? I mean…why am I here? I don’t…really remember anything after our conversation. I apologize…  
\- Oh, no, there’s no need to apologize. It’s perfectly normal for you to not remember. You seemed to have lost consciousness after crying for so long, and I didn’t want to risk waking you up, so I let you sleep here. Besides, I don’t think it was a good idea to carry you all the way to the cabin where the rest of the girls were sleeping, since a lot of strange rumors might take place.  
\- Ah...yes, you’re right. Thank you very much for your consideration.  
_“Of course nothing else happened, you idiot.”_ I scold myself internally.  
\- Desi…I know it’s hard for you, but do you want to continue the conversation we started yesterday? There are still things you don’t know.  
\- **NO!**  
My reaction surprises even me.  
\- I mean… No, I don’t really want to know, at least for now. I am very grateful to you for doing all of this for me, but I’m not ready to face all the facts just yet. I need some more time to process everything.  
\- Of course, I understand.  
The atmosphere around us changes once more. I am thinking that it’s finally time for me to leave when the Commander interrupts my thoughts.  
\- Since you’re here anyway, and it’s a bit too early for breakfast, would you like to join me for coffee?  
I am surprised by his invitation. Of course I would like to join him, but is that even appropriate? I fidget in my spot.  
\- There’s nothing to worry about. Just because I’m your Commander, that doesn’t mean we can’t have a cup of coffee together.  
Am I that easy to read? Or I’m just horrible at hiding my true feelings. Either way, I decide to abandon my logic for now, and go with what my heart wants.  
\- Yes, you’re right, I would love that.  
\- Perfect. I’ll make coffee, and be right back.  
I nod slightly, and the Commander leaves the office. Then it hits me.  
\- Wait, since when does Commander Smith make coffee himself??

***

\- Ah, these peaceful moments are so rare.  
I can't help but agree. I can only imagine what Commander Smith has been going through ever since the attack on Shiganshina District, and the fall of Wall Maria. He had to carry such a huge weight on his shoulders. Anyone else would have probably cracked under the pressure. And yet, it didn’t show on his face, or in his actions in any way. He was as disciplined as ever. The best leader anyone could ask for.  
\- Is there something on your mind, Desi?  
\- Eh, no, it’s nothing. I’m simply enjoying the coffee.  
\- I hope it doesn’t taste too bad for you. I must admit, I’m not very good at this.  
\- No, no, not at all. It’s great, thank you for the gesture.  
As if I would ever tell him otherwise. I can't be happier, and besides the coffee doesn't taste half bad. But as happy as this whole situation is making me, I can’t shake the dull aching in my heart, like I don’t really belong here, or by his side. What am I even doing? Casually drinking coffee with the Commander, of all people. I never even imagined I would be this close to him. I should find a reason to leave.  
\- You know, Desi…  
And my chance slips away once more.  
\- A couple of years back, there was this girl in Shiganshina District. Whenever the Survey Corps were back from an expedition outside the walls, I saw her in the crowd. She was looking at me, and had a huge smile on her face. Doesn’t matter how bad we did, or how many times we failed, she always welcomed us with a smile. I think that gave me a lot of strength to keep going forward, and confidence in our mission. I don’t remember much from her appearance, but I do remember she once came to me and told me that I’m very beautiful.  
The Commander chuckles.  
\- Out of all things she could have said, she uttered those words. She was looking at me with those big green eyes, and I could swear they were sparkling. It was incredibly cute.  
Commander Smith turns to look at me, and the rest of the story is lost somewhere in his mind. I am looking at him with my lips half open and with confusion in my green eyes. I can swear something unspoken happens between us in these mere seconds. It’s like those blue eyes of his are looking straight at my soul. I can't handle the pressure of the situation, and the headache forming in my head, like it's forcing me to remember something I’ve long forgotten. So I quickly excuse myself and literally run out of the office. After I close the door behind me, my body grows weak and I slide down to the floor. What the hell was that? 

***

Commander Smith was still very confused.  
\- I’m probably imagining things.  
He shook his head, and finished the coffee. There was a big day ahead of him, and he needed his mind to be focused on his duties.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was finally time for a little bit of fluff! I am enjoying this story much more than I thought I would ^_^


	4. Chapter 4

\- Where the hell have you been?!?  
Jean’s shout scares the hell out of me.  
\- Are you crazy?? Don’t just jump out of nowhere, and shout like this!  
\- Don’t change the subject! You were gone the whole night.  
\- Are you my stalker, or something??  
\- Look here, Desi, don’t get on my nerves any more than you already have! Where were you all night? Don’t tell me you spent the night with…  
\- That’s none of your business!  
Most of the cadets forget about their breakfast, and are looking at us curiously. It doesn't really help that both of us are shouting.  
\- Come with me!  
Jean pulls on my arm hard, and drags me outside.  
\- H-hey, let go!  
\- Not a chance.  
\- What the hell is your problem?!  
Jean pushes me against a wall, ignores the small whimper I let out, and slams one of his hands next to my face.  
\- You really want to know what my problem is?? You are my problem! Do you have any idea how I felt?! I couldn’t sleep at all.  
\- And why should I care about that?!  
Anger is clouding my better judgment, and I am not even trying to be careful with my words.  
\- Why, you ask…I’m very tired, you know…I’m very tired of you and your infatuation with the damn Commander. He’s more than twice your age, damn it! Do you really miss your father to such an extent, that you felt you needed a new one??  
I slap him hard.  
\- How dare you bring my father into your stupid argument?? It’s none of your business what I do, and with whom!  
He looks at me with what I can only describe as deep hurt. But I can’t bring myself to care. He crossed the line big time.  
\- Move, Jean.  
\- I won’t.  
\- I said, move.  
\- And I said I won’t.  
\- Don’t be an idiot.  
I am trying hard to hold back from making things worse than they already are, but he isn’t helping me one bit. I let out a deep frustrated sigh.  
\- What do you want from me, Jean?  
\- I want you…  
And with that he closes the distance between us in one swift motion, and presses his lips against mine. I can't react for a bit, shocked by his sudden actions. He tries to deepen the kiss, and I can hear a voice in my head scream for him to stop. I try to push him away, but he refuses to let me. So I do the next thing I can think of. I bite his lip hard. I can finally breathe properly, and not sure what to do with what just happened, I will myself to get the hell away from here.  
\- Why can’t it be me?  
\- What…  
I stop and turn my gaze back at him.  
\- Why can’t you look at me for once in your life? Is he so much better than me?  
\- Jean, stop this…it’s stupid. You are jumping to conclusions.  
\- Am I, really? Are you going to deny you have feelings for him?  
\- What I have, or don’t have isn’t what’s important. Nothing will ever happen. Nothing happened last night, and nothing will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or at any point in the future. So, just…stop…will you?  
Jean refuses to answer in any way, so I take my leave. 

***

\- As you all know, the end of your training days will soon come. You will go through a special mission, which will determine the top ten graduates. Only they have the privilege to apply to the Military Police Brigade, if that is what they decide to do. The rest of you can only choose between joining the Survey Corps and the Garrison. Some of you have shown a great deal of potential, and I can’t wait to see what you will accomplish in the near future.  
Captain Levi is giving us one of his usual speeches, which I would enjoy any other day, but I feel horrible. I feel someone poke my arm, and I turn around to look at Eren.  
\- Hey, is everything alright? Did horse-face do something stupid again?  
Before I can answer him in any way, the Captain’s voice rings around us.  
\- I suggest you don’t interrupt me, unless you don’t want to graduate, Jaeger!  
\- Yes, Sir! I’m sorry, Sir!  
\- Tch, I swear I have to deal with the biggest brats around here.  
His remark makes me smile slightly, my heart a bit more at ease.  
\- Now, everyone, grab your 3D Maneuver Gear, and show me what you can do. You have 5 minutes to locate all Titan dummies, and subjugate them. Now, go! And don’t forget to work as a team!  
\- Yes, Sir! - We all exclaim together. 

***

I swear, nothing feels better than moving in the air like this. I probably won’t enjoy it as much when I am against actual Titans, but one thing is for sure – I will do the best I can. I glance to my side, and a big smile forms on my lips. I found one of the dummies. I look around me, and I can spot Bertolt, so I call out to him.  
\- Hey, Bertolt, I found one!  
He moves closer to me, and gives me a big smile.  
\- Go for it, Desi!  
I nod, and aim for the dummy’s “neck”. I can already taste my success when Jean comes out of nowhere and slices a chunk of it instead. That takes me by surprise, and I struggle to properly handle my 3D Maneuver Gear to avoid colliding with him, which results in me falling on the ground in a loud thud.  
\- DESI! Are you alright?  
Bertolt quickly lands next to me, and helps me up.  
\- Argh, that hurts.  
My body is trembling in pain from the bruises on my arms and legs.  
\- Desi…  
I see Jean approach me, but I don’t pay any attention to him. Instead, Bertolt is the one who speaks up.  
\- Do you have any idea what you’re doing? She could have been seriously hurt. Pay more attention to your surroundings!  
I’ve never heard Bertolt raise his voice before. He’s one of the calmest people I’ve ever seen.  
\- Bert, I’ll be fine. We need to continue with our task; otherwise we’ll be scolded by Captain Levi.  
I want to avoid any further conflict, if possible, so I fix my equipment and reassure him I’m fine.  
\- Alright, if you say so. Let’s go.  
\- Yeah.  
I follow after him, and try to move my body in ways that won’t make it hurt too much. We leave Jean behind in his spot. 

***

\- Seems like your task was successful. All the dummies were taken care of on time.  
Everyone is visibly proud of themselves, and celebrating our little success.  
\- Don’t let it get to your heads now. Facing the actual Titans will be much different, and you need to always be careful, and give your best in battle.  
\- Yes, Sir!  
\- There is one thing I am disappointed by, though.  
Everyone goes quiet.  
\- I am certain I told you to work as a team. Isn’t that right, Jean Kirstein?  
\- Yes…Sir…  
\- Is there something you would like to share with the rest of us?  
\- I wasn’t careful…and I caused the injury of another cadet…I apologize.  
\- This should never happen during an actual fight. Do I make myself clear?  
\- Yes…Yes, Sir.  
\- Captain Levi!  
I raise my voice. Captain Levi looks my way.  
\- Do you have anything to say?  
\- Yes, yes, I do. Jean wasn’t the only one responsible for the incident. I wasn’t being careful myself, so he isn’t to blame! If you want to scold him, please scold me as well!  
Jean looks at me in bewilderment.  
\- Alright, then. In that case, both of you will receive the appropriate punishment. I want the two of you to clean the cabins before dinner. If I see a single speck of dust, you will have to do it all over again. Is that clear?  
\- Thank you, Sir!  
I salute Captain Levi, and he makes a gesture for all of us to be on our way. 

***

We start cleaning in silence. I try to avoid being around Jean as much as possible, but at one point I don't have that luxury anymore. So, instead, I try my best to focus on my task, and not pay attention to the pain.  
\- Um, Desi…  
My whole body flinches when Jean finally breaks the silence.  
\- I’m sorry for everything that happened today…You know…what I did earlier and your injuries…I screwed up big time…  
I clench my hands in fists. I'm not angry, not anymore, I am just in pain. It hurts me to be this distant from Jean, and to be in bad terms with him. But I don’t really know how else to face his feelings.  
\- Jean…  
I turn around, and look at him.  
\- I don’t want to fight with you anymore…But there’s nothing I can do about what happened today. I knew you liked me for quite a while now, but because I couldn’t return your feelings, I was hoping they would go away with time. I’m sorry, but I can't change how I feel.  
\- I understand…I don’t want to fight either. It was selfish of me to behave this way, and I want our friendship back. Can we…somehow be friends once more?  
\- What are you talking about, silly? We never stopped being friends.  
I ruffle his hair, and try to sound as cheerful as possible.  
\- Hey, don’t treat me like a kid.  
He tries to protest, but can't hide his smile.  
\- Then don’t act like one.  
I wink at him, and resume cleaning. Jean lets out a sigh of relief, and does the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this was a long chapter. I didn't even realize it, until I was near the end, but decided to keep it this way x3


	5. Chapter 5

I toss and turn in bed for about an hour before I decide enough is enough. I simply can’t fall asleep. I get up, put my jacket on and quietly move out of the cabin. I don't want to disturb the rest of the girls.  
\- Can’t sleep?  
I nearly scream when I hear a voice behind me. I turn around, and see Mikasa.  
\- Damn, Mikasa, you scared me. Yes, I can’t fall asleep. What about you? Why are you still awake?  
\- Hmm, I guess I have a lot on my mind.  
Amazing, she remains as expressionless as ever.  
\- Well, that makes two of us. I will go out for a bit of fresh air. Good night, Mikasa.  
\- Night.  
If I were Eren, she would have probably been all over me by now. I chuckle internally, and walk out into the night.  
\- She will definitely kill me, if I ever say those words out loud. – I mumble to myself.  
The cool night air and the slight wind that plays with my hair invite me to take a walk around. I wonder how long I can revel in this peaceful world. Not too long, that’s for sure. Peace is a luxury for the birds trapped in a cage. That’s why I need to learn to fly free, and the only way to do so is by entering the Survey Corps. Somehow, even with losing my memory, I still believe this has always been the only path for me. It feels right, as simple as that. I am so lost in my thoughts; I don't even realize how long I’ve been walking. I decide to sit down on the grass, and enjoy the night scenery. There are so many stars tonight. I wonder what the outside world looks like, and what kind of sceneries it has to offer. Is it really possible that we’re the only humans left on Earth? We’ve always been told that, but what if it isn’t true? What if there are more of us out there? I can’t decide whether that would be better, or worse.  
\- Ah, the calm of the night sure can make a person overthink their existence. 

***

Erwin Smith just had to get out of his stuffy office. All of the paperwork he was forced to take care of was a bit too much, combined with the plans for the cadets’ missions that needed his approval. He decided a walk and some fresh air would do him good. Erwin didn’t make it too far when he noticed someone just ahead of him. He could barely recognize her in the light of the pale moon. A part of him thought it was best not to disturb her, and walk away. And that part almost won, but at the last second he decided otherwise. 

***

\- Yes, that’s the charm of the night.  
I nearly jump for the second time tonight. I immediately recognize the Commander’s voice, and a tingling sensations runs through my whole body. I will that feeling away, and turn around.  
\- Good evening, Desi. Mind if I join you?  
If you ask me with that tone, how can I even say no?  
\- Of course, Sir. I don’t mind. I thought I was the only one crazy enough to take such late night walks.  
\- Crazy isn’t the word I would use. I actually enjoy them as well. They help clear my head.  
\- Yes, but being alone with myself like this is also a bit scary. My mind tends to go to very dark places…Ah, I’m sorry, I’ve said too much.  
\- No, it’s alright, I enjoy your honesty. Besides, you’re not alone anymore, are you?  
The warmth in his eyes is more than enough to melt all of my fears away. Dangerous thoughts start to flow around in my mind, and I move my gaze away.  
\- Yes, I guess you’re right, Commander.  
\- Erwin.  
\- What?  
\- You can call me Erwin when we’re alone.  
\- I don’t think that’s appropriate, Sir.  
\- Please, I insist.  
I blush a bit.  
\- Alright, I’ll try, E..rwin.  
\- Much better.  
He smiles warmly at me, and I can’t help but smile back. I feel like time has stopped. 

***

Erwin Smith couldn't quite understand why this girl excited him so. There was something about her, something that bound him to her, and he couldn't stay away. No, he wasn't thinking straight. She’s just one of the many people that pass through his life, and she might be gone before he even knows it. That’s what he would like to believe, because it makes it easier to go through life with such principles. Even with those thoughts in mind, when she smiled back at him, they all flew out the window. The beautiful starry night, her hair swaying in the light night breeze, her sparkling green eyes, it was just too much. Before he could even decide against it, he moved a bit closer to her.

***

My heart is about to burst out of my chest when the Commander approaches me. What is even going on? My mind goes blank, and only by reflex do I try to move back from my spot. But because my arms are shaking, mostly from the injuries earlier in the day, they quickly give out, and my back hits the cool grass. I can’t move my gaze away from the Commander, who now hovers over me. He moves his hands on both sides next to my head, and studies me intently. I struggle to regain my ability to speak.  
\- Commander, what…what are you doing?  
\- I thought I told you to call me Erwin. 

***

_“What am I even doing?”_ Erwin thought to himself.  
The young girl lying on the grass was blushing hard, and looked very uncomfortable in the whole situation. Well, of course she would be uncomfortable. This wasn’t what he was trying to do. Or was it? He wasn’t sure anymore. Even if he was trying hard to fight the desire to get closer to her, victory was nowhere to be seen.  
_“I swear, going against Titans is much easier.”_  
When she finally spoke up, something inside of him snapped and he could no longer hold back. 

***

\- Erw…  
But that’s all I can mutter, my eyes closing on reflex when the Commander claims my lips. My hands are bawled in fists, and pressed against his chest. My body starts shaking, but not because I’m cold. The feeling is way too overwhelming, and I am scared out of my mind. When the Commander notices that, he quickly moves his arms under my body and pulls me closer, not breaking the kiss. What I feel when pressed against him is incredible warmth, which gradually relaxes me and I immerse myself in the kiss. A bit shy at first, but I gather more courage and soon both I and the Commander are exploring each other’s lips, tongues and the inside of our mouths. I can hear light moans escape both his and my lips. My ability to think is pretty much non-existent at this point, but as much as I am enjoying this…no, what am I talking about; I love this more than it’s humanly possible. Even so, I have to stop him, as much as I don’t want to. I manage to somehow free my lips and gasp for air.  
\- Comman…Erwin, I don’t think we should be doing this.  
\- Your words aren’t very convincing, especially considering how you’ve been kissing me.  
\- T-that’s beside the point. And I can say the same to you!  
\- You’re too cute, Desi.  
\- Please, you need to let me go before something more happens. Something we might regret later.  
My brain finally registers the aching in my body, and since the Commander is holding me in a pretty tight embrace, I flinch visibly from the pain.  
\- Please, let go, it hurts.  
That seems to finally snap him back to his senses, and he quickly moves away from me. I get up, and rub my aching arms.  
\- Did I hurt you in any way?  
The Commander has a very worried look on his face. It’s adorable, but I can't allow myself to think like that right now.  
\- No, you didn’t do anything. I had an accident during training today. But don’t worry, it’s nothing serious. Just a few bruises here and there, but they still hurt a bit.  
\- I’m sorry, I didn’t know.  
\- It’s alright, but Commander…  
\- Erwin.  
\- Yes, Erwin. I don’t know why everything that just took place happened, but I believe we weren’t thinking clearly. So, it’s probably best if it doesn’t happen again. I don’t think you should compromise your position and rank for a mere cadet like me.  
\- Desi, that doesn’t even matter to me…  
\- Of course it does. And I’m sure you will come to the same conclusion as me when you think back. Please, excuse me, but I really need to get some sleep.  
I quickly head towards the cabin, not giving the Commander a chance to answer me in any way. I need to hurry; otherwise I might not have the same courage, if I stay with him more than this. 

Erwin could only stare after her, as she walked away. Her last words rang in his mind. His position and rank? Why would she even worry about such things? But the better question was why HE wasn’t worried about them? And why did he even go this far? He wasn’t sure of anything else, but the feel of her lips that still lingered on his own. 

***

\- Tch, what is that idiot thinking, doing such things?  
Levi shook his head, and closed the window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was never a part of my plan, but that's what staying up late and listening to the Season 3 Opening of "Attack on Titan" ( **Yoshiki & Hyde - Red Swan**) did to me :D


	6. Chapter 6

\- So, what kind of bullshit have you been up to?  
Levi was leaning against the wall near Erwin’s room.  
\- Ah, Levi. Pleasant night, isn’t it?  
\- Yeah, spare me the weather report. And don’t avoid my question.  
Erwin only smirked, and opened the door to his room.  
\- Would you like to come in?  
\- Not really, but I’m not done with you yet.  
Levi made his way inside, and Erwin followed after. In his head he already feared his defeat. It seemed like he couldn’t win at anything tonight. Levi pulled up a chair and made himself comfortable, while Erwin began to change his clothes.  
\- Don’t you have any shame, Erwin?  
\- Oh, excuse me, Levi. I didn’t realize my topless body would make you uncomfortable.  
\- Keep your stupid jokes to yourself, old man.  
\- Old man? I’m not that old.  
\- You are, when it comes to a 16 year old girl.  
\- Ah, her. I’m guessing you saw us.  
\- Well, it’s not like you were hiding in any way. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone else saw you as well. Were you really that horny? Or you’ve already gone insane from signing too many documents?  
\- That has nothing to do with the situation, Levi.  
\- Is that so? Because I bet either of those two reasons would have been a better excuse than the one you’re about to give me. So, what is it?  
\- I…don’t really know myself.  
\- See, told you.  
Levi shook his head.  
\- You do realize what will happen to the both of you once rumors of this spread, don’t you?  
\- Are you going to tell on us, Levi?  
Erwin’s playful smirk was seriously irritating.  
\- Do you actually believe I have time for this crap? Couldn’t care less what you do, and who you do it with, as long as it’s behind closed doors, and no one learns of it. We have way more important things on our hands, and if you are planning on slacking off and running around with a brat…  
\- There is nothing for you to worry about, Levi. I have no intention to take things further than this. And I will continue to play my role perfectly.  
\- Whatever you say.  
Levi stood up, and went for the door. Right before leaving, he turned around and gave Erwin another reason to stay up tonight.  
\- That girl really likes you; it’s not hard to tell. Don’t play around with her. She has potential, and I don’t want to lose a valuable soldier.  
\- Why are you so certain she’ll join the Survey Corps?  
\- I just know it.  
With that, Levi left Erwin alone with his thoughts. 

***

\- She likes me, huh?  
Erwin was lying down in his bed, an arm tucked underneath his head. He was looking at the ceiling so intently, that one would think all the answers to his questions were written up there. He closed his eyes, glided a finger along his lower lip, and imagined she was kissing him once more. Her taste was sweet, she was clumsy, but that made it even better. When he opened his eyes once more, he noticed he was way more excited than he thought he would be. Good thing she didn’t notice that earlier tonight. It’s been a very long time since anything other than the Titans piqued his interest in any way. Erwin Smith let out a deep sigh. He covered his face with his other arm.  
\- What the hell am I even doing? 

***

\- Earth to Desi!  
\- Huh? What?  
I am pulled out of my trance like state.  
\- I asked if I can have the rest of your breakfast. It doesn’t look like you’ll finish it anyway.  
Sasha is sitting next to me, and pointing at my almost full plate.  
\- Ah, yes, sure, enjoy.  
I am not really hungry anyway.  
\- Are you sure you’re alright?  
Sasha asks me, her mouth full of food.  
\- Yes, I’m fine. I will be fine. Yeah, everything is…fine.  
\- That’s a bit too many fines for me to believe you.  
Just as I am about to reassure her once more, Ymir sits in front of me.  
\- Well, well, if it isn’t the famous girl.  
I send her an annoyed look.  
\- Even if you keep staring at me like that, it won’t change anything.  
I take a deep breath.  
\- And what exactly is that supposed to mean, Ymir?  
\- Now, now, don’t play dumb. Rumors about you have been flying around for some time now. You’re curious to know, aren’t you?  
\- Not particularly.  
Ymir simply scoffs.  
\- I bet even Potato Girl here knows what I’m talking about, but she’s pretending otherwise, so she can remain on your good side.  
\- Hey!  
\- It’s alright, Sasha.  
I stop her, before she can start bickering with Ymir. I am not really in the mood for any of this today.  
\- Look, Ymir, I have no clue what you’re talking about, and honestly, I don’t care. I have more important things to do. Excuse me.  
I stand up, and move away from the table.  
\- Did you at least have fun being a whore for the higher-ups?  
Ymir’s loud remark causes everyone in the cabin to abandon their small talk, and turn their gazes our way. That does it, this is the last drop. I’m gonna kill her.  
\- Don’t you dare spread lies about me! You or anybody else! I haven’t slept with anyone!!  
\- Thank you for informing us.  
Captain Levi’s voice startles me. Oh, good, as if things weren’t horrible enough already.  
\- Now, if everyone is done with their breakfast and the daily gossiping, mind moving your butts to the training grounds?  
\- Yes, Sir…  
I answer vaguely, wishing I could run away from everything and everyone, and just be alone. 

***

\- Hey, Shortie, are you alright?  
Jean asks me for the 100th time since we started. Captain Levi divided us in pairs, and gave us our next assignment, which is basically combat training. I am trying to focus, and match Jean’s speed, but that proves to be impossible.  
\- No, not really.  
\- Don’t pay attention to Ymir. You know she enjoys bullying others.  
\- I know. I just…have some stuff I need to figure out. That’s all.  
\- Well, I’m always here, if you need a good listener. You can count on me!  
\- Thank you, Jean.  
I smile for the first time today, and it's genuine.  
\- Now, if you don’t want me to give you another injury, show me what you can do!  
\- You got it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must say, I really enjoyed working on this chapter, mainly because of Levi's character. Writing his lines was pure pleasure x3


	7. Chapter 7

A couple of weeks passed by quickly. The rumors about me stopped. People were either tired of them, or simply didn’t care anymore. Whenever I wasn’t trying to avoid the Commander, I was too consumed by my training to even have time to dwell on anything. That’s how it should have been ever since the beginning and I need to give my best, if I want to fight next to Captain Levi. Yes, nothing else should occupy my mind…  
  
**Training Corps, Year 850**  
  
\- Alright, you brats, it’s time for you to learn the results of your three year training. I will now announce the top 10 graduates. Those ten people and the rest of you will have 24 hours to inform me of the military branch you’ve chosen to apply to. Let’s start.  
I worked hard, and even if I didn’t make it into top 10, that won't really be an issue, since I’ve already decided. But I am still curious, so I listen carefully to Captain Levi’s next words.  
\- 1st is Mikasa Ackerman  
2nd place goes to Reiner Braun  
3rd place – Bertolt Hoover  
4th place – Annie Leonheart  
5th place – Eren Jeager  
6th place – Jean Kirstein  
7th place – Desi  
8th place – Connie Springer  
9th place – Sasha Blouse  
10th place – Krista Lenz.  
  
**Huh...did he just say I’m in 7th place?!**  
  
\- Good work, Shortie!  
Jean congratulates me, and I do the same. I can hear the excited voices of Connie and Sasha. Captain Levi speaks up once more.  
\- Good work, cadets. Now, Commander Erwin Smith would like to say a few words.  
\- Thank you, Levi.  
I literally hide myself behind Jean the second I hear the Commander’s name. That is probably the stupidest thing I could have done, but I don't really want to face him. Jean is taken by surprise, but once the Commander speaks, his attention goes back to him.  
\- I would like to congratulate everyone. You’ve shown wonderful results throughout your training, and I don’t feel any less than proud!  
The Commander’s gaze is moving from one cadet to another, until he notices me. I quickly avert my eyes. The Commander continues his speech.  
\- However, there is something important I need to discuss with all of you. I won’t lie; the Survey Corps are in need of talented young people like you. My request goes to everyone here: to those who want to fight for humanity’s freedom, to those who wish to give their hearts for the ultimate mission of putting an end to the Titan oppression.  
At this point I have already moved back to my spot, and am listening intently to the Commander’s words.  
\- It will be dangerous, it will be very dangerous, you can die at any given time, but I still ask of you – join me and the rest of the Survey Corps, and let’s change the odds for humanity!  
Commander Smith allows his words to sink in a bit, before he adds.  
\- Those of you, who don’t want to join the Survey Corps, are free to go.  
My gaze moves to the others around me. Many of them turn around and leave, and don't even look back. Some are still in conflict with themselves. Jean looks at me. What he sees in my eyes is probably sadness. I don’t really want him to go, but I also don’t want to keep him away from his true desire, so I smile and nod. I’m sure he can easily read my thoughts, which simply tell him _“It’s alright, you can go”_. And so he does. I turn my gaze back to the Commander, who is still waiting in his spot. This time I don't avert my eyes, but instead study his blue irises. I am curious to know what kind of thoughts and emotions are going through his mind right now. 

***

_“So, Levi was right. She wants to join the Survey Corps. She didn’t even move from her spot. She already made her decision before coming here today, huh? Such a peculiar girl.”_  
Erwin Smith couldn’t hold back the subconscious slight smile, which formed on his lips. 

***

It was a very faint smile, and it didn’t last long, but I’m sure I noticed it. Just like under a magic spell, I smile back. I quickly realize what I did, and curse my inability to withstand his charm. It’s like time between us stops once more. This feels like déjà-vu. But the moment doesn’t last long. I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder, and Jean’s voice reaches my ears.  
\- I can’t do it, Shortie. I can’t leave you alone in the Survey Corps. Who knows how fast you’ll die without me to keep you safe.  
I turn around to face Jean, my mouth wide open in surprise.  
\- Why do you look so shocked? Is my decision so unexpected?  
\- But, Jean...what about the Military Police Brigade?  
\- Eh, you were right; they’re a bunch of lazy jerks. I still don’t feel good about this whole “fighting titans” business, but I guess this is fine as well.  
A couple of happy tears escape my eyes, but they are quickly replaced by irritation from his previous words.  
\- Hey, who says I’ll die? I’ll tell you this; I don’t need anyone to save me!  
\- Sure you don’t, Shortie.  
\- More like you’ll need my protection.  
\- As if! Besides…  
He tells me the rest in a whisper.  
\- _'I can’t really leave you alone with Commander Smith. I don’t trust you to have good judgment around him.'_  
\- H-hey!  
I turn bright red, and pull on Jean’s ear hard. We are only teasing each other as usually, and end up bursting in laughter.

***

Erwin Smith’s eyes were still fixed on her. He was now a witness to her genuine joy when around her friend.  
_“That boy, Jean Kirstein, they seem to be very close. Well, they grew up together, more or less. Nothing wrong with being good friends. Still, I wish she could be this free around me."_  
Erwin willed himself to concentrate on the rest of the cadets, and what he came here for.  
_“It’s none of my business anyway. And these kinds of thoughts are very wrong."_  
But the unsettling feeling didn’t leave. What he didn’t know was that Levi was paying close attention to him, and shook his head in disapproval. 

***

__

\- To those of you, who decided to stay, there is only one thing I can tell you. I admire your courage! For me, it will be an honor to fight together with such brave young people!  
And the Commander salutes us. We all do the same. I can see that some are still not sure whether they made the right choice, but my decision is firm. Even more so, now that my dream is becoming a reality.  
_“Wait…my dream?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unlike other times, my inspiration is much more consistent, which shows in my frequent uploads. Which doesn't surprise me, since I really love the anime. I hope I will be able to keep up like this ^_^


	8. Chapter 8

\- Don’t you dare take another step, Erwin!  
Erwin Smith stopped dead in his tracks.  
\- Where do you think you’re going?  
Erwin turned around to face Levi.  
\- Do I really need to remind you of our conversation? And the things you told me back then?  
\- No, I remember them clearly.  
\- Your actions speak otherwise. You were about to go after that girl again, weren’t you?  
Erwin hesitated for a second.  
\- No…No, I wasn’t.  
\- Bullshit. Are you really going to lie to me?  
Erwin felt incredibly foolish.  
\- You’re right…I lied…I apologize, Levi.  
\- Tch. Are we seriously having this conversation? For God’s sake, why can’t you just stay away?? You are a grown man, damn it! Act like one!  
Erwin Smith was shocked. He had never seen Levi get so worked up over…anything, actually. He was usually pretty much expressionless. So was Erwin, but he had changed from his usual self, and even if he didn’t want to admit it, he knew the reason why. Erwin was aware his behavior was immature and incredibly foolish, but he couldn’t just stay still. Doesn’t matter how much he tried to stay away, sooner or later he got lost once more in those innocent green eyes.  
\- How long are you going to stand there, and keep your mouth shut?  
\- Ah, I’m sorry, my mind was somewhere else.  
\- Of course it was…that’s how you’ve been for a long time now. You are losing your good judgment, and that is going to cost you not only your life, but the lives of the people under your command. Are you ready to take that risk for a fling?  
\- She’s not…just a fling…  
\- Excuse me?  
Levi couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  
\- I mean…I don’t know, Levi…I understand what you’re telling me, and I realize how stupid I’m being right now. I am trying my best not to fall victim to these desires, but this is one battle I can’t win. I got tired of struggling against my feelings, and holding myself back. I don’t want to let anyone down, and for the longest time I believed I can remain distant and detached from any feelings that could cause me to be anything but rational in my decisions. If it’s a Titan, I can take it down, but her…I think I fell for her…  
Levi punched Erwin hard, and the latter lost his balance for a second. He tasted blood in his mouth.  
\- Are you out of your mind, Erwin?? Want me to knock some sense back into you? ‘Cause I’ll do it with pleasure!  
\- Punch me all you like, if that will make you feel better. I deserve that. But it won’t change anything.  
Levi’s hands were clenched in fists; he stood in front of Erwin angry, but mostly disappointed. He believed pain to be the best discipline, but he also knew Erwin well enough to tell it won’t work on him. He was as stubborn as a mule, but he was also someone who dedicated his whole life so far to one single goal, and never wavered, or looked back. For him to discover something new in his life, something that would steal his ability to think straight to this extent, that means he won’t let go of it. Or at least not like this. On the contrary, he will just want it more and more.  
Levi relaxed a bit, and decided it’s better to change his approach.  
\- Fine. Go to her.  
\- What?  
That was the last thing Erwin expected to hear.  
\- I said, go to her. If that’s what you wish, do it. Do whatever the hell you want. But remember one thing. You are Commander Erwin Smith, and you are the one who has to lead humanity to victory. Do whatever you wish in your free time, but when you are on the battlefield, you must never forget your mission. You need to be as cold and collected as always. You can never put your feelings first when you are out against the Titans. Even if it means to watch her die. Do you understand what I’m telling you?  
Erwin knew Levi was right, he knew it painfully well. Yet, that didn’t stop the horrible sensation, brought by the mere thought of her dying, or even worse – being eaten by a Titan. Even so, that was the decision she made for herself, just like he did a long time ago. They are both aware of the consequences, just like every other Survey Corps member. Funny, he felt a little better.  
\- Yes, I understand, Levi. Thank you.  
Erwin walked away; he was a bit more at ease for the first time in a while.  
\- Tch, just how long does this idiot think I can babysit him? He’s lucky I still tolerate him. It’s not like I don’t understand…  
Levi thought about everyone he lost in his life, and only felt more upset.  
\- Damn idiot…

***

\- Erwin! It’s an emergency!  
Hanji stormed into Erwin’s office. She struggled to catch her breath.  
\- What? What is it, Hanji?  
\- The…the Colossal Titan…he’s back!  
\- What??  
Erwin jumped up from his chair.  
\- Wall Rose…Wall Rose has been breached!  
Erwin was left speechless. The horror from 5 years ago was happening once more. No, not this time. He can’t allow another catastrophe to take place.  
\- Take your squad with you, and leave as soon as you're ready! Where is Levi??  
\- He has already gathered the new graduates, and the rest of the Survey Corps. They are going for the titans that made their way inside.  
\- Good! I will grab my gear, and follow after you.  
\- Got it!  
Hanji left the office, just as fast as she had made her way in. Erwin cursed loudly, and hit his fist hard against the desk.  
\- There’s no place for mistakes. I need to lead them to victory.

***

\- Listen to me carefully. I don’t want anyone to act rashly, and become titan food. Focus on your task, and take care of those filthy creatures. Is that clear?  
\- Yes, Sir!  
Captain Levi gathered us on the top of Wall Rose. There is no sign of the Colossal Titan. Just like the first time, he vanished in thin air right after destroying the gate. A lot of titans made it inside, and it is up to us to stop them. This is going to be our first real mission as a part of the Survey Corps. I can’t help the slight shaking of my body. I do my best to concentrate. I refuse to allow fear to take over my mind. Just when we’re about to leave, Commander Smith makes his way up. We welcome him with a salute.  
\- Levi, what is our situation?  
\- Wall Rose is breached, titans are swarming around in Trost District. The Garrison was able to evacuate as many citizens as possible, the casualties were minimal.  
\- What about the Colossal Titan?  
\- He was already gone when we got here.  
\- Understood.  
The Commander turns to us.  
\- I trust that you will do your best, and fight bravely. I believe in you. **Shinzou wo Sasageyo!**  
Everyone takes off. I turn to look at the Commander once more, and go after them.  
_“This is what I’ve been training for all this time! Failing is not an option!”_ – I tell myself and spread my wings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been dying to use "Shinzou wo Sasageyo" :D


	9. Chapter 9

\- Woah! Captain Levi is amazing!  
I hear a girl’s voice a little ahead of me. She is too focused on what the Captain is doing, and as a result doesn’t even notice the titan approaching behind her.  
_“You idiot!”_ – I think to myself, and move towards her quickly.  
She finally turns around, and screams upon seeing the titan about to grab her from the rooftop she’s on. I’ve moved close enough so I hook myself to its nape, use as much speed as I can manage while diving down, and slice a big chunk from the back of its neck. The cut is deep, and my whole body ends up being covered in titan blood.  
_“Damn, this is disgusting”_.  
I hold back from vomiting. The girl is on the verge of tears.  
\- Thank…you so much!  
I look at her. The titan blood has started to evaporate.  
\- Next time you might not be so lucky. If you don’t want to die, get a grip and focus on the mission!  
\- Y-yes!  
And now she’s actually crying. Good grief. She suddenly seizes her sobbing, and looks extremely terrified.  
\- What the…  
I follow her gaze, and barely manage to jump away before a titan can smash its fist against me. As a result, it makes a big hole in the roof. The sudden impact causes the girl to lose balance, and fall down.  
_“Was that…an abnormal??”_ – The thought runs through my mind.  
I quickly make use of the grapple hooks before my body hits the ground, and hurry back to her. But what I see in front of me paralyzes my body. Another titan has made its way here as well, while the previous one holds the girl tight in its hand. She’s kicking and struggling, screaming for help. I pray to make it on time. But I’m too late. I successfully cut down the titan, but the girl is already dead, her body severed in half. The other one manages to grab me, and brings me closer to its mouth. Its huge lips are stretched out in a smile. The irony.  
\- Not like this…God damn it, not now! Not like this!  
I close my eyes, and in the next few seconds it feels like time has slowed down. I hear the distinct sound of a blade cutting through skin, and the titan hand around me loosens its grip. I start to fall down, and a pair of arms catch me just in time.  
\- Shortie, are you alright??  
My body is overtaken by panic, and I fail to answer him. It is only when we make it to a safer place, and he lets go of me, that I can’t hold it in any longer and throw up, coughing hard, my eyes glazed with tears. I’m angry, I’m extremely angry at myself for being so weak. Jean pets my hair softly, and pulls me in a gentle embrace.  
\- It’s alright, everything is fine now. 

***

\- Why…why is everyone dying like this?  
The scene unfolding in front of Eren was nothing less than gruesome. No, this was nothing like what he expected. They were supposed to be victorious - kill all the titans and make it back safe and proud of themselves. That was simply wishful thinking on his part, nothing more than pure naivety. He clenched his hands in fists, and ended up doing the exact same thing Captain Levi warned them against – he acted rashly, overtaken by his emotions.  
\- I will… **KILL THEM ALL!**

***

Commander Erwin Smith was keeping watch of the mission on top of Wall Rose. He was barely able to keep still. He detested this role – staying behind and observing, instead of being part of the actual fight. When did he stop fighting, and began to only lead missions as a Commander? He used to be fine with this, but not anymore. Erwin remembered Levi’s words clearly, and he did plan on listening to him, but when he caught a glimpse of Desi being captured by a titan and almost facing her death, that was it for him.  
\- I can no longer just sit and watch. I need to fight with everyone else!  
And with that, he jumped down the wall and took off, maneuvering around the houses.  
\- Let’s see if I’ve lost my touch. 

***

Eren was lying on top of one of the houses. While he was in the air, an abnormal titan had jumped out of nowhere and bitten his leg off. He was trying to get up, and was summoning all of his will to do so. And then he saw him. Armin was shaking in fear, about to be devoured by a titan.  
\- No…No, Armin, run away… **ARMIN!**

***

Me and Jean take care of the titans around us, and leave in search of the rest of the Survey Corps. I am feeling a bit better, even if I'm still pretty shaken up. Nonetheless, I know I have to keep going and overcome myself, in order to become stronger. I kind of understand Captain Levi a bit more now. It’s no wonder he keeps such a straight face all the time, and seems like he’s completely heartless, even if that isn’t true at all. That’s how he is able to keep going, and face all the horrors of our world. No wonder he’s Humanity’s Strongest.  
Suddenly, both I and Jean exclaim in a loud voice.  
\- ARMIN!  
I use more gas than usual to move faster, in an attempt to get to him as quickly as possible. The titan opens his mouth and drops Armin inside.  
\- No, no, no, not again!  
\- Desi, watch out!  
Jean pushes me away, and I end up on top of the house on my left. I somehow manage to land on my feet, and I see Jean make a swift maneuver to escape the clutches of a titan that apparently followed us from behind. I quickly move my gaze back to Armin, and see him being thrown out of the titan’s mouth by Eren, who is now in his place. In a matter of seconds the titan closes its mouth and swallows him.  
\- Wh…at…


	10. Chapter 10

Did Eren just…get eaten by that titan…What the hell…What the hell are we even doing?? Becoming titan food one by one…Angry tears are sliding down my face.  
\- For the love of God, Armin! Why are you just sitting there?? Get a grip!! Move and kill the titan, who ate Eren!  
Armin keeps shaking in his spot. He’s totally lost it…Screw this! If he’s not going to do it, I will! But, just as I approach the titan I notice something weird moving around in his body. In the next second, while I do my best to move away as quickly as possible, the titan literally explodes and blood splashes everywhere around it. Jean moves to my side. I point my finger towards the steam coming out of the titan’s corpse.  
\- What…what is that?  
Jean also takes a look, and his expression is just as shocked as mine.  
\- It’s another titan…  
The blood-covered titan lets out a loud roar.  
\- Shortie, we’ve got to get out of here. This one looks dangerous.  
\- Wait…  
\- What do you mean wait?!?  
\- It’s not coming for us…  
That’s right. The Titan isn’t making a single step. Instead it just stares intently at something behind us. I turn around, and notice another much smaller titan. No…it’s not possible…is it? The strange Titan starts to run ahead and in a matter of seconds the smaller titan is no more.  
\- You’ve got to be kidding me… - Jean mumbles under his breath.  
Titans hunting other titans… Since when? 

***

Erwin Smith wiped the sweat from his forehead.  
\- I need to get back in shape.  
He moved away from the titan he just killed.  
\- Still, not too bad for an old man.  
A grin followed that remark.  
\- Levi will not be happy about this. 

***

\- What the hell happened??  
Captain Levi approaches us.  
\- Anyone care to explain?  
I somehow find my voice.  
\- The Titan…the strange Titan, he’s on a rampage and is killing every other titan in his sight.  
\- Strange Titan?  
\- He doesn’t attack humans, he attacks and kills titans. I don’t know why. I think he’s killed about 30 at this point. We have been following him for a while now.  
\- I presume he’s the one who was roaring earlier. I’ve never heard a titan roar before.  
\- Yes, it was him.  
\- Where is everyone else?  
\- Scattered around. Many are dead…We left Armin with Mikasa, and we saw Connie and Sasha not long ago. I have no idea what happened to the rest…  
\- I see…  
\- What should we do now, Captain?  
\- You keep following the Titan. If it’s really an enemy of the other titans, it will at least be helpful to us. My squad managed to clean up all the titans around the broken gate, but we don’t know when more of them will make their way inside. Once you’re done with this Strange Titan, as you called it, go back to Erwin. I will go gather the ones who survived, and will bring them back with me, so we can all discuss our next move. If the Titan appears to be dangerous to you in any way, do not try to fight him, and run away. Is that clear?  
\- Yes, Sir.  
\- Good.  
And with that Captain Levi leaves me and Jean with our new mission. 

***

\- I wonder how long we’ll have to follow this damn Titan. - Jean protests.  
\- He’s doing our job for us, isn’t he? So, don’t complain.  
\- Yeah, you’re right. But I still don’t understand any of this.  
\- Same here. But I think its appearance is the biggest mystery. How can a titan be inside of another titan’s body, when they only eat humans? And a titan of this size, nonetheless.  
\- Beats me. There are still many things we don’t know about titans.  
\- Oh, the Strange Titan stopped!  
As the words leave my lips, the titan collapses on the ground and smoke starts to envelop it.  
\- Damn, I can’t see a thing. Wait, what is that?  
\- It looks like…a human. Stay right here, I’ll go see.  
I close my eyes for a bit. I’m completely exhausted.  
_“I wish this day would finally end.”_  
\- Desi!  
As if on cue, my heart starts beating like crazy. I turn around just as he lands in front of me.  
\- Commander…  
\- Desi…  
There it is - the comfortable silence between us. Blue irises meet green ones, and the Commander does something unexpected. He wraps his arms around me and holds me tight.  
\- I’m glad you’re alright.  
I think of protesting, but decide against it, and answer his hug instead. How I’ve missed this warmth.  
Jean clears his throat.  
\- If you two are done, can we talk about who I discovered?  
I immediately pull myself away from the Commander, only to be met with something shocking.  
\- Is that… Eren?!?

***

\- Eren!  
Once we take Eren back with us, Mikasa immediately comes to see him. We still have no clue what exactly happened. The only thing we do know is that he apparently came out of the Strange Titan, however absurd that sounds. And we won’t get any more information until he wakes up. So, for now, we will have to wait. I do have my suspicions, but I admit them only to myself.  
Once we arrive Captain Levi shoots the Commander a look that could definitely kill. I leave them alone to discuss the situation, mostly because I don't want to hear them argue, and go around to see who survived. I just have to know, I guess. The feeling is hard to explain. It’s both reassuring and horribly overwhelming. The only reason I survived is because Jean made it on time. It was so foolish of me to think I was in any way ready for all of this. Oh, how arrogant I was…


	11. Chapter 11

I knock on the door with mixed feelings. I take a deep breath, and walk in once I’m invited.  
_“I can do this.”_  
\- Oh, Desi.  
Seems like I was the last person the Commander expected to see. My expression is probably telling him enough, because he gets up and walks towards me.  
\- Are you alright? You look terrible.  
\- That’s probably because I feel just as terrible.  
I avoid looking him in the eyes. After all this time I still don’t have the courage to face him properly, because every time I do it feels like everything I hold deep inside will be exposed. He extends his arm, gets a hold of my face gently and lifts it up, thus making it impossible for me to keep hiding in my hard shell. I am forced to meet his kind blue eyes. Curse this man.  
\- Tell me what’s bothering you, Desi. You wouldn’t come all the way here for nothing.  
\- It’s…it’s not important.  
\- Who are you trying to fool? Me or yourself?  
_“Myself, apparently, cause I sure as hell can’t fool you. “_  
\- Fine, alright, but I can’t really relax and talk if you stare at me so intently.  
\- Excuse me, my dear, you’re right.  
The Commander moves his hand away, and I immediately feel cold.  
\- I think it’s time for me to learn the truth about my parents.  
I’m speaking slowly, as if to give myself enough time to finally be ready.  
\- I see. I don’t know much, most of it is my own theories. But I will tell you what I do know. Let’s sit down.  
I follow after the Commander, and sit next to him on the sofa. I listen intently to every word that comes out of his mouth.  
\- I don’t know how exactly you got separated from your parents, because they were nowhere to be seen when I found you. I am guessing they were forced to get on one of the ships, and leave without you. There is no record of them ever leaving for Wall Rose though, which means the records have been altered with. It’s like they disappeared from the face of the Earth, until my friend finally discovered them, but it was too late. Both of them were murdered…by humans. There were obvious signs of a struggle, and…  
At this point the Commander makes a pause.  
\- Please, continue... - I beg him.  
\- Yes, alright…Your mother, it seems like she was…raped. It’s possible she got killed right after…  
A silent sob escapes my throat, and a loud buzz fills my head.  
\- I can stop, if you want me to. You’ve been through enough today.  
\- No…No…keep going…I can’t keep running away from the truth.  
I wipe the few tears that rolled down my cheeks. The Commander takes a deep breath.  
\- From what I saw, they were both prisoners, but to whom I don’t know. Afterwards, I did a little bit of research. Desi, do you have any idea what your father’s job was?  
\- I…don’t remember.  
An image suddenly emerges in my mind. The look in my eyes must have given that away.  
\- Did you remember something?  
\- Yes…I think so…I remember my father wasn’t home much. He spent very little time with us, and I…I begged him not to leave us again, but he apologized and said his mission was very important…Ugh.  
A sharp pain causes me to shut my eyes tightly.  
\- Desi, are you alright??  
\- I’ll be fine…For some reason, whenever I try to remember anything from my past, I get a horrible headache. It’s like my mind is trying hard to block something I’m not supposed to remember.  
\- Maybe it’s protecting you. Perhaps it was necessary for you to lose your memory, in order to start a new life away from something that happened in your past.  
I consider his words.  
\- Is that all you know, Commander?  
\- Yes, but I also have a theory. I don’t think anyone would go through all the trouble of kidnapping and locking up your parents, especially in a time of crisis, unless they were trying to hide an important secret. Maybe there’s something your parents knew, which had to be kept hidden at any cost.  
\- But…if that’s true, why were they the only ones kidnapped? If someone already knew everything about them, they also knew about my existence.  
\- Maybe they didn’t, or maybe they did. But your real name was never in any of the records.  
\- That’s right…I had no memory, and was taken in by Jean’s family, so officially I’m considered their child.  
\- Yes, as far as the kidnappers care you probably died during the titan invasion in Shiganshina District.  
\- In that case, what is my real name?  
\- That I don’t know. I’m sorry.  
\- No…it’s okay. It’s probably better this way. Maybe you were right when you said I was given a chance for a new life. At this point, dwelling on the past won’t do me any good, and since I can’t really remember more than what I told you, I won’t even try to do so anymore. There are still many things I want to achieve in my life. I will just live with the new Me. Besides, I probably like her way more this way.  
\- I also like her…very much…  
With that, the Commander shifts closer to me, and I feel the familiar yearning deep in my heart. He is inches away from my face, when my name leaves his lips in a soft whisper.  
\- Desi…  
\- Erwin…  
His expression changes to one of desire.  
\- Oh, how I’ve missed hearing my name come out of your soft lips.  
I allow myself a slight smirk, and whisper in his ear.  
\- E…r…w…i…n…  
That is probably the last drop, because he grabs my face in his hands and finally erases the distance between us, enveloping my lips in a deep kiss. This time I’m not afraid, my mind is completely filled with him. So is my body, right down to its very core. I wrap my arms around his neck, and answer the kiss. Our bodies are pressed together, and I can easily feel the warmth of his body spread over my own. I instinctively bury my fingers in his beautiful blonde hair. Funny, I’ve always felt like I want to ruffle it a bit, because it looks way too perfect. Yes, I definitely lost the battle with my feelings, but I don’t care anymore. Here in his arms is the place where I want to be.


	12. Chapter 12

\- Desi...  
The Commander breaks the kiss, and looks deep into my eyes; his own filled with pure lust.  
\- From this point on I won’t be able to control myself. I will own your body completely, up to the very last little spot.  
\- Are you asking me if I want to stop before we go any further?  
Commander Smith’s lips form a mischievous grin, which is beyond sexy.  
\- More like a warning. There is no way I’m letting you go.  
His deep voice sends shivers down my spine. My desire for him grows even more. I hadn’t realized I want him to this extent. This person, who I thought was beyond my reach, and who I idolized for so long. It is almost unbelievable, like a beautiful dream I might wake up from at any given time. But he isn’t a vision in a dream, he is a person of flesh and blood, and he is holding me in his strong arms.  
_“Damn, I’m so screwed”_ , I think to myself and instead of answering, I push him down on the sofa. His surprise is obvious, and it shows all over his face.  
\- I’m simply returning the favor from last time, Commander.  
A sound of dissatisfaction leaves his lips. It sounds a lot like an annoyed “Tsk”.  
\- I told you to call me Erwin. You’re doing this on purpose, aren’t you?  
\- Whatever makes you feel better, Commander Erwin Smith.  
And I lean down to reunite our lips. I alternate between sucking on his tongue, gently biting his lips, and running my tongue along them. At one point the Commander gets impatient, grips a fistful of my hair and pulls on it with just the right amount of force as not to hurt me, thus putting a stop to my actions.  
\- I’m sorry, my dear, but I can’t really wait anymore.  
He pulls on my hair once more, bending my head back, and kisses along my now exposed neck. His other hand is busy with my clothes, quickly removing my shirt and stroking the bare skin. He makes a trail of kisses from my neck down to my breasts. I let out a surprised moan when he captures one of the nipples with his lips and sucks on it until it hardens. He traces the other one with a finger, slowly rubbing against it in circles and pinching it gently until he achieves the same result. I feel like my whole body might go numb with pleasure. As my own patience starts to reach its limits, I reach for his shirt, in an attempt to remove it, but my hands are trembling. He only smiles, and assists me. Once his shirt is completely off, I throw it down on the floor where my own lies and my eyes explore his beautiful muscular body. I can see all of the scars he has received throughout the years, but that makes him even more beautiful in my eyes. I trace one just below his chest with a finger, and he flinches.  
\- Ah, I’m sorry.  
\- No, it’s alright, Desi, they are just a bit sensitive to the touch.  
\- You are so beautiful.  
I whisper my honest thoughts in a loving voice, and it’s like a switch turns on in Erwin’s mind. His expression changes and he studies my face in a curious way.  
\- Is everything alright?  
I get a bit worried.  
\- Yes…yes, everything is fine. I just remembered something. It’s not important right now.  
\- Alright.  
My attention goes back to his body. I explore his chest and stomach with my lips, enjoying every second. As I make my way down, I gulp hard when I notice how turned on he is. When I move my hand to his pants, he suddenly grabs it and stops me.  
\- If you go any further, I won’t be able to last longer later. And I’m sure you don’t want that either.  
I wasn’t feeling embarrassed by anything we did so far, but his simple remark causes my whole face to turn bright red. As a result, the Commander teases me.  
\- Why are you blushing, my dear? What kind of thoughts are going through that beautiful head of yours?  
\- The same ones that are going through your own mind, I’m sure. - I tease back.  
The Commander smirks.  
\- You’re absolutely right.  
And he pushes me down on the sofa once more.  
\- You’re wearing way too many clothes.  
He impatiently reaches for my pants, and slides them down my legs. Then he positions himself between my legs, and I am suddenly a witness to what I can only describe as the sexiest thing I have ever seen in my life. The Commander slides my panties down using only his teeth. I must have a very amusing expression on my face, because he chuckles lightly. He studies my now completely naked body. I feel very exposed.  
\- The marks from the belts are already showing on your skin.  
\- Does it look bad?  
\- Not at all. You have nothing to worry about, you look amazing.  
I am taken by surprise when the Commander runs his tongue along my most sensitive spot, and then slides it inside of me. An involuntary moan leaves my lips. His tongue is followed by a finger. I’ve closed my eyes, I’m breathing hard and the only sounds in the room are my moans. I am pretty wet at this point. The Commander pulls his finger out, and to my utter embarrassment licks it.  
\- W-what are you doing??  
\- Tasting you, of course. You taste sweet.  
_“Erwin, you big pervert!”_  
\- And now, my dear…  
The Commander gets rid of his pants and underwear in quick movements, and positions himself on top of me. He whispers in my ear.  
\- _'It will hurt a bit at first. I will try to be gentle, but I can’t promise anything. Just relax, alright?' ___  
I quickly nod, and close my eyes when he starts to slowly push inside of me. I bite my lips when I feel a sudden sharp pain.  
\- Don’t bite those beautiful lips.  
The Commander wills my mouth open with his tongue, sliding it inside and kissing me passionately. He stops his movements once he’s completely inside of me. I can feel the throbbing of his member.  
\- Damn, Desi, you’re so tight and hot.  
\- Erwin…please…  
\- Hmm? What is it that you want, my dear?  
\- I want you to move…  
I can’t believe my own boldness.  
\- If that’s what you want.  
The Commander starts a series of slower movements, since he probably doesn’t want to hurt me, but it doesn’t feel enough. On the contrary, the slight pleasure leaves me unsatisfied. I can’t help but want more. I wrap my legs around his body, and beg with a trembling voice, my timidity long forgotten somewhere in my mind.  
\- Faster, Erwin…Please, do it faster…  
\- Such a naughty girl.  
His words are followed by a hard thrust. I let out a low scream. And in no time I am so lost in pleasure, I don’t even realize how much I’m moaning. His movements are quick, but precise, and he manages to hit a spot inside of me, which makes me melt. He suddenly pulls out of me, and I watch him in confusion.  
\- Get on all fours, Desi.  
He is using his Commander voice, and if it’s possible, that turns me on even more.  
\- Y-yes.  
Once I do so, he resumes his movements, but this time it’s different. It’s much more intense.  
\- W-wait, Erwin, it’s too much.  
My legs are trembling. If the Commander wasn’t holding my body in its position, I might not have been able to handle it myself.  
\- I know, my dear, it feels just as good for me.  
He moves my hair away, and kisses the back of my neck. The sudden sensation of his teeth on my skin makes my body shudder. He licks the spot he just bit, and whispers in my ear with a voice, husky from pleasure.  
\- I’m at my limit, Desi.  
His movements get even more demanding, and I feel like I won’t be able to take anymore.  
\- Erwin…Erwin…Erwin…  
I repeat his name in between moans. His breathing and low moans intertwine with mine.  
\- My beautiful girl…  
The Commander thrusts inside of me one last time, pulls out and I can feel the warm drops that land on my back. I can no longer hold my body up, and my legs slide down on the sofa. I feel completely exhausted, but I am unbelievably happy. I turn around to look at the Commander. He leans down and gives me a gentle kiss.  
\- I apologize if I was too rough.  
\- No, no, everything was wonderful.  
He kisses my forehead, and embraces my body.  
\- I wish I could sleep with you tonight, but I’m afraid I will need to return you to the rest of the girls.  
\- No…please don’t. I want to stay with you tonight…if that’s not a problem, of course.  
I quickly realize I might be asking for too much, and getting ahead of myself. I’m afraid of his answer. His warm smile sends my anxiousness away.  
\- Have I told you how cute you are?  
\- Yes, yes, you have.  
\- I need to repeat it more often.  
We share another kiss before collecting all of our scattered clothes, and getting dressed. The Commander takes my hand in his and leads me out of the office. We do our best to be as quiet as possible while walking down the corridor, although after what we did, it might already be too late for being cautious. Once we finally make it to his bedroom, he picks me up in his arms and carries me to the bed.  
\- Commander, I can walk on my own.  
\- Again with Commander. Desi, do I need to repeat my actions from earlier, and make you call out my name over and over again?  
\- N-no! That’s not necessary!  
\- Good girl. You can use one of my shirts. You probably don’t want to sleep in these tight clothes.  
\- Ah, yes, thank you, that would be nice.  
I turn around, and undress myself.  
\- You don’t need to be shy now, after all we did.  
\- D-don’t tease me!  
The Commander only chuckles at my reaction. Once I put his shirt on, I realize how big it is. But, ah, it feels so nice and smells like him. The Commander doesn’t move his gaze away from me during the whole thing. I join him in bed, and slide under the covers. He pulls me close to him, and we fall asleep like this, snuggled in each other’s arms. 

***

_“I must have gone crazy, completely crazy.”_ was the last thought on Erwin’s mind before he drifted to sleep with a smile on his face. 


	13. Chapter 13

Erwin Smith had just woken up, and was observing her sleeping face. He couldn’t sleep much, because his mind was full of all kinds of thoughts, and her constant shifting in bed didn’t really help. He thought she might have been having a nightmare. He ran a hand through her dark hair. He still couldn’t believe this was the same little girl from back then. He had his doubts before, but now he was certain.  
_“She changed so much”_ , he thought and then laughed at how silly that sounds. _“But, of course she did, she’s a young woman now. The only thing that still remains the same is her green eyes, which seem to never lose the special spark in them. How did I not see it before? I guess she reminds me of Levi in a way - a stubborn little thing with the heart of a warrior.”_  
Desi shuffled a bit in her sleep, and began to slowly open her eyes. 

***

\- Mmm.  
My consciousness is slowly creeping back to me, as I return to reality, and abandon the pleasant dream I was having. It takes me a bit to realize where I am. As my eyes land on the Commander’s beautiful face so close to me, I nearly jump away in surprise.  
\- Haha, is my face so scary early in the morning?  
At least he finds my reaction amusing.  
\- **NO** , no, of course not! I was just a bit startled.  
\- Come here, my dear.  
And he pulls me closer for a kiss. I submerge in the kiss, but suddenly remember something, and pull myself away.  
\- Damn, I’m going to be late!  
And I jump out of bed, nearly stumbling down, since my body has still not woken up completely.  
\- Captain Levi will kill me!  
I quickly start dressing myself. My back is turned to him, but I can feel the Commander’s gaze on me. He is probably watching me in amusement. In my half panicked state, I don’t hear his footsteps, and a surprised sound escapes my lips when he wraps his arms around me from behind. He buries his face in my hair, and kisses my neck.  
\- C-Commander, stop it!  
\- The mark I left on you came out nicely.  
And he kisses that same spot once more. Mark? What mark?? When did he…Ohh, that’s right.  
\- Seriously, Commander, I need to go.  
\- I won’t let you go, until you address me properly.  
\- But that’s exactly what I’m doing!  
\- You know very well what I mean, Desi.  
\- Fine…Erwin, please, I need to hurry or I will be late.  
\- Wasn’t so hard now, was it?  
But he doesn’t let me go. Instead he turns my body around and kisses me in a way that makes me forget how to breathe.  
\- Now you can go.  
_“Damn this man!”_ I shoot him an annoyed glance, but it’s hard to hide my actual feelings. I run off and practically crash into the person right outside the door. My heart nearly stops.  
\- Captain…Levi…  
\- Well, well, well, what do we have here?  
\- I…I…  
There’s practically nothing I can say in my defense. The intimidating look on Captain Levi’s face is scarier than any titan. Since I show no signs of giving him a response, he is the one who talks instead.  
\- If I were you, I’d hurry up, unless you want to hear more rumors about yourself.  
\- Y-yes, yes, Sir!

***

\- So? What will YOU say for yourself? I expect to actually hear an answer this time.  
\- Good morning, Levi.  
\- That’s not an answer.  
\- No, it’s a greeting.  
\- Wipe that smirk off of your face, Old man.  
\- I’m sorry, that’s impossible at this point.  
\- Tch, you’ve lost it completely. Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you.  
\- Was there a reason behind your early visit, Levi?  
\- Hanji was looking for you.  
\- Hanji? Why?  
\- Beats me what that four-eyed freak wants. I told you, so my part in this is over. She’s your problem now.  
Captain Levi walked away with quick steps. The Commander began to prepare himself for the day. He washed up, combed his hair to perfection and took down the uniform that was waiting for him. What happened last night was going through his mind.  
\- Levi is right, I need to focus.  
And when he fixed his uniform, and looked at himself in the mirror, he had his usual impenetrable expression back. 

***

Once I join the rest of the Survey Corps for breakfast, Jean only looks at me and points at the spot next to him. I sit down nervously. I don’t know if I should say something, or just eat my breakfast quietly. I decide on a safe topic.  
\- Jean, I still haven’t had the chance to thank you for yesterday. I don’t even know how to thank you properly, to be honest.  
\- It was no big deal; I did what I had to do.  
Yes, I deserve the coldness in his voice.  
\- Well, it is a big deal for me.  
\- Desi, you don’t need to try so hard. I’m fine, really.  
\- You know, don’t you?  
\- Not really, but your absence during the night gives the girls a lot to talk about.  
_“Damn it.”_  
\- How long do you think you can keep this up?  
\- What do you mean?  
\- I mean it will sooner or later become an issue for the both of you. And someone in his position is bound to suffer a great deal of pressure and accusations because of such actions. I don’t know what you’re planning to do, but honestly, I don’t think it’s appropriate, especially with our mission and responsibilities.  
\- Yes…you’re probably right…  
It’s not like I didn’t know all of this already, I just…wanted to forget it for a bit. But Jean’s right, I know that. Whatever it is that’s going on between us, it most probably isn’t bound to last long. My heart clenches in pain from the thought itself.


	14. Chapter 14

Erwin was on his way to see Hanji when she suddenly appeared in front of him.  
\- There you are, Erwin!!  
\- Hello, Hanji. Levi told me you were looking for me.  
\- I went by your office, but didn’t find you there.  
\- Ah, yes, that’s because I slept in my bedroom last night.  
\- Oh? That’s unusual. You usually end up sleeping in your office.  
\- Yes, you’re right.  
Erwin quickly changed the subject.  
\- Anyway, did something happen?  
\- Yes, Eren finally woke up. 

***

\- Jean, are you nervous?  
We were called by Squad Leader Hanji to be present when Eren wakes up, since we were the ones who discovered him.  
\- What do you think, Shortie? We will finally find out what happened. I can’t help but be nervous.  
\- You’re right. I do hope he can give us any useful information.  
\- Why do you think otherwise?  
\- You found him yourself, Jean. You know the condition he was in. He came out of a titan, he was unconscious. I doubt he knows much.  
\- I hope you’re wrong, Shortie, ‘cause he is our only clue at this point.  
We make it down to the basement, where Eren is kept in a cell. It’s necessary, until we understand his situation. Otherwise the higher-ups would have taken him away, and who knows what might have happened to him. When we arrive, I notice Mikasa by his side, just as I suspected. The Captain and Commander are waiting for us in front of the cell. Commander Smith glances my way, but I avoid his gaze.  
_“Forgive me for this.”_  
\- You two are finally here. Let’s wrap this up.  
Captain Levi proceeds to unlock the cell, and we all make it inside. Feels a bit crowded with this many people.  
\- How are you feeling, Eren?  
I can’t help, but ask him. He looks terribly confused. Who wouldn’t be in his situation?  
\- I don’t really know. And I don’t understand what I’m doing here, and why I’m chained like this.  
\- Eren…  
Mikasa looks even worse. I turn to the Captain.  
\- Captain Levi, I think we should send Mikasa away. She is in no condition to…  
\- I am not going anywhere!  
\- Yes, you are. She’s right, you should leave. We can handle the rest. Eren is going to be fine.  
Mikasa looks beyond angry. She shoots me a murderous glance, and stomps out. Once she’s gone, I let out the breath I’ve been holding in.  
\- Scary…  
\- Tell me about it…  
\- You two, focus.  
\- Yes, Sir.  
I take a quick glance Erwin’s way. He is too quiet.  
\- Will anyone finally tell me what is going on…?  
We all turn our attention back to Eren.  
\- Of course, Eren.  
I nudge Jean’s shoulder.  
\- Me??  
\- Who else? You discovered him.  
It’s three against one, and Jean has no choice.  
\- Well, Eren, you see, at first you were eaten by a titan. But then that titan died, and another titan came out of him. And that titan started fighting against other titans, but for some reason after killing a lot of them it fell on the ground, and died. And when it did, well, we found you inside that titan’s body, and that’s about it.  
The look in Eren’s eyes is beyond confused. He probably thinks we’ve all gone nuts.  
\- Are you crazy, Horse-face??  
\- Stop calling me that! And no, I’m not crazy. You are the one who came out of a friggin’ titan!  
\- You’ve gotta be kidding me…Do you really expect me to believe this crap??  
\- Oi, Eren!  
\- Captain, please, allow me.  
I move closer to Eren, and sit down next to him.  
\- Look, Eren, I know all of this sounds like a bad nightmare and you are probably confused out of your mind. I apologize, but you need to tolerate it for a bit. Please, tell us what you remember, whatever it is. We need to figure out the situation, in order to help you.  
I smile at him, and he seems to calm down a bit.  
\- The only thing I remember is the titan, who tried to eat Armin. I remember throwing Armin out of the titan’s mouth and getting eaten instead. I know I lost my arm and leg…  
Eren studies his body. He’s not missing any limbs, like he should be.  
\- This is how Jean found you. After you came out of the Strange Titan, you were alive and it’s like you never got eaten in the first place.  
\- I don’t understand…  
\- Eren… - I take a deep breath - I know my question may sound crazy, but is it possible you can turn into a titan?  
Everyone in the room is shocked by my words. The Commander finally speaks up.  
\- Desi, that’s impossible.  
\- Not really. When you think about it, it makes perfect sense. The Strange Titan showed up right after Eren was eaten. It attacked all titans, and never touched a single human. When it died, Eren came out of it. Jean told me he literally had to cut Eren away from the titan’s neck, it’s like he was stuck there. Not to mention he’s not missing any of his limbs. It’s like they grew back, and we know titans are capable of regenerating. I know it all sounds very hard to believe, but what if it’s possible?  
\- Oi, oi, those are some crazy theories you are throwing around.  
\- I know, Captain, but what other explanation could there be?  
Captain Levi thinks for a second.  
\- Tch, I wish I had a better one, but I don’t. And what you’re saying does make a lot of sense, even if it’s extremely hard to believe.  
Eren lets out what I can only describe as maniacal laughter.  
\- This is just a joke, right? That’s…it’s impossible, it has to be a joke…TELL ME IT’S A JOKE!  
\- Eren…  
\- Well, now I’m glad we sent Mikasa away… - Jean mumbles under his breath.  
\- Desi, move.  
The Captain’s words don’t allow for any disobedience. I quickly move away. At the next moment he punches Eren hard, and I flinch and close my eyes.  
\- Now, listen to me, you little brat. You will stop losing your shit, and try to listen for once. Those are simple theories. Even if they turn out to be true, you’re going to stop acting like a child. You should be thankful we didn’t hand you over to the Military Police. Do you know what they wanted to do to you?? They wanted to chop you in pieces, and inspect your body like you are some lab rat. How about you show some gratitude?  
\- That’s more than enough, Levi.  
The Commander speaks up, and turns to Eren.  
\- I understand it must be hard for you, but we don’t have many options. We are counting on you to help us figure out this situation. Can you try and do that, Eren?  
\- Yes, Commander…I’ll try. 

***

\- That was a complete waste of time.  
I am walking back together with Jean.  
\- Well, it’s not like Eren can do anything more, if he doesn’t remember a thing.  
\- Or he’s lying to protect himself.  
\- I doubt it.  
\- You are too naïve, Desi.  
\- Maybe, but I don’t see a reason for Eren to lie. Ugh, this is one huge mess.  
\- Tell me about it.  
\- Desi!  
I hear a painfully familiar voice call out to me.  
\- I’ll see you later, Desi.  
\- Wait, Jean…  
But he already went ahead.  
_“Damn traitor.”_  
The Commander reaches me, but I don’t dare move from my spot, or turn around in general.  
\- Desi, are you avoiding me?  
There it is.  
\- No…not really. - I lie.  
\- What is going on, Desi?  
I prepare myself for what is probably going to be the hardest conversation in my life.


	15. Chapter 15

I don’t answer the Commander’s question, thus he proceeds to move closer to me.  
\- Don’t come any closer!  
He stops in his tracks.  
\- Did I do something to deserve this cold treatment?  
\- No, you didn’t do anything.  
\- Can you at least turn around, and look at me while we’re talking?  
\- I can’t…because if I do, I won’t be able to say the things that need to be said.  
\- And what are those things?  
\- Erwin…No…You can no longer be Erwin…Commander, nothing can happen between us anymore.  
Erwin takes a deep breath.  
\- Why, Desi? Is there a good reason for what you’re telling me?  
\- The same reason I’ve told you ever since the very beginning. You are the Commander, and we can’t keep doing such things, besides…  
Erwin is getting very irritated at this point.  
\- **God damn it, will you at least have the decency to look me in the eyes?!?**  
My whole body shivers when I hear the Commander’s shout. It feels so cold.  
\- I’m sorry…you’re right…  
I turn around reluctantly.  
\- Look at me, Desi.  
I shake my head, trying hard to hold back from bursting in tears.  
\- I said, LOOK AT ME.  
I let out a quiet sob. I feel like a little child being scolded. I do as I’m told, and finally face the Commander. It’s close to impossible to hold back from running to him, and apologizing for everything, but I continue to struggle with myself. The Commander’s face softens a bit, but he’s still very angry.  
\- Now, tell me the truth. Why exactly are you doing this?  
\- I already told you…  
\- Those are lies, and we both know it.  
I can’t answer him. The Commander tries his best to keep calm.  
\- Alright, let’s try this. What exactly are you afraid of?  
\- I won’t be able to live with myself, if I become a reason for you to lose your position in the military, and all the important work you’ve been doing as a Commander. And…if we continue this, it’s bound to happen sooner, or later. You are an important figure for humanity, and you are the one that can lead us to victory. I strongly believe that. There is no way I would ever sabotage this chance. So…I am willing to sacrifice how I feel for the good of humanity. As a member of the Survey Corps, that’s the least I can do.  
\- Are you even listening to yourself right now, Desi?  
\- What…  
\- That’s complete nonsense. As long as I do my job, no one cares who I sleep with.  
\- Who you sleep with...I see.  
\- No…that’s not what I meant.  
\- No…It’s alright…I understand. I knew I wasn’t special to you anyway…  
\- You’re wrong, Desi!  
\- Don’t…just don’t say anymore, Commander…Just…just…  
I can’t hold back anymore, and the tears stream down my face. 

***

Upon seeing her cry because of him, Erwin Smith felt like his heart would break in two. He tried to approach her, but she squirmed away.  
\- Don’t…don’t touch me…just leave me alone…please…  
She turned around, and ran away from him. Erwin couldn’t move from his spot. That’s not what he wanted to say…Why would he say those words? He didn’t mean them one bit. Instead he should have just told her the truth, and then maybe…just maybe…  
\- I’m such an idiot! 

***

\- I was such an idiot!  
My legs are trembling. I can’t possibly run anymore, so I finally stop. I sit down on the ground, hug my legs, and bury my face in them. The tears seem endless. So many emotions are going through my mind right now, I feel like I might go crazy.  
\- I hate him…I hate him so much…  
Terrible lies.  
\- Why… why can’t I hate him…?  
\- Desi?  
I am startled by someone’s voice. When I look up, I see a person I didn’t expect.  
\- Reiner…  
\- Is everything alright? Obviously not. Stupid question. Why are you crying?  
\- Ah…well, it’s…it’s complicated. I mean…  
\- If you can’t tell me, it’s alright.  
Reiner sits down next to me.  
\- Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?  
Reiner’s smile takes me by surprise. Like an idiot, I start sobbing again. Reiner, of course, panics.  
\- H-hey, please, don’t cry! If I did something…  
\- No, no.  
I try to wipe the tears away.  
\- I don’t even know why I’m crying anymore. My head is a mess. Thank you for being here, really. I appreciate it.  
\- Ah, it’s no big deal. I can’t possibly ignore a crying girl.  
I’ve always known that even though he may look intimidating, Reiner is a big softie, but this is just too cute.  
\- You’re finally smiling.  
\- Oh?  
I hadn’t realized it.  
\- I guess I am.  
I think of a change of subject that would be good enough. And then it hits me.  
\- Say, Reiner…  
\- Hm?  
\- Something has been on my mind ever since we went against the titans yesterday.  
\- And what is that?  
\- You will probably think I’m crazy, but do you think it’s possible for humans to turn into titans?  
My question seems to take him by surprise, because he makes a very strange expression. It doesn’t look like he finds me crazy, more like he’s thinking whether he should answer me, or not. Well, that’s weird.  
\- Humans turning into titans? Why would you think that?  
\- I don’t know. It just makes sense in a way. There is so much we don’t know about titans. What if this is the next big secret?  
\- I highly doubt it.  
\- Hmm? Why?  
\- Because, well…  
_“What are you hiding from me, Reiner? You obviously know something”_ , I think to myself.  
\- If that were true, why would they eat other humans? It sounds absurd.  
\- Not really. What if they’re forced to become titans?  
His expression changes again. It’s a slight change, but I can see it. Well, that was a shot in the dark, but I think I’m onto something.  
\- I don’t know where you get all these crazy ideas, Desi. You’re over thinking the whole situation.  
Reiner proceeds to get up.  
\- I hope you will feel better soon. I will leave you alone with your thoughts.  
\- Alright, thank you again for keeping me company, Reiner.  
\- No problem.  
And he moves away. One thing is for sure, he leaves me alone with a lot of new thoughts.


	16. Chapter 16

The quiet whispers of two young men were the only sound that could be heard in the dark night.  
\- I’m telling you, she probably knows something.  
\- What makes you so sure?  
\- Do you think it’s a coincidence she asked me those exact questions?  
\- I agree it’s strange, but what if those were only guesses, and she doesn’t have any solid proof?  
\- Even so, she can always share those guesses, as you called them, with the Captain and Commander. And if by some miracle they believe her, they won’t just stay put. We might be found out at any given moment. We need to get rid of her, before any of that happens.  
\- I’m not really comfortable with hurting her, unless there is an absolute need for that.  
\- Are you serious right now? Do you really want to risk everything we’ve done so far for a girl?  
\- No, of course not, but I don’t want to resort to violence if there is no actual need for one.  
\- You’ve always been way too soft….Fine, we will wait a bit more, and keep a close watch on her.  
\- Fine by me. Besides, we have a bigger problem right now. We should focus on Eren.  
\- I still can’t believe it. He had that power all this time, and we never knew.  
\- I don’t think he knew either, since he never used it.  
\- Or he was waiting for an opportunity to do so.  
\- In any case, we need to act quickly, before he has time to improve it.  
\- Agreed. 

***

\- Hanji-san, is this really necessary?  
\- Yes, Eren, I need to test your blood. Since you can’t remember anything, I have to do my own research, if we want to get some answers. Now, relax, I’ll just need a small sample of your blood.  
Hanji-san pressed the syringe against Eren’s arm. In that moment memories from deep within his mind, ones that were long forgotten, emerged on the surface and flashed before his eyes.

>   
>  _“No, father! Stop this! Please, don’t!”_  
>  The tip of a syringe flashed before his eyes. It broke the skin of his arm, and the liquid made its way inside his body. He begged his father with tears in his eyes, but his pleas were useless.  
>  _“I’m sorry, Son, I have to do it. You need to continue what I started.”_  
> 

  
\- Hanji-san, STOP!  
The rest of the memory made Eren sick to his stomach.  
\- What’s wrong, Eren? You’re shaking.  
\- I…I think I remembered something…

***

My back hits the wooden wall hard, and Mikasa grabs me by the collar.  
\- You! What right did you have to separate me from Eren??  
\- Hey, hey, Mikasa, calm down.  
Jean tries to interfere, but his words have no effect on her.  
\- Mikasa, let go. I only did what I had to do.  
\- No, you were sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong! What is it about you anyway? Even the Captain does what you tell him. Did you sleep with him as well? Is that why you keep sneaking around during the night?  
\- H-hey, you’re going too far!  
\- Shut up, Jean!  
I feel all eyes on me, expecting me to say something in my defense. Why do I have to keep going through this stuff over, and over again? I’m sick and tired of dealing with their accusations. I don’t really care enough anymore, and it shows on my completely unaffected expression.  
\- Let go of me, Mikasa.  
My indifferent behavior only makes her angrier.  
\- Sigh, look, I don’t want to fight with you. Don’t think you’re the only one around here, who cares about Eren. I care about him just as much as I care about you, even if that might be hard for you to believe. I wanted you out of there, because you were on the brink of exhaustion, both physically and emotionally. The reason why the Captain agreed with me is because he probably noticed the same thing I did. I don’t really care what you think about me, as long as it doesn’t affect our mission. What I do in my personal life is my own concern, and I have no intention to explain my actions to anyone, or apologize for anything.  
I move a hand over Mikasa’s hand, which is still gripping me just as tight.  
\- Nothing can be solved with violence. I’m sure even you know that much.  
Mikasa’s expression is a mixture between confusion and rage. She isn’t sure what to do next. At that moment Captain Levi walks in.  
\- Seriously? Why is it that every time I come here, there’s a fight going on? Can’t you brats just get along?  
Mikasa finally loosens her grip, and lets go of me.  
\- Easy on the nerves, Ackerman. You’re starting to look more and more like your beloved Eren.  
If I didn’t know the Captain better, I would be very scared for his life after those words. But Mikasa remains silent.  
\- Listen up, everyone. Prepare to leave for Trost District. There have been no signs of titans today. We need to go and gather the bodies of everyone, who died. I expect you to be ready to go in 15 minutes.  
\- Yes, Sir!

***

So many of them…Damn, I already knew there would be a lot of bodies, but seeing them up close is the worst part. It hurts so much to be faced with death like this. It feels like they all died for nothing. No…I can’t think like this. As Scouts, this is what we are bound to face sooner or later. I know that, but it doesn’t make things any easier. I chase the uneasy thoughts away, and go back to writing my report. I have to fill in the names of everyone, their rank and which squad they were a part of. My peripheral vision catches a glance of Armin. He just stares at one of the corpses, and doesn’t move a muscle. I sigh, and move to his side.  
\- Hey, Armin, are you doing okay?  
\- Huh? Ah, hey, Desi. I don’t really know…  
What a pained smile he’s wearing.  
\- I know this is very hard. It’s not even a bit easier for me, but if we can’t do this much, we won’t really survive long as Scouts.  
\- I know…I know that, but whenever I look at them, my mind goes back to Eren’s face in those last moments before he got eaten. He looked so brave. Even if he was scared, it didn’t show on his face at all. He didn’t cry or beg for help, he just looked at me, like he was alright with the situation. I…thought he was gone for good. I…couldn’t do a thing…I just stood there and couldn’t do a single thing like a complete coward…  
_“Don’t I know how that feels?”_ I thought.  
\- Look, Armin.  
I take a hold of his shoulders.  
\- There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all get scared, it’s only natural. I know back then I shouted at you, but the truth is I was angry at the situation, and took it out on you. It was because I felt completely useless when I saw my friends in this state. I wish with all my heart that I can be stronger one day, so I can protect everyone that’s dear to me. There’s nothing I want more. So, Armin, let’s see it together, the time when we are both stronger and can change the course of faith. What do you say?  
\- Desi…  
Armin wipes his tears away.  
\- You’re right! I want to become stronger myself; I don’t want to cower away anymore. So I’ll do my best!  
I smile at him.  
\- Good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are so many characters, and I'm trying to cover as much ground as possible, while also balancing between some of the actual events and the ones I made up myself. If there are any major plot holes, I apologize, I'm doing my best not to allow that. This is the hardest fanfic I've ever had to write, but I like the challenge.


	17. Chapter 17

Today Erwin Smith was called to speak with Zachary Dhalis, the head of all three divisions of the army. Apparently, the Military Police was getting impatient with the Survey Corps and their hold on Eren.  
\- Erwin, when I made the decision to authorize you and the Survey Corps with Eren Yaeger, I expected to see results. I hope you have them for me; otherwise I will have to take the Military Police’s point of view into consideration.  
\- I hope it won’t come to that. And I actually do have something to report. Squad Leader Hanji Zoe has been working with Eren Yaeger, and they are making progress. He is regaining his memories little by little, and once he is ready, I plan to set my idea in motion. Since it was proven that for some unknown to us reason he can turn into a titan, we think he can be very useful. I never thought we would actually have a titan on our side, but we can’t close our eyes to such an opportunity.  
\- I do agree with you, Erwin, but are you certain he won’t become troublesome and uncontrollable once he becomes a titan again? What if he is trying to fool us, and is actually our enemy?  
\- I can’t guarantee everything will go smoothly, but I have faith in him, and I do believe he is an ally. Besides, if anything goes wrong and Eren becomes a threat to humanity, Levi will take care of him immediately.  
\- You already have everything planned, don’t you, Erwin?  
\- I’m simply doing my job.  
\- Alright, since we’ve settled this question, you can go. Keep me up to date every step of the way. As long as I see good results, I will keep the Military Police out of your hair. Don’t disappoint me, Erwin.  
\- I won’t. Thank you for the support. 

***

\- Erwin, are you sure it was a good idea to keep the reason why Eren became a titan a secret from the Old Man?  
\- I think it was necessary. First of all, we are not 100 percent sure this is the real reason. Eren’s memories are pretty vague. Second of all, if his father really did manage to turn his son into a titan, that means he knew something way beyond our current knowledge on titans. Up until now, we didn’t even acknowledge the idea that a human can become one of those creatures. Until we have more information on our hands, I would rather keep all of this a secret.  
\- Alright, it’s your call.  
Levi proceeded to leave Erwin’s office, but stopped and turned around.  
\- Oi, Erwin, you seem to be back to your old self.  
\- Hm? Do you think so?  
\- She is also doing well, in case you are interested.  
\- Ah, alright, that’s good.  
\- It’s better this way.  
Those were Levi’s last words before he left Erwin alone. What Levi didn’t know, or he was pretending not to notice, was the fact it was taking Erwin a lot of effort to act like being away from her isn’t affecting him at all. All he wanted was to hold her in his arms once again, and tell her how important she is to him. How important she has always been, even if he didn’t realize it at first.  
\- Better this way, huh? I wonder…

***

\- Everyone, today is a very important day. Thanks to Eren Yaeger we have a chance to secure the broken gate in Trost District, and stop the titans from making their way in. Once he turns into a titan, he will carry a big boulder, which will be used for that purpose. I will now assign a team, which will be responsible for keeping an eye on Eren’s actions. There is a possibility he might not be able to control his Titan form, or be attacked by other titans, therefore he can’t be left unsupervised. Mikasa Ackerman, Armin Arlert, Jean Kirstein and Desi, you will watch Eren every step of the way, and make sure things go according to plan. You will answer to Captain Levi. Everyone else will scatter around, and kill all titans on sight. If anything goes wrong, don’t hesitate to use the signal flares and ask for assistance. Our success today depends on everyone working together, and giving their best. I trust in your abilities! Shinzou wo Sasageyo!  
After the Commander’s speech, we all make it down the wall to Trost District, and position ourselves. The place seems quiet for now, even a bit too quiet. But we can never be too careful. Captain Levi gives us a few last instructions, and leaves us to join the titan scouting group. Armin is the one who speaks up.  
\- Alright, Eren, let’s do this.  
\- Yes!  
I’m proud of Armin; he looks livelier than before, and confident in his actions. Same goes for Eren. Unlike his first shock when he was faced with his ability, he seems much better now. Even Mikasa isn’t her usual gloomy self. I have a good feeling about today. Eren bites his hand, and his body is immediately engulfed in a combination between green and yellow lights. It’s almost blinding. It’s amazing to watch his transformation this close - feels scary and exciting at the same time. Damn, his roar is loud. I cover my ears. Right when I think everything might just go smoothly, it goes totally wrong in a matter of seconds. The Eren titan doesn’t even move towards the boulder, instead he turns to Mikasa. Crap, this is bad. I immediately hurry to her. She manages to avoid being crushed by his fist, but is captured instead.  
\- Damn it, Eren, let go!  
I shout, and go for his fingers. I manage to sever them and catch Mikasa, taking us both away. Eren chases after us. I land on one of the houses, and let Mikasa go.  
\- Let’s split up.  
I tell Mikasa, and with a nod we both head in different directions. When I look back, I can see Jean and Armin follow close after the Eren Titan, which chooses to chase me. Damn, this wasn’t supposed to happen!


	18. Chapter 18

\- Eren, snap out of it!  
Why did I think this will work? I’m running out of escape routes. I can’t play tag with the Eren Titan all day long. I take out my signal flare and fire a smoke signal. 

***

Commander Dot Pixis joined Erwin Smith up on Wall Rose. He was curious about the operation, and wanted to see if it has any chance of success.  
\- To what do I owe the pleasure, Pixis?  
\- Oh, I’m simply here to enjoy the view. Don’t you think the weather is quite nice today?  
\- I hadn’t really noticed. I guess you’re right.  
\- Would you like to take a sip?  
Erwin was offered a bottle of alcohol.  
\- No, thank you, I will have to decline.  
\- Suit yourself.  
Commander Pixis took a big gulp.  
\- Say, Erwin, do you really believe your plan will work?  
\- There are many things that can go wrong, but success is never achieved unless we take risks. I chose to gamble once more, and to believe in the abilities of my soldiers.  
Commander Dot Pixis smiled wide underneath his moustache.  
\- I’ve always liked you, Erwin. You never cease to amaze me.  
\- The feeling is mutual, Pixis.  
Their conversation was interrupted by a smoke signal that immediately caught Erwin’s attention.  
_“The signal came from way too close to the wall. It’s probably someone from Levi’s group. Something must have happened.”_  
Thoughts of Desi being in trouble ran through his mind. He turned to Pixis.  
\- Excuse me, my friend, but I must leave you for now.  
Erwin didn’t wait for an answer, and left in a hurry.  
\- Interesting.  
Dot Pixis watched after Erwin, and enjoyed his drink. 

***

\- Hey, you idiot, follow us instead!  
Jean makes a cut on Eren Titan’s arm to distract him, but he isn’t stopping. On the contrary, he starts to run even faster. At this rate, he will catch me in no time, and I am slowly, but surely running out of gas. Jean turns to Armin.  
\- What do we do? You’re supposed to be the smart one. Think of something!  
\- I’m thinking!  
Mikasa climbs on top of the Eren Titan, and is trying to talk to him. As if that will work at this point. I turn to look at her.  
\- Mikasa, get away from him, unless you want to be attacked again!  
But she, of course, doesn’t listen to me. I’m not paying attention to where I’m going, and when I finally look in front of me, I almost crash against the wall of a house, but am able to avoid it at the last second. As a result, I fall hard on the ground. I swear under my breath, and try to get up. It hurts all over. And then I hear it – the Eren Titan’s roar.  
\- Do something about him!!  
I scream to whoever can hear me, and pray I can escape on time.  
\- What do we have here? A troublesome brat that needs to be punished!  
Captain Levi comes out of nowhere, and aims for Eren Titan’s leg, cutting it off. I see him stumble and fall in my direction. Damn, I need to get away from here fast!  
\- Desi!  
The Commander manages to grab me on time. I hear the crash behind us. I cling to him like a small child, just like back then when he rescued me for the first time. I can hear his loud heartbeat. Was he…worried about me? We land on one of the houses, and the Captain lands next to us.  
\- Levi, can you take care of the rest?  
\- I might have to beat some sense into that kid, but I’ll make sure he learns his lesson.  
\- Good. I am taking Desi off the operation.  
\- What?? No!  
The Commander turns to me.  
\- You’re injured, and I won’t allow you to risk your life any further.  
\- I can still fight!  
\- That’s an order, Desi!  
I bite my lips, and refrain from any more objections. The Captain shifts his gaze between the both of us, shakes his head and goes back to the others.  
\- Come on, Desi. Let’s head back to Wall Rose.  
\- Y-yes...

***

\- Anyone mind telling me why everything went to hell, and we still don’t have a plugged gate?  
Armin is the one, who explained everything to the Captain.  
\- We can’t get through to Eren. He’s completely out of control. - Jean joined in - This is totally different from the first time he was a titan. He only attacked titans back then. He almost injured Mikasa.   
\- I’m sure he didn’t want to!  
Mikasa tried to defend Eren.  
\- Maybe we should try to take Eren out of the titan’s nape. - Armin offered.  
\- That won’t do. We can’t risk stopping now. If we do, and the operation is a failure, Eren will be taken by the Military Police, and you all know what will happen then. This mission needs to be successful at all costs.  
\- Yes, you’re right, Captain…  
\- Let’s try to knock some sense into him instead.  
The Captain headed to the Eren Titan, whose arms and leg have started regenerating. He landed on the back of his neck.  
\- Your limbs should be around…here.  
And he stabbed the spot deep with one of his blades. The Titan body reacted, and let out a loud roar.  
\- Bingo. Now, listen to me, you little brat. Wake up from this daze you’re in. We have a mission to do.  
He stabbed the other side of his nape as well. The Titan let out another roar.  
\- Wake up, Eren! You want to avenge your mother? Protect your friends? Exterminate all titans? Then wake up, and do it!!

***

Inside the Titan’s body, Eren’s eyes snapped open.  
\- Huh? Was that a dream? I thought I heard the Captain’s voice…  
Captain Levi moved away when the Eren Titan proceeded to get up. He went back to Mikasa, Armin and Jean.  
\- Do you think he’s back to himself? - Jean couldn't help but ask.  
\- I sure hope so. – was Armin’s reply.  
The Eren Titan turned to look their way, then walked past them and made its way to the boulder.  
\- Well, it was about time. Come on, we’ll follow after him.  
\- Yes, Sir. 

***

In the meantime, the Commander and I arrive back on top of Wall Rose. He makes it up first, and I follow after. I walk up to him in anger, and when he turns around I slap him hard. His expression is one of pure shock.  
\- That is for taking me off the operation! I’m not a little kid you need to protect! I want to be out there and fight, like I’m supposed to!  
\- Then why did you fire a signal flare?  
\- That’s…To be aided, of course! Not…this!  
\- My order stands. If you act against it, I will take you off the Survey Corps.  
\- Excuse me??  
\- You heard me. And I will forgive the slap this time. I deserve it…for many things.  
\- You’ve got to be kidding me…  
\- Excuse me for the interruption, but I couldn’t help overhear.  
A visibly drunk Commander Pixis makes his way to us, his cheeks flushed in red.  
\- C-commander Pixis…I didn’t know you were here.  
In my embarrassment, I turn as red as his cheeks. He probably heard the whole thing, and I slapped Commander Smith…I’m in so much trouble.  
\- Hmm, have I seen you before, my dear?  
Commander Pixis studies me intently.  
\- Y-yes, yes, you have, Sir.  
\- Oh? That’s weird; I wouldn’t forget a beauty like you.  
\- Thank you…I guess.  
My mind is practically going haywire right now.  
\- You two can go back to your quarrel. I don’t want to be in the way. I’ll just sit over there.  
He points to a spot with his finger, pats Erwin’s shoulder and walks away. The Commander turns his attention to my troubled face.  
\- You don’t need to worry so much. He probably won’t remember this conversation, and even if he does, he’s not one to poke his nose in other people’s business.  
I am thankful for the reassurance, but I’m still very upset, so I refuse to apologize, or thank him in any way.  
\- I guess that’s fine.  
\- I give a vague answer, and walk to the edge of Wall Rose.   
I sit down, and my gaze follows the Eren Titan, who seems to finally be under control and is carrying the boulder to the broken gate. At least today’s operation might actually end up successful. I wish I didn’t have to be here, and watch from a distance. The Commander sits down next to me. I want to look at him, but refuse to do so. A slap isn’t enough to make me forget.  
\- I apologize.  
\- What?  
His voice takes me away from my inner fight.  
\- I apologize for what I said before. You might not believe me, but I didn’t mean any of it. You’re actually very important to me, and if anything happens to you, I won’t be able to take it.  
I clench my hands in fists in an attempt to stop the tears of relief, which threaten to spill out any second.  
\- I…I want to hate you. I want to hate you so damn much, but…I can’t. How can I hate someone I’ve always…  
No, I can’t say that.  
\- Always what, Desi?  
\- I accept your apology. But I’m still angry at you.  
The Commander smiles.  
\- That’s fine with me.  
He moves a hand closer to mine, and intertwines our fingers. Before I can protest in any way, he leans his body to mine.  
\- W-what the hell are you doing? Commander Pixis is here!  
\- I don’t care.  
And he shuts me up with a kiss. My body instantly betrays me, remembering how good it feels to be kissed by him. He breaks off the kiss. It didn’t last very long, but my heart refuses to calm down. The Commander whispers in my ear.  
\- _“You’re too cute, my dear. I can’t help but tease you.”_  
\- Y-you, perverted old man!  
\- You’re beginning to sound just like Levi.  
\- Huh?  
But the question I was about to ask remains hanging when we hear a loud crash in the distance. I instantly move my gaze in the direction of the sound, and can’t help but let out a happy cry.  
\- They did it, Commander! The gate is plugged!  
In my happiness, I forget how angry I was, and capture the Commander in a hug. My heart is leaping with joy. He answers my hug.  
\- Yes, my dear, they did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When it comes to Erwin, I'm weak, so very weak. Sue me! XD


	19. Chapter 19

Zachary Dhalis and Erwin Smith were having a conversation about the events from earlier in the day.  
\- Good work, Erwin. Your mission was successful after all.  
\- Thank you. We had some small issues, but in the end everything worked out.  
\- About those issues, I do have my concerns. If I understand correctly, Eren Yaeger attacked Mikasa Ackerman and almost killed Desi right after he turned into a titan. That is very serious, Erwin. How can we even trust him after such actions?  
\- I understand where you’re coming from, but thanks to Levi he managed to regain his senses, and completed his task.  
\- Even so, he endangered his fellow soldiers, and almost became a serious threat. I think it’s about time we settle this matter in court.  
\- Please, reconsider. I am certain Eren will learn to control his ability with just a bit more time.  
\- I apologize, Erwin.  
Erwin Smith was about to continue his protest, but Zachary Dhalis stopped him with a raise of his hand.  
\- Even so, I did promise to aid you if you show good results and succeed with your plan, so I will buy you a bit more time.  
Erwin looked visibly relieved.  
\- Thank you. 

***

After the gate is sealed, we have a big party to celebrate it. After all, this is Humanity’s first big victory against the Titans. Everyone is hopeful, and has high expectations for the future. It’s getting a little bit too noisy for me, so I go out of the cabin to get some fresh air.  
\- Ahh, such a peaceful night. A bit chilly, just perfect.  
Jean walks out after me.  
\- Hey, Shortie, why are you out here? Is everything alright?  
\- Yes, don’t worry, I’m perfectly fine.  
He smiles at me.  
\- Good. How is your body doing?  
\- Much better actually. This reminds me, I’m sorry I couldn’t be with the rest of you until the end of the mission. I wanted to stay, but the Commander wouldn’t hear of it…  
\- It’s alright. You don’t need to apologize. Besides, he was just looking out for you.  
\- You think so?  
\- Of course, it’s not hard to tell. I guess he really does like you, huh?  
\- I guess so…  
\- Well, I know what I said before, but as long as you both are alright with it; just go for what you want. Trust your heart.  
\- Jean…  
\- I’m your best friend after all! If I can’t do this much, what kind of a friend would I be?  
And he gave me a big smile.  
\- You are the most awesome friend anyone can ask for!  
\- Good, I’m glad you realize it.  
\- It wouldn’t kill you to be a bit more modest, though.  
\- Not happening.  
We share a laugh.  
\- I’m sorry if I’m interrupting something. I can come back later.  
\- Mikasa speaks up. Seems like she just got out as well.  
\- Ah, no, no, its fine, Mikasa, stay.  
\- Alright.  
\- I’ll leave you two girls alone. Be nice!  
\- Yes, yes, of course.  
I wave after Jean, and turn to Mikasa.  
\- Something on your mind?  
\- Actually…I want to thank you.  
\- Hm? What for?  
\- For coming to my rescue today. You had no reason to risk your life for me, but you did, even after I was horrible to you. Why did you do it?  
\- I did tell you before that I care for you, and I would never leave a friend in trouble, as long as I can do something for them. When I joined the Survey Corps, I swore to myself to always give it my all. If I don’t, I will feel useless and I can never allow that.  
\- I guess I was very wrong about you. I apologize for spreading those nasty rumors…  
\- Oh? It was you? I would have never thought. But it’s fine, really. It hurt me at first, but I’m over it.  
I feel like Mikasa is getting pretty uncomfortable in a situation like this one, so I decide to put an end to it.  
\- Anyway, everything between us is good, so you don’t need to worry. And I appreciate the apology. I will be out here a bit longer. Why don’t you join the others inside, and have a nice celebration? You deserve it.  
\- Yes, I will. Thank you.  
And she goes back inside.  
\- Follow my heart, huh...  
My legs have a mind of their own, as I walk away from the cabin. 

***

\- Now is our chance. Go and follow her, find out where she’s going.  
\- Why me? Why can’t you follow her?  
\- Because she will never suspect you, dummy. She is already suspicious of me.  
\- Fine! I’ll go. 

***

Hmm, I swear it feels like someone has been following me for quite a while now. I can hear their faint footsteps on the grass. I stop in my spot, and the other person seems to stop as well. Alright, if that’s the game we’re going to play. I start running as fast as I can. The other person seems to hesitate for a bit, but soon I hear them again. If I’m correct, they are close enough and I can catch them in the act. It’s now, or never. I immediately turn around and my eyes start their search. I’m lucky the moon is quite full tonight, and I can see most of my surroundings clearly. I see the figure of someone attempting to quickly hide behind a tree. Quite tall, aren’t you? Got ya.  
\- I see you, Bert!  
The figure doesn’t move at first, but then, just as I suspected, I see a very nervous Bertolt make his way towards me. I am trying to catch my breath.  
\- As fun as this game was, why the hell are you following me around like that? It’s very, very creepy.  
\- Ah, I’m sorry, Desi, didn’t mean to scare you. I saw you leave by yourself and got worried, so I followed you.  
I wonder if he’s telling the truth.  
\- Thank you, Bert, but I’m perfectly fine on my own. You don’t need to worry about me.  
\- Yes, you’re probably right, I apologize.  
\- Have a good night.  
\- Ah, you, too, Desi.  
And I continue on my way. 

***

\- How could you get caught??  
\- Well, I did. I didn’t expect her to suddenly run off.  
\- Damn it, now we both look suspicious. We need to find another approach. 

***

\- First Reiner, now Bertolt. I swear, they’re starting to make me suspicious of my own shadow.  
When I reach a certain building, I stop and look at one of the windows.  
\- He’s still up, huh?  
I hesitate for a bit, but my heart is hammering in my chest and begging me to just go in. So I obey it, like so many times before.


	20. Chapter 20

I’ve been walking on instinct. I’m still not sure whether I should be there, and I don’t even realize I’ve already reached the door to his office. I stand in front of it, but don’t dare move a muscle. I followed my heart, but I’m still very scared. Of what, I’m not really sure. Erwin Smith still feels like the forbidden fruit, and I’m the Eve, who keeps biting from it, but refuse to give it up, or let it go. On one hand I respect him, but on the other I…Damn, this is impossible.  
\- Oh, hey, hey, Desi!  
\- Eep!  
I jump in my spot. My heart is threatening to leap out of my chest.  
\- Did I scare you?  
\- H-Hanji-san, it’s you. Yes, a bit, I was deep in thought.  
\- Did Erwin scold you, or something?  
\- Ah, no, no. I actually haven’t spoken with the Commander yet.  
\- Hm? Are you afraid of something? You look very nervous.  
\- Yes, a bit actually.  
\- I wouldn’t worry, if I were you. Erwin is a nice guy.  
\- Yes, you’re right, Hanji-san. 

***

Erwin Smith couldn’t help overhear the conversation going on outside his office. He didn’t catch all of it, but he was able to recognize the voices of Hanji and Desi. He waited patiently, until it got quiet again.  
_“I wonder if she will decide to knock. Well, if she doesn’t, I will just have to go get her myself.”_  
Erwin waited for about a minute, and got up from his spot. He walked towards the door, and opened it. 

***

\- W-why does everyone keep scaring me like this??  
I was just about to knock when the Commander suddenly opens the door. He chuckles at my annoyed pout.  
\- I’m sorry, my dear, I wanted to make sure you won’t walk away.  
I study his face, and gasp in surprise.  
\- Since when do you wear glasses?  
\- Ah, these. My eyes were getting tired from all the paperwork for today’s mission. I don’t wear them too often. Do I look bad with them?  
\- **NO** , not at all.  
I gulp hard. On the contrary.  
\- But, wait. You knew I was here?  
\- Of course I did. You two weren’t exactly quiet.  
\- Ah, I see.  
\- Do you want to come in?  
\- I don’t know…Should I?  
\- I think you already know the answer.  
\- I guess I do.  
I slowly make it inside, and Erwin closes the door behind me. I hear him turn the key and lock the door. I immediately turn around, and see him make his way towards me. I move back with quick steps, but soon there is nowhere else for me to go, and my back hits his desk. He completely blocks my escape path, and hovers over me. How come I always end up in this position?  
\- Don’t tell me you didn’t think this would happen if you come here, Desi?  
\- I…I didn’t know.  
\- Don’t lie, my dear.  
I can feel his hot breath against my flushed cheek.  
\- Erwin, stop this.  
\- You know very well I can’t.  
His lips brush against my ear. The mere contact makes me shiver.  
\- And you know you want this as well. Otherwise, why would you come see me?  
\- Not everything is about sex!  
\- I’m not talking about sex, Desi.  
I’ve been keeping my gaze away, but I finally look at him.  
\- We both have the need to be close to each other. Even when we attempt to be away from one another, we end up here.  
\- That’s because…we need to try harder!  
\- Oh, that’s not true, and you know it just as well as I do.  
\- Erwin…  
I slowly give in, it was obvious I will.  
\- Erwin, what I feel for you…  
But he places a finger on my lips, thus interrupting me mid-sentence.  
\- I know. You don’t need to say the words. I feel the same way.  
My heart swells from happiness upon hearing his confession. I feel betrayed by my own feelings. Why does it have to be so hard? Who knows, maybe if it wasn’t, the feeling wouldn’t be this strong.  
\- Desi, ever since I felt the taste of your lips for the first time, I’ve wanted nothing more but to lock you away and keep you for myself.  
My expression changes to a scared one.  
\- No, no, I wouldn’t really do it, but I am trying hard to hold back. It all depends on you.  
\- That is so not fair!  
\- I never knew I could be such a possessive man, but I can’t think straight when it comes to you.  
The Commander lifts me up in his arms, and places me to sit up on the desk. He whispers seductively in my ear.  
\- 'Be mine, Desi.'  
_“Oh, God, I’m so screwed”_.  
Before I can summon any kind of answer, Erwin bites my ear playfully and my thoughts get all jumbled up.  
_“Oh, no, you don’t, you won’t be the one in charge this time.”_ I push against his body to get a bit of space to breathe properly. I look up at him, and kiss him first. My kiss probably seems impatient, because it catches him off guard, but that doesn’t last long. I wrap my arms around his neck, and he wraps his own around my body. I can feel his glasses press against my face every time I deepen the kiss, but it doesn’t bother me. But it seems like it bothers Erwin, because he stops the kiss and proceeds to remove them.  
\- No, don’t! I mean…  
\- Do you have a thing for men with glasses, Desi?  
Bingo.  
\- Maybe…  
_“Damn it, wipe that amused smirk off your face!”_  
\- In that case, I will keep them on, but only as long as they don’t get in the way.  
\- Thank you.  
\- Did I embarrass you, my dear?  
\- Don’t ask me questions you already know the answer to.  
\- How about we stop talking then? We have more important stuff to do anyway.  
I only nod. I need a way to embarrass him as well, and there’s one idea that makes its way in my mind. I jump down from the desk, and grab his hand, taking him to the sofa.  
\- Sit down, Erwin.  
I try to imitate his Commander voice, but I doubt I succeed.  
\- What are you trying to do, Desi?  
\- Sit down, and you’ll see.  
\- Alright then.  
He finally obeys, and gets comfortable. Alright, Desi, you can do this. I get down on my knees and position myself.  
\- No, you don’t need to do that, Desi.  
He extends his arms towards me.  
\- I swear, Erwin, if you stop me, I will walk out of the door.  
\- It’s locked.  
\- So? I will unlock it.  
He finally moves his arms away.  
\- Alright, I’ll be good.  
I smirk triumphantly. Last time he stopped me, but now it’s my turn. I run my fingers along the visible bulge in his pants. This view is sexier than I would ever admit out loud. Since when have I become so naughty? It’s because of this man right here. I squeeze the bulge lightly, and his body flinches.  
\- You won’t be able to use these pants tomorrow, Erwin.  
And before he can ask me why, I lick along the whole length of his member, starting from the bottom, leaving a big wet spot. When I reach the top, I gently nibble on it through the fabric. I can feel it twitching.  
\- Desi, don’t tease me like this. Just take it out…please.  
The Commander begging like this is an incredible turn-on.  
\- Only because you said “Please”.  
I remember what he did last time while undressing me, and decide to repeat the action. I hold the zipper of his pants between my teeth and slowly pull it down. It has the desired effect on Erwin.  
\- You play dirty, my dear.  
\- I learn from you, Commander.  
I slide the pants down his legs, and study his slightly wet underwear. So cute, in a very naughty way. Once I remove those as well, I stroke the head which seems to be quite wet with pre-cum. I want to have a taste, so I lick it clean. Tastes salty, but it’s not so bad. The Commander moans slightly, and when I capture the head between my lips and suck on it, he throbs in my mouth. I move my gaze up to his face. Once I notice him blushing, I know I’ve won. I continue with my actions, and fill my mouth to the brim with his length, my hand moving in sync with my lips. Ah, his sweet moans are filling my ears.  
\- Desi, stop!  
His arms fly to my shoulders and I look up at him.  
\- Was it bad?  
\- No, not at all, it feels too good. That’s why we should stop.  
I look at him confused and a bit anxious, while he pulls his underwear and pants back up. Afterwards, he turns to me and takes my hand.  
\- Come with me.  
\- Where are we going?  
\- You’ll see.  
He unlocks the door, and I follow him outside.


	21. Chapter 21

We walk, or more like run down the familiar corridor. We are about to make a turn when we are faced with Captain Levi, who is obviously in a hurry.  
\- There you are, Erwin. Seriously, it’s almost impossible to get a hold of you. I wish you would stop making everyone chase you around. Tch, if you two are done playing around like horny teenagers, we have a situation on our hands.  
\- Again? But we just plugged the gate. - I can't help but speak up.  
\- Not that kind of situation. Another titan showed up.  
\- Another Titan? What do you mean, Levi?  
\- Another Titan like Eren.  
What the…  
\- The Titan climbed all the way up to Wall Rose.  
The Commander turns to me.  
\- Desi, go tell everyone else, and get your gear. Me and Levi will meet you there in 15 minutes.  
\- Yes, Commander! 

***

When I make it down to the Survey Corps headquarters, some are still celebrating, while others are taking a rest. My eyes instinctively search for Jean, and I find him almost immediately. I’ve been running so fast, that I can’t manage even a single word.  
\- Desi, what’s wrong?  
\- Jean…Jean…It’s an emergency.  
\- An emergency? What happened??  
\- Another Titan…Another Titan showed up.  
\- Huh? What do you mean?  
I finally manage to form a coherent sentence.  
\- Another Titan like Eren showed up, and it climbed on top of Wall Rose.  
\- Excuse me??  
\- We need to gather everyone, and prepare ourselves for battle. The Captain and Commander are on their way here.  
\- You’ve gotta be kidding me…Let’s split up – you go tell the girls, some left to go to bed, and I’ll tell the guys.  
\- Alright.  
We notify everyone, and in no time we are all dressed up and wearing our equipment, just like we were always trained to react in an emergency situation. The Captain and Commander make it down shortly afterwards.  
\- Alright, listen up. Like you’ve already been told, a new Titan showed up, and started climbing Wall Rose. According to those, who witnessed its actions, it’s been up there ever since, and is probably waiting for us to show up. Whatever is going on, I can assure you it’s a trap. And we are going to walk right into it. We can’t risk endangering the civilians in Wall Rose, so we don’t have any other choice but to go up against the Titan. The Military Police and the Garisson will proceed to escort all citizens, and we have to buy them enough time. I need you all to be very careful, as we still don’t know what it’s capable of, and can expect anything. We need the human inside the titan alive, so no attempts to kill it. We have to capture the Titan, or cut the human out and capture them. Is that clear?  
\- Yes, Sir!  
\- A Titan capturing mission! Finally!  
We all turn our shocked gazes towards Squad Leader Hanji.  
\- Umm, Hanji-san, you’re drooling. - Squad Vice Captain Moblit Berner points out to her.   
Commander Smith clears his throat.  
\- We had one big victory today, let’s make them two!!  
\- Yes, Sir!!  
Before I follow the rest of the Survey Corps, I go back to Commander Smith and hand him a piece of paper.  
\- What is this, Desi?  
\- I didn’t have time to talk to you about this earlier, for reasons…If anything were to happen to me, read it.  
\- Wait, Desi!  
But I am already running ahead.  
\- Come on, Erwin, time to go.  
\- Yes, Levi.  
Erwin stares at the folded note in his hand and puts it away inside his pocket. 

***

\- There it is!  
We all turn our gazes to the female Titan up on the wall. It’s still not moving an inch. We assemble in groups, just like we were instructed.  
_“Who are you and what the hell are you planning?”_ I think to myself. I turn to the rest of my group.  
\- That is definitely a human inside a Titan, no doubt about it. To make it this far without anyone noticing, it’s not from outside…No…it probably came from inside Wall Rose, which means there’s a traitor amongst us. No one seems to be missing from the Survey Corps, which can only mean it’s someone either from the Military Police or the Garrison.  
Armin seems to have come to the same conclusion as me, because he agrees, and continues my thoughts.  
\- The question is what does it want? And what was so important it needed to show up during the night, and wait for us?  
\- No other way to find that out, but to capture it.  
We all agree, and wait for our orders.  
\- Alright, everyone, just like we talked. We will attack the Titan from all sides, and look for an opening. Our aim is to destroy its limbs and capture it. Let’s go!  
\- Yes, Sir!!  
As we proceed to make our move, I expect the Titan to at least react in any way, but it’s still watching us, or rather studying our actions.  
\- It’s going to jump!  
I can hear Armin shout next to me, but not everyone hears him on time. A second later the Female Titan jumps all the way down from the wall, and starts to run fast towards us. Some of the Survey Corps members that were ahead of us end up being crushed by her legs.  
\- Move away, everyone!  
I shout at my group, and we split up to avoid her. How the hell did she even make that fall with her legs intact? The wall is 50 damn meters tall. Even Eren lost a hand in his titan form when he hit that house instead of Mikasa. Alright, I will go for her legs first. I aim for her leg, but then she stops in her tracks, looks up at me and I know I’ve screwed up. She pulls on the wire for my hook and sends me flying towards one of the houses.  
\- What…the…hell!  
She didn’t use a lot of strength, but my back still hits the roof quite hard and a few of the tiles break from the collision.  
_“Fuck, that hurts!”_ But what hurts more is when I look up, and see her mercilessly kill the Survey Corps one by one as they try to attack her in any way.  
\- No…no…Stop, you titan bitch!  
I gather all my strength, and go after her once more. I don’t care about the mission anymore, as long as I can save them. I aim for her neck, but once I do, she notices me and the skin on it changes.  
\- What the…  
Doesn’t matter, she’s going down! The second my blades touch the nape of her neck, they break in two. The broken parts shine in front of my eyes, before they fall down on the ground. I quickly move away. 

***

\- Damn it, Erwin, my people are dying one by one!  
\- I know, but you need to wait for an opening. If we lose you, we won’t stand a chance.  
\- Do you have that little trust in my abilities?  
\- Of course not, but I don’t want to take an unnecessary risk.  
\- Then what do you want me to do? Just stay here??  
\- For now, yes.  
\- What about Eren? Can’t we use the brat’s power?  
\- You know very well we can’t use his ability right now, after what happened today.  
\- Tch! No wonder the Titan attacked at this moment. It knew very well what it was doing.

***

Only by mere luck do I evade another one of the Female Titan’s attacks. My body feels heavy and tired. I managed to make a few cuts on her legs, but that’s about it. She moves way too fast. Her fighting style looks familiar, but I don’t have time to dwell on that.  
\- Who are you to walk in here and kill everyone?! I’m going to put an end to you!  
Eren bites his hand, and transforms. After what happened today, I’m very worried. But this time it seems like Eren is in control. However, the Female Titan is too strong for him. He can’t manage to land a single blow. All houses around them get completely destroyed in their fight. All we can do is watch their fight, and stay away so we don’t get crushed. 

***

\- That damn brat!! Is he out of his fucking mind?! He disobeyed orders, and is getting his ass kicked! I’m going in, Erwin!  
\- Be careful, Levi.  
_“Who are you?”_ Erwin thought to himself while his eyes followed the Female Titan. 

***

Captain Levi is making his way here. What is he even planning to do? He might get crushed, if he gets too close. The Eren Titan keeps trying to fight with the Female Titan, but it’s no use. With one last kick, the Female Titan severs his head from his body, and he falls on the ground. She kneels in front of him. Wait…that’s what she’s after! She needs Eren! She bites him out of the titan body, and swallows him carefully, as not to hurt him. No, she didn’t swallow him; she probably keeps him in her mouth. She stands up and proceeds to run away, in the direction of the wall. I follow after her.  
\- Oh, no, you don’t!  
I hear Captain Levi’s voice, and he goes for an attack. Wow, he’s fast…The Female titan can’t even manage to harden her skin, and he lands cut after cut on her body. At that point a loud crush startles me. It comes from the inner gate of Wall Rose. As the dust cloud begins to clear up a bit, I see him, and my mind goes back to the memory from the year 845. The Armored Titan…I can see him clearly, just like back then. Captain Levi stops attacking the Female Titan, and is forced to retreat. That was the plan, wasn’t it? The Female Titan had to kidnap Eren, and the Armored Titan would make an escape path for her. The Armored Titan suddenly turns to look at me. Shivers run all over my body, and I turn around to run away, but I don’t make it far. The Armored Titan’s hand grabs me mid-air. Its hold on me is strong enough, so I can’t escape, but not too strong so it doesn’t crush me. The Female Titan escapes through the broken gate, and the Armored Titan follows after her. Where...where are they taking us?  
\- Erwin…  
Tears run down my face, before I lose consciousness. 

***

\- Desi…  
Commander Smith watched in shock as the Titans disappeared in the distance.  
\- **Follow after them!!!**  
But it’s no use. Once the Survey Corps made it to Trost District’s plugged gate, there was no sign of the two titans. It’s like they vanished in thin air, along with their hostages.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm horrible at describing fighting scenes, I see it perfectly in my head, but can't always find the right words, for which I apologize.


	22. Chapter 22

\- Sir, there is no sign of the titans, but we saw the figures of two people on horses riding away from the wall.  
\- Did you see who they were?  
\- No, Sir, it was impossible to recognize them in the dark.  
\- Damn it!  
Erwin Smith was beside himself with anger. How did they manage to lose both of them so foolishly? He never expected the Armored Titan to show up as well. It was a perfect trap, and they fell right into it, not to mention all the lives they lost.  
\- Oi, Erwin, we’ll find them.  
Captain Levi placed a hand on Commander Smith’s shoulder, and then turned to the Scout.  
\- Do you have any idea in what direction they went?  
\- We think they might have headed for the Forest with giant trees, but I’m afraid we will have to wait until morning to establish a search party.  
\- The question is whether they will make a stop once they reach the forest, or continue on their way. And where exactly are they going?  
\- I understand why they would be interested in Eren, since he has the same power as them, but why would they kidnap Desi?  
Erwin Smith couldn’t help voicing the question, swirling around his mind. Captain Levi thought for a second, and answered.  
\- Maybe she knew something.  
\- But she never told me…Wait.  
Erwn Smith remembered the folded note in his pocket, and took it out.  
\- _“If anything were to happen to me, read this note”_ – those were her words.  
\- What are you waiting for? Read it. - Levi rushed Erwin.  
He unfolded the note quickly, and began reading it out loud.

> _**“My dear Commander, there is something important I must inform you about. I fear there are traitors among us - people who know more about the titans, and are possibly able to turn into them as well, just like Eren. These are only my theories, but I've been suspicious of two members of the Survey Corps – Reiner Braun and Bertolt Hoover. When I questioned Reiner about the possibility of humans turning into titans, either by will or be forced to do so, he called the idea crazy and it was obvious he was hiding something from me. I’ve noticed them split from our group many times, and one sleepless night I heard them whisper to each other outside when they thought everyone was sleeping. I didn’t hear the whole conversation, but they were definitely plotting something. And if my suspicions weren’t enough already, afterwards I caught Bertolt following me late at night when I was making my way to your office. It’s possible he was trying to find out whether I will inform anyone about my assumptions. I fear they will sooner or later try to get rid of me, so before they do I want to make sure you know about all of this. I sincerely hope you will find this information useful, and I was able to aid humanity even a little bit.**_
> 
> ****
> 
> ****
> 
> **_Desi”_**

  
The Commander finished reading her note, and was left speechless. But then he pulled himself together, and turned to the Scout.  
\- Did Reiner Braun and Bertolt Hoover make it back after the attack?  
\- I’m not sure, Sir. Do you want me to go check?  
\- Of course! And be quick!  
\- Yes, Sir!  
Then another question emerged in his mind.  
\- If one of them is the Armored Titan, who is the Female Titan? She doesn’t mention anything about it.  
\- It’s obvious she didn’t know of the existence of the Female Titan before last night. If those two are titans, the Female Titan is probably someone close to them, a friend, or an acquaintance. Someone who probably resided in Wall Rose. For them to escape that quickly after abandoning their titan form, someone was waiting for them with horses ready. But the Scout told us only two people were seen riding away, which means…  
\- One of them might still be inside Wall Rose - The Commander added.  
At that point the Scout made it back.  
\- Sir, there is no sign of either one of them. No one has seen them ever since we left for the mission last night.  
\- Did they leave together with the Survey Corps?  
\- Yes, Sir, we have witnesses, who can confirm it.  
\- That means they must have slipped away during our fight with the Female Titan. Alright, tell everyone to take a short rest. We leave for the Forest of giant trees first thing in the morning.  
\- Yes, Sir!  
After the Scout left them alone, Levi turned to Erwin.  
\- What are you thinking of doing with this small amount of people? We lost a lot of soldiers, and we will be running after at least two titans, not to mention all titans who will show up on our way and in the forest.  
\- I am aware of all of this, Levi, but it’s not like we have any other choice. We need to get Eren and Desi back, and I am willing to gamble on our chances of success.  
\- Alright then. I will trust in your judgment. You take a rest as well, you look like shit.  
\- Thank you, Levi, I’ll try.  
The Commander took one last look at the note.  
\- I swear I’ll bring you back, Desi…

***

\- Jean, you’re not going to sleep?  
\- I can’t sleep, Connie.  
\- I know you’re worried, but if you aren’t rested enough you won’t be able to do anything once we leave on our mission.  
\- I know that…It’s just…whenever I close my eyes, I imagine her lying somewhere…dead…Fuck!  
\- It’s going to be alright. Think about it, if they wanted to kill her, why take her away in the first place?  
\- Yeah…you’re probably right. She’ll be fine. Thank you. I’ll try to get some sleep. Good night, Connie.  
\- Night, Jean.  
But sleep didn’t come to Jean until much later.


	23. Chapter 23

Erwin Smith wasn’t able to sleep at all. He kept going through the plans for the mission, making sure everything was perfect. Well, as perfect as they can be in this case. After a couple of failed attempts to rest, at 4 am he put his uniform on and headed for Zachary Dhalis’ quarters. Erwin knocked on his door, perfectly aware of the early hour, but he just couldn’t stay still anymore. After a bit he heard shuffling and the Premier appeared in front of him.  
\- Erwin…I’m not surprised.  
\- I’m sorry for disturbing you.  
\- I wanted to talk with you anyway. Come in.  
\- Thank you.  
They both sat down. Zachary Dhalis put his glasses on.  
\- You look terrible, Erwin. Have you slept at all?  
\- No, not really. I have way too many things on my mind.  
\- What exactly happened out there, Erwin?  
\- I am prepared to take the whole blame. I didn’t think the situation through. If I had considered all the possible risks…  
\- There isn’t a person out there, who can foretell all risks, Erwin. There’s always the slight chance of an unexpected occurrence. Don’t burden yourself too much. The best course of action is to keep moving forward, and achieve your goal. Those, who died in battle, will be mourned and avenged. They knew what they were doing, and gave their lives for the common cause. The least you can do is follow their example, and never look back.  
\- I never thought I would hear a speech like this from you. I feel very ashamed.  
\- Well, in that case don’t make me repeat it, and this time come back after a successful mission.  
\- Yes, you’re right. Thank you, Zachary. I apologize again for disturbing you.  
\- No need for apologies. It’s always a pleasure. You and me, we’re very alike. Good luck today, Erwin.  
Erwin Smith pondered over Zachary Dhalis’ last words on the way back to his office. He was feeling rather down before, but now he had more faith in their success. 

***

It is probably around 5 am when I start to wake up from what feels like a very long sleep. Funny, I don’t usually sleep this much. Is it possible I overslept? But then I feel like my back is pressed against something hard. Wait a minute…I’m not in my bed…The memories from last night slowly make their way back to my brain. The mission…The Female Titan…The Armored Titan…And my eyes fly open. I see Eren next to me. He’s still asleep, or unconscious. His arms and legs seem to be tied with ropes. I look around. We are on the branch of a tall tree, and sleeping on another taller branch on our right are…  
\- Bert…Reiner…  
So my suspicions were correct, after all…Or maybe there’s a good explanation…  
_“Right, don’t be naïve, Desi.”_  
But…where is the Female Titan, or rather the person from inside the titan? I shuffle a bit, my body feels stiff and it hurts from being in this position for too long. I look down from the branch. Bad idea. I have a fear of heights. I’m not scared when I use the 3D maneuver gear, but this is different. Where the hell are we anyway? Looks like a forest. I’ve never been out here before, but it reminds me of the Forest of giant trees. I’ve heard quite a bit about it when I was…a child…  
_“Huh, was that a lost memory just now?”_  
I brush it off, and look up. The sun is about to rise soon, huh? Funny, it feels so peaceful, like a calm before the storm. Another thought causes a tingling sensation in my stomach. Erwin…What I wouldn’t give to be by your side right now…

***

\- Commander, we are prepared to leave at your command.  
\- Good. As I already explained, we won’t take part in any fights against titans we meet on the way, unless it’s absolutely necessary to do so. Our main objective is to reach the Forest of giant trees as soon as possible, and rescue Eren and Desi. We won’t under any circumstances attempt to capture any of the two titan shifters. Is that clear, HANJI?  
\- Y-yes, Erwin!  
\- As long as we can get Eren and Desi back, that is what matters. Since this mission is a complex one, we will use a new kind of approach. We will split into groups, so we’re not an easy target. Everyone should have their signal flares ready. The different colored smokes will help us communicate with each other. Red means you spotted a titan, black means the titan is an abnormal, purple is for an emergency, green is for a change in the direction of our formation, and yellow puts an end to our mission, successful or not. Actually, no, forget about yellow, there is no place for failure. Today we will take back the soldiers that were taken from us, and return home!  
\- Yes, Sir!  
\- Hey, Erwin!  
Erwin Smith turned around when the voice of his friend reached his ears.  
\- Nile? To what do I owe the pleasure?  
\- I heard about your mission, and decided to offer my assistance.  
\- How so?  
\- I am willing to lend you some of my soldiers. I assure you, the Military Police Brigade will be happy to support the Survey Corps as best as we can.  
\- How kind of you, Nile, but I don’t want to endanger any more people. There is a high possibility many soldiers won’t make it alive.  
\- I am aware of that, Erwin. I won’t take “No” for an answer. You will need as many people as possible.  
Erwin Smith couldn’t hold back from smiling.  
\- Thank you, Nile. I appreciate your help.  
After everything was explained to the new members, the Survey Corps and Military Police Brigade made their way outside of the walls, and thus began what was bound to be one of the hardest missions for humanity so far.


	24. Chapter 24

\- Oh, you’re already awake, Desi.  
I only look at Reiner, and move my gaze away.  
\- I guess you would be pretty upset. But you brought this upon yourself, you know.  
\- It was you…back then. - I speak up, without looking at him.  
\- Back then?  
\- The fall of Wall Maria. You broke the gate. I was there, and saw you up close, but you didn’t attack me.  
\- Hmm, I don’t really remember.  
\- I was scared, but couldn’t help being fascinated. So foolish…  
\- Are you scared right now?  
\- Not really. I’m more scared of falling down from this tree.  
\- Desi…we brought you here, because you became a threat to us.  
\- Oh, really, Reiner? How exactly am I a threat to you? Sooner or later the secret was going to be out anyway, with or without me noticing anything.  
\- Damn, you two are loud.  
Bertolt wakes up as well. I can’t will myself to look at him. I actually considered him a friend…I turn to look at Eren instead.  
_“How is he still asleep?”_ I think to myself. I turn back to Reiner and Bertolt.  
\- So, what are you planning to do now? What’s the next step?  
\- I guess it’s alright to tell you at this point. We will be taking Eren to our village. His power is valuable to our Chief.  
\- Chief?  
But my question is left unanswered.  
\- As for you, Desi…I’m afraid it will be game over for you.  
\- Hmph. - I snicker at Reiner, and he’s visibly annoyed.   
Where is all of this courage coming from??  
\- Aren’t you going to add anything, Bert? Or you’ve turned into a nobody, who has no personal opinion, and only goes with the flow?  
\- Be careful what you say, Desi! - Reiner shouts at me.  
\- Its fine, Reiner.  
Bertolt attempts to calm him down.  
\- I know you probably think badly of me, Desi, and it’s alright if you do. You can’t understand us anyway. Your mission and our mission are way too different. We are all fighting for what we believe in. Trust me, I don’t like being the enemy of someone I once called a friend.  
\- Bert…  
This situation is completely messed up. I should be more upset at them, but I can’t. It actually hurts me. At this point Eren finally wakes up. I mentally prepare myself for his reaction.  
\- What the…What is this?!?  
Eren looks up at me.  
\- Desi..? What’s going on? Where are we? And why am I tied up??  
\- Eren, calm down, please, otherwise you might fall down. We are in the Forest with giant trees.  
\- Forest with giant trees? What are we doing here?  
\- The mission failed and…  
I stop mid-sentence and look up instead. Eren follows my gaze.  
\- You guys…What…What the hell is going on??  
\- They kidnapped us, and brought us here.  
It seems Eren can’t really comprehend what I’m telling him. No, actually, it’s more like he can’t believe it. I understand where he’s coming from.  
\- You… **DAMN TRAITORS!!**  
Do they actually…look hurt by his words…?  
\- Eren, please calm down. Look, I know you’re very confused and angry right now, but there’s not much we can do in this situation. We are in a dangerous place, which at any moment can get swarmed with titans. We don’t have any of our gear, and Bertolt and Reiner can turn into titans…  
\- Listen to her, Eren. She’s way smarter than you.  
I send an irritated look Reiner’s way. Seriously, the last thing I need right now is an emotionally unstable Eren. He’s like a ticking bomb. After a bit, Eren finally speaks.  
\- What happened with the Female Titan?  
\- I actually have no idea.  
But I do have an idea about her identity. You don’t see that fighting style every day. But there is no way I’m giving them another reason to kill me.  
\- Come on, you two. Enough chit-chat. It’s time to finish this.  
\- Finish this? What the hell do you mean?? - Eren shouts angrily at Reiner.   
My heartbeat is so loud, I can actually hear it. Reiner jumps down next to me.  
\- I’m sorry it has to be this way, Desi.  
I can see my reflection in his blade. But there’s something else I notice – the hesitation in his eyes. There is no way I’m giving up like this.  
\- What about…being a soldier? Did it mean nothing to you? The time we all spent together? How hard we trained to become soldiers? We were like a family. Don’t you dare lie to me, and tell me it meant absolutely nothing to you!  
My eyes are starting to tear up.  
\- It did mean something! God damn it, it did! You might think I’m heartless, but I’m not. Whether you believe it or not, I don’t want to do this, but I have a mission to complete. I’m not a soldier…I’m a warrior.  
\- A warrior?  
But he doesn’t answer me.  
\- I’m sorry, Desi.  
I shut my eyes. Next to me Eren is thrashing and screaming at Reiner to stop. I’m so sorry, Eren. There was nothing I could do for you in my last moments.  
\- Reiner, stop!  
Huh? I slowly open my eyes.  
\- What do you mean stop?? We have to do this.  
\- No, we don’t. There is no need to kill her. Just, please stop this. It’s unnecessary, she never did anything wrong to us. We have Eren. He is the one we need. Reiner…how will you live with yourself if you do this to the girl you like?  
\- What?!  
When I look up at him, Reiner is…blushing…You’ve got to be kidding me.  
\- Bertolt…YOU! Why would you even say that??  
I move my gaze between the two of them, and I can’t help it.  
\- Haha…Hahahaha.  
I end up laughing at the absurdity of the situation.  
\- Are you actually serious right now??  
Eren’s annoyed voice interrupts my laughing fit.  
\- How can you even laugh at this??  
\- Well, at least she doesn’t bark all the time like you do.  
\- What did you say?!?  
Here we go...I get up from my spot in an attempt to stop them before they start fighting. But right when Reiner and Eren’s conflict begins something big rams itself against the tree we’re on. The tree shakes slightly from the contact. I lose my balance, and start to fall, a silent scream lodged in my throat. But Reiner quickly catches my arm and pulls me up. My body is shaking, and I don’t even realize that I’m clutching Reiner’s arm, but he doesn’t protest in any way. I look down. Oh, great – an abnormal titan.  
\- Bertolt, it’s time to leave.  
\- What about Desi?  
Reiner looks at me. I answer his gaze.  
\- I guess I can’t kill you after all.  
He’s smiling a bit.  
\- I’ll take you with me instead.  
_“What??”_  
At that point I notice something in the distance. It looks like…and my eyes fill with happy tears. The Survey Corps are making their way here.  
\- Commander… - I can’t help but mutter.  
Reiner interrupts my moment of happiness.  
\- Bertolt, take Eren. I will carry Desi. We will use the tall trees and get out of the forest with the 3D maneuver gear.  
I try to protest, but Reiner’s strong grip holds me in place. After we take off, the fear of falling down is stopping me from any objections. I hear Bertolt shout at Eren behind us.  
\- Eren, stop struggling, or we’ll both fall!  
I turn my head back and gaze towards the approaching Survey Corps. I am being taken away once more, and it feels just as bad as the first time. 

***

\- Erwin, do you see them? Up ahead in the trees? It seems like they are making their escape. We need to move faster.  
Erwin Smith nods at Levi, and turns to everyone else.  
\- We are about to enter the Forest with giant trees. Our targets are just ahead. Be prepared for a fight at any given moment!  
\- Yes, Sir!


	25. Chapter 25

**A little earlier, in the Scout Formation**

So far the mission was mostly peaceful. There weren’t many titans on sight, and the ones who did appear were quickly avoided, thanks to the smoke signals. Everyone was visibly relieved, but some of them were still very aware of the possible dangers that could arise at any time. One of them was Armin Arlert. Whether it was his anxious nature, or he had his suspicions, but he just couldn’t relax. Every single noise and movement startled him. All of his senses had become highly sensitive, and he kept repeating to himself to calm down. And that’s when it happened. He noticed the black smoke signals coming from all scouting groups behind him.  
\- That many abnormals all at the same time?? But that’s highly impossible…  
He also took out his signal flare and fired a black smoke signal. 

***

Commander Erwin Smith noticed the black smoke signals, but there was nothing to be done. They had to keep pushing forward. He could only hope the scouts in the back of the formation are able to deal with the abnormal titans, or at least buy the rest of them enough time to move as far away as possible.  
\- Erwin, what’s your call?  
Levi asked from his right side.  
\- We keep moving forward as planned. We won’t change the direction for the time being.  
\- Roger. Petra, spread the message around.  
\- Yes, Captain. 

***

\- It doesn’t look like anyone survived back there.  
Jean’s attention was still on the black smokes, which had almost dispersed.  
\- But at least there is no sign of the abnormal titans. Whatever the scouts did, they ensured our safety for a bit longer. – Krista answered him.  
Jean nodded, and willed himself to look ahead. What was about to happen in the near future was much scarier than a bunch of abnormal titans.  
\- And you assured me I won’t have to rescue you, Desi… - he mumbled to himself. 

***

Sasha Braus was beside herself with fear. She feared her hunter’s instincts won’t be enough if she finds herself in a sticky situation. She was so freaked out, that she didn’t even notice the obvious figure of a titan behind one of the houses. When her mind finally caught up with the situation, the titan jumped in front of her horse, and she was barely able to escape at the last moment. She turned around, and sped ahead with her horse.  
_“An Abnormal!”_ she thought and fidgeted with her signal flare gun, but her hands were too shaky and she dropped the smoke shell on the ground. The titan was about to catch up to her when Connie approached. He jumped up on his horse, aimed for the titan’s neck and landed a killing blow.  
\- Hey, Sasha, are you okay?  
When Connie moved next to her, he noticed she was shaking and had turned into a sobbing mess.  
\- C-Connie!  
He almost fell on the ground when Sasha suddenly clung to him and resumed her ugly cries.  
\- Hey, Sasha! It’s alright, calm down! Come on, we need to move ahead.  
Once she finally let go, they both returned to the formation. 

***

No more incidents occurred on their way, and the Survey Corps were slowly but surely reaching the Forest with giant trees. Once he saw it in the distance, Erwin Smith turned his attention to Levi.  
\- When we enter the forest, I am counting on you and your squad when it comes to the titan shifters. All I’m asking for is a chance to grab Eren and Desi, and get out of there as quickly as possible. Can you do that, Levi?  
\- Do you need to even ask? Consider it done.  
\- Thank you, Levi.  
Captain Levi addressed his squad, who were riding behind him.  
\- You heard the Commander. Our task is to rescue the brats. No unnecessary fighting with the Armored Titan. We still don’t know what he’s capable of, and I don’t want you to end up dead. Is that clear?  
Everyone nodded, the serious look in their eyes saturated with confidence. 

**Forest with giant trees**

We are high enough, so most titans can't even dream of reaching us. Even so, we have to stop a couple of times, since it’s quite challenging to move with the 3D maneuver gear while carrying another person. Not to mention poor Bertolt, who I’m very certain wishes he can feed Eren to the rest of the titans, instead of having to tolerate his constant outbursts.  
\- Hey, Reiner.  
\- Hm?  
I have to start a conversation, whatever it is. Keeping quiet in this situation is making me very uncomfortable.  
\- Bertolt said your mission is much different than ours. What did he mean by that?  
\- I can’t tell you.  
Of course, I expected this much.  
\- I’m still not sure whether I can trust you, or not. Taking you along was a spur of the moment.  
I have always been foolishly honest, which is why I constantly got myself in trouble. Just like at this current moment.  
\- I don’t think you can ever trust me completely, though. And I’m sure you are already aware of that. My place is in the Survey Corps, next to Commander Smith, and that will never change.  
\- I know that. I still wish you could consider another option, though. You probably agree with Eren – that we’re traitors. It must look like that in your eyes.  
\- Actually, no.  
And that isn’t a lie.  
\- I believe you have your good reasons for all of this. Everyone has battles of their own. To execute such a desperate plan, and risk your position in the Survey Corps by revealing your true identities, you were pushed to the wall and had to act fast.  
Reiner doesn't respond in any way. His silence is making me want to break the tall wall inside of him.  
\- You know, I never told you this, but the Commander wasn’t the only one I looked up to. I also admired you while we trained together. You were like the big brother, the one who gave example to the rest and took care of us. I don’t remember my childhood, so that’s probably the main reason why I considered every single one of you a family. But that doesn’t negate the influence you all had on me, and the person I became. That’s why…I can’t bring myself to hate you. I am mad, I am very, very peeved by this whole ordeal, but I don’t resent you, and I don’t resent Bertolt. You are way too important to me.  
Reiner keeps quiet for a bit, before he makes a sound of annoyance, lands on the nearest tree and lets go of me. Bertolt follows after, confused.  
\- Reiner, why are we stopping? - Bertolt asks.   
But Reiner doesn’t answer him, and instead turns to me.  
\- As long as you don’t move from this spot, you will be alright until the Survey Corps arrive and rescue you.  
\- What…What are you talking about, Reiner?  
I am visibly puzzled.  
\- I should have never taken you away in the first place. I won’t apologize for my actions, though. I did what I thought was right. I wish we could have more of those peaceful days. Let’s meet again in the future, alright? Don’t you dare die.  
Reiner ruffles my hair a bit.  
\- Come on, Bertolt.  
And they both leave. I can hear Eren’s annoyed shouts, which grow faint with the distance.  
\- Rei…ner…  
My body slides down into a sitting position, and for the first time today I feel alone and scared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am getting very emotional at this point *goes to cry in a corner* But yeah, the first time I reacted the same way as Eren, but I've always loved Bertolt and Reiner's characters. It's so very hard to hate most of the personages in Attack on Titan, that's how good the creator is x3


	26. Chapter 26

Mikasa took down a 7m abnormal titan at the entrance to the forest, and returned to her horse.  
\- Seems like there are no other titans for now, Captain.  
\- Good work, Mikasa. We are bound to meet more inside.  
She just nodded slightly.  
\- Oi, Mikasa. Keep your head up. You will see Eren soon.  
\- Yes, you’re right, Captain.  
\- Erwin, all scouts made it here. We can’t lose any more time.  
\- Understood, Levi. Alright, everyone, time to enter the forest. Onward! 

***

Quite a few titans have gathered under the tree I’m on. It feels like they’re waiting for me to fall, just so they can eat me. I get goose bumps from the terrifying thought. I wonder what happened to the Survey Corps. I hope they’re safe. There’s nothing more I can do right now. I feel so useless…First I got myself kidnapped, then I let Reiner and Bertolt get away with Eren, and now I’m just sitting and waiting to be rescued…It’s not like I had much choice in the matter, but it still feels horrible. Bertolt, huh? I wonder what his titan form is. And then it hits me.  
_“He’s the Colossal Titan, isn’t he? With his height, and the fact he came together with the Armored Titan, no wonder.”_  
I don’t even notice I’ve regained a bit more of my memory. I shouldn’t be able to remember anything before meeting Reiner/The Armored Titan. I look down at the titans.  
\- Sorry, fellas, but I don’t plan to become your meal.  
I’m so lucky they can’t climb trees. I sure hope they can’t learn to do so either…Another very terrifying thought. Suddenly, most of the titans forget about me and head in the opposite direction, towards the entrance of the forest. That can only mean one thing. 

***

\- A group of titans is approaching! Take them down!  
Erwin Smith’s voice reverberated around the forest. The titans fell one by one by the hands of the Scouts.  
\- Levi, take your squad and head towards the end of the forest as fast as you can. I’m afraid we won’t be able to catch up to Reiner and Bertolt, if we get delayed here for too long.  
\- Got it.  
Mikasa quickly approached the Commander.  
\- Sir, I want to join them as well.  
\- That’s not possible. You are one of the strongest members of the Survey Corps. I need you here.  
\- But, Sir…  
\- I understand your worries, but you will just have to trust Levi. Can you do that?  
\- Yes…yes, I can.  
\- Good, now we need to go. 

***

I carefully get up. I’m certain I heard his voice. Just a bit more and I’ll see him again…  
I notice someone else approach me, a group of them actually.

***

\- Captain Levi, there are a couple of titans around a tree up ahead, and there seems to be a human up there.  
Petra notified the Captain.  
\- Alright, Squad Levi, let’s get rid of them. 

***

No doubt about it, that’s definitely Captain Levi’s squad. I hold onto the tree just in case, while they kill the titans one by one. And then someone climbs it and lands next to me.  
\- Captain Levi!  
I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see him.  
\- Oi, Desi, what are you doing up here? Where’s Eren?  
\- He was…Reiner and Bertolt left me here, and they went on ahead with Eren. Reiner told me they are going to take him to their village, whatever that means.  
\- Tch, so troublesome. I’m glad you’re safe, at least. Erwin is on his way.  
And with that, Captain Levi leaves me and joins his squad on the way out of the forest. I luckily don’t have to wait much longer. 

***

\- Commander Smith, there is someone on one of the trees up ahead.  
A scout pointed out, and Erwin looked up, his gaze searching around. And then he saw her. He couldn’t believe his eyes.  
\- Desi…

***

\- Erwin…  
I can’t contain my happiness when the Commander hurries up to me. The happy tears are falling freely from my eyes. I want to hug him, I want to just sink in his strong arms, but this isn’t the appropriate time and place. For now I’ll settle for the loving look in his eyes.  
\- My little girl, you’re safe.  
\- Erwin, I missed you so much.  
\- So did I, my dear.  
He carefully takes a hold of my body, and we make it down the tree.  
\- You will ride together with me.  
\- But, Commander…  
\- It’s an order.  
I can’t help but smile.  
\- Yes, Sir.  
He helps me climb up, and positions himself behind me. Damn, this is embarrassing. The Commander turns to the Survey Corps, who await his orders.  
\- Alright, everyone. Let’s go get Eren back!  
\- Yes, Sir!  
When we start moving, the Commander whispers in my ear.  
_\- 'Once we go back inside the Walls, I will make sure to punish you properly for leaving my side.'_  
It’s a good thing he can’t see my face, because it grows hot, all the way up to my ears. I can feel the fast beating of his heart against my back. It fills my whole being with pure joy.  
_“Gosh, I’ve missed this man so much.”_

***

_“That damn old geezer, doing whatever he pleases in a situation like this”_ were just some of the thoughts going through Jean’s mind after he saw Desi again.  
_“Well, at least she’s safe.”_  
A smile of relief painted his features. 

***

\- Reiner, we need to hurry up, if we don’t want the Survey Corps to catch up to us.  
\- I know, I know, Bertolt, It’s not like I could do anything with all those trees in my way.  
They had reached the end of the forest, and in front of them laid a vast field.  
\- Perfect.  
Reiner changed to his titan form, and Bertolt jumped on his shoulder, Eren tied securely to his back. At one point Bertolt had gotten tired of Eren’s screams and shut him up by tying a piece of cloth around his mouth. The Armored Titan started running ahead in a quick pace.  
  
***  
\- Captain Levi!  
\- Yes, I saw it, too. Our targets have finally decided to make things more interesting. Let’s show them what we’re made of!  
\- YES, SIR!  
Captain Levi and his squad called for their horses, which followed after them obediently all the way through the forest, and prepared themselves for battle.


	27. Chapter 27

_“It’s Captain Levi!”_ was the first thought that ran through Eren’s mind, and his body instinctively stirred in its confines. This was also what caused Bertolt to look back, and study the reason for his sudden movement. Even from this distance he could still see it – the determination in Captain Levi’s sharp features. Bertolt didn’t need to admit the obvious – he was afraid of the Captain’s abilities. And that’s exactly why he immediately informed his friend. Inside the Armored Titan Reiner was debating with himself whether he should continue with their escape or stop and fight Captain Levi and the rest of his squad. Thanks to his hardened skin, none of them could even graze him.  
\- This could be fun.  
The Armored Titan stopped, and turned in the direction of the approaching scouts.  
\- Reiner, you can’t be thinking of fighting them!  
Bertolt protested, but he knew there was no way for him to persuade his friend otherwise. He just had to concentrate on holding as tight as possible to the Armored Titan’s body. 

***

\- Looks like the Armored Titan wants to play. I should demonstrate some of my best moves!  
Oruo was hoping to get a chance to show off to Petra and the Captain today, and that time came at last. He sped ahead with his horse.  
\- Wait, Oruo!  
Petra called after him, but he didn’t stop.  
_“What the hell is that idiot planning to do on his own?”_ Captain Levi thought.  
Oruo’s target was Eren, and he immediately went after Bertolt. He was able to avoid the Armored Titan’s giant fist by an inch, but when he went for Bertolt, the latter took out one of his blades and was able to push Oruo away. He started falling down. In this empty place he had nowhere to use his wire, other than the titan’s skin. In his fall he hooked himself up to the Armored Titan, in an attempt to avoid landing on the ground, but the moment he did he was grabbed and the titan brought him closer to his face.  
_“You fool”_ , Reiner thought.  
Crunch.  
Oruo’s body was crushed, and the Armored Titan let it slide out of his hand and fall on the ground.  
\- Oruo…  
Petra was watching with a shocked expression on her face.  
\- **How…dare you?!?** In her fury, she went after the Armored Titan.  
\- Petra, NO!  
Captain Levi called after her, but she didn’t listen. Unlike Oruo she was more agile, and was swiftly escaping the Armored Titan’s attempts to hit her, and when she finally saw her opening, she aimed for his neck. Petra quickly dived down, but to her horror her blades broke the second they came in contact with the hardened skin. In her confusion, she didn’t notice the Armored Titan’s hand, which grabbed her and threw her hard on the ground. She didn’t even have time to scream.  
\- Petra…  
Captain Levi stood there dumbfounded, his lips were half open, his eyes unfocused.  
\- Captain Levi! We must act quickly!  
Eld and Gunther made an attempt to pull Captain Levi out of his current state. When he heard the Armored Titan run towards them, Levi quickly snapped out of it, and called out to the two.  
\- Quickly! Split up!  
The three of them got out of the way just in time, and Captain Levi spoke up once more.  
\- You, two, distract the Armored Titan. I will get Eren back.  
\- Yes, Sir! 

****

***

\- Commander, I can see the Armored Titan.  
I point ahead, where the fight is ongoing. Since the Commander doesn’t answer me, I turn around. His impervious poker face is back, and he looks deadly serious.  
_“He’s probably in the middle of pondering over all the possibilities, and putting together a plan in his head.”_  
We aren’t close enough to see more in detail, but something catches my eyes. Actually two things – two bodies.  
\- Oh, no…they’re dead…  
I voice my thoughts, and it seems that causes a reaction in the Commander, because he shifts a bit in his spot.  
\- Listen to me, everyone.  
The Commander turns to the rest of the Survey Corps and the survivors from the Military Police.  
\- We need to aid Levi’s Squad as much as possible. Be very careful around the Armored Titan, and focus on stealing Eren away. We aren’t leaving, until he’s back with us! Give your best effort!  
\- Yes, Sir!  
We all answer as one, and I smile at the Commander reassuringly. Since there’s nothing more I can do without any of my gear, I can at least be there for him. To my surprise he smiles back, and I can read the silent gratitude in his blue eyes. I turn around, and my eyes follow the movements of the Armored Titan.  
_“Why do we have to fight…?”_ I can’t help but feel perplexed. 

***

Eld and Gunther did their best to distract the Armored Titan as much as possible, but that proved to be a highly difficult task. He wasn't very fast, but his strength compensated for that. Captain Levi desperately tried to find an opening, but every time he attempted to approach Bertolt and Eren, he needed to move back in order to avoid being crushed. He cursed out loud. 

***

\- Desi, hold the bridles, and stay as far away as possible.  
The Commander leaves me in control of the horse, and stands up on its back.  
\- Commander, what are you planning to do?  
But the second the question leaves my lips, he is already gone.  
**_“ERWIN!”_** I scream internally. There’s no way I will just stay still like this.  
\- Armin!  
I move back to Armin’s side.  
\- I need you to get me on the Armored Titan’s shoulder where Bertolt is.  
\- What?! But you have no gear.  
\- You just need to drop me there, trust me.  
Armin nods frantically.  
\- O-okay.  
\- I will need one of these.  
I take out one of his spare blades, and we both gallop towards our target.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter I wrote turned out to be way too long, so I split it in two.


	28. Chapter 28

The Armored Titan managed to land a hit on Gunther, which sent his body flying. Many of the scouts were riding around the Armored Titan on their horses, but most of them didn't dare approach him. Mikasa almost succeeded to free Eren, but was kicked down by Bertolt and Sasha captured her just in time. Eld also fell victim to the Armored Titan, and his bloody corpse flashed in slow motion in front of Captain Levi’s eyes.  
_“Oruo…Petra...Gunther…Eld…”_  
\- I will avenge you.  
A dangerous spark ignited in the Captain’s dark eyes, and he headed straight for the Armored Titan. Right at the same time Erwin attacked Bertolt. Firm resolve resonated from the Commander’s features, and Bertolt was caught by surprise. The Armored Titan turned his attention to them, but Captain Levi quickly changed that.  
\- Pay attention to me, you asshole!  
The Captain managed to find a spot on the Armored Titan’s legs which wasn’t covered in armor and slashed across it, which led to the Titan losing its balance for a bit. At that point Erwin managed to cut Eren’s confines, who as a result started falling down, but was quickly caught by Jean, who turned his horse around and rode as far away from the Armored Titan as possible.

***

\- Now it’s our turn, Armin!  
I hold on to him, and Armin uses his 3D maneuver gear to get us both closer to the Armored Titan, where he drops me on his shoulder. I take advantage of Bertolt’s panicked state from what just happened to quickly capture him in a tight grip, and press the blade I prepared against his throat. Sure, I had to stand on my toes, ‘cause he’s a damn giant, but I somehow managed. I shout at the top of my lungs.  
\- **REINER!**  
The Armored Titan’s head turns to me.  
\- I know you can hear me. I don’t want to do this, so don’t make me do it. Just...leave…  
My expression is a mixture between anger and sadness, and involuntary tears are gathering in my eyes.  
\- Please…Reiner…

***

From inside the Armored Titan Reiner is taken aback.  
_“What the hell is she doing? If even a drop of Bertolt’s blood is shed, he can turn into the Colossal Titan. Doesn’t she realize that??”_  
But then he saw her desperate tears, and his heart throbbed painfully in his chest.  
\- You know, don’t you? You are aware of all the risks, and you came with nothing but a blade, begging me to stop this. I could easily crush you…but you know I won’t, just like I couldn’t kill you.  
Reiner clenched his teeth in irritation. What he saw in her actions was the soldier he could never become. He was painfully aware of what he was about to do. 

***

I can feel the slight shaking of Bertolt’s body. Everyone’s gazes are on me. They are watching intently at the strange situation, unfolding before their eyes. After a moment that lasts painfully long, the Armored Titan nods with his head. I loosen my grip on Bertolt. To my surprise, the Armored Titan offers me his big hand, which I climb on hesitantly, and carefully places me down on the ground. I look up at him, not able to move my gaze.  
\- Thank you, Reiner.  
I utter the words, and watch after the Armored Titan‘s departure. I fall down on my knees. My body is trembling from all the tears rolling down my face.  
\- Desi!  
The Commander kneels in front of me. I can’t bear to look up at him. He wraps his arms around my shaking body and the sudden rush of warmth nearly suffocates me, since the battle of emotions inside of me makes it hard to breathe properly. Erwin starts to pet my hair, and whispers reassuring words in my ear.  
\- It’s alright now, my dear. Everything is alright.  
\- Y-yes – I half sniffle, half answer him.  
\- Let’s go home, Desi.  
I look up at him, and nod. He wipes some of my tears away, and offers me his hand. I take it, and he helps me climb up on his horse. We repeat the same position from before. Mikasa approaches us. She is actually smiling.  
\- I don’t know how to thank you, Desi.  
\- Me? I didn’t do much. Everyone is responsible for our success today.  
\- Even so, thanks to you, both of them left without Eren. I don’t know how you did it, but thank you.  
\- You’re welcome, I guess.  
If you only knew how guilty I feel for being completely useless, and for the very little support I could provide for Eren. 

***

So far everyone was quiet, but they soon started to cheer and exclaim happily. Everyone, but Captain Levi. He was staring at the corpses of his squad…no, his friends, in complete silence. He asked for help with carrying the bodies. They were loaded on a wagon, along with the rest who had lost their lives. Once that was done, it was time to head back. 

***

\- The threat is still not over. We have a long way to go. Don’t let your guard down, and be on the lookout for possible titan attacks. Once we exit the forest, we will go back to our previous formation to secure a safe journey back to the Walls. Let’s go back home!  
\- Yes, Sir!  
We make it out of the forest with very few titans in our way, and without any casualties. Everyone takes their appropriate places along the formation. My eyes start to close when I hear the Commander’s voice.  
\- Desi, what you did back there was very brave, but extremely foolish. And I even told you to stay away.  
Ah, the Commander wants to scold me.  
_“How cute”_ I think in my half-awake state.  
\- I am sorry…Erwin…  
I mumble quietly. On the brink of exhaustion and enveloped by the calming warmth from the Commander’s body, my eyes flutter close and I fall into a deep sleep. 

***

\- Don’t think a simple apology is enough. You ignored my words, and put yourself in danger. If something had happened to you…  
The Commander looked down, and noticed she was sleeping peacefully. It caused a smile on his face.  
\- You silly girl, what am I going to do with you?  
He wrapped her body with his cape, and pressed her gently against his chest, so she can be in a more comfortable position.  
\- Rest well, my dear. You did good today.


	29. Chapter 29

I can hear the galloping of horses. It’s a calming rhythmical sound, which attempts to lull me back to sleep, but I protest against it. I slowly open my eyes, and I am suddenly aware of another rhythmic sound – the beating of the Commander’s heart. This one tends to have the opposite effect on me.  
\- Commander?  
I rub my eyes.  
\- Ah, Desi, you’re awake. How did you sleep?  
\- It feels like I’ve slept for a whole year. How long was I out?  
\- About an hour.  
\- I think I will need a very long sleep in my bed once we’re back to Wall Rose.  
\- I presume you mean my bed, Desi. Don’t think you will get out of the punishment I promised you.  
\- That was never on my mind!  
I answer way too quickly, without even thinking. Wait, why was it never on my mind??  
\- Are you trying to imply that you’re looking forward to your punishment, my dear?  
I need a new subject, ASAP!  
\- It’s surprisingly calm out here. No titans on sight. Has it been like this ever since we left the forest?  
\- Mostly, yes.  
I guess the Commander gives up on the topic, at least for now.  
\- I was afraid we might stumble upon the abnormal titans that killed many of our scouts on the way here. Luckily, they are nowhere to be seen, and we will reach Wall Rose very soon.  
\- That’s good news. I apologize for falling asleep. I didn’t realize I was that tired.  
\- You have nothing to apologize for, my dear. Although, to be fair, I don’t really enjoy talking to myself.  
\- Ah, I’m very sorry about that!  
The Commander chuckles a bit.  
\- I am only teasing you, Desi.  
\- Of course you are.  
I say the last words in the gentlest way possible. Ahhh, I want to just stay like this forever, but sooner or later I will have to talk about the elephant in the room.  
\- Commander.  
\- Yes, Desi?  
\- What is going to happen to Reiner and Bertolt now?  
\- Hmm, I think you know that already. They will be considered traitors, and if we meet them again…No, whenever we meet them again, our main objective will be to capture them. If that’s impossible, we will just have to kill them.  
\- They are not…traitors…  
My words are barely above a whisper. The Commander takes a deep breath, and makes a long pause. I am perfectly aware I made him angry.  
\- Look, Desi, I know how you feel in this situation. I may not understand it, but I know. Even so, sooner or later you will have to face the facts. They may have been your friends, but they are also the ones responsible for all the horrors that befell humanity. And as such, they will be punished for their actions.  
All the emotions from earlier threaten to pour out of me.  
\- They had no choice!  
\- And how exactly do YOU know that, Desi?  
Well, now I’ve done it.  
\- I…don’t…I just…  
_“What am I even saying? I’m the one who sounds like a traitor right now.”_  
\- I said something stupid...I apologize, Commander…  
I can feel the racing of his heart beat. I must have made him very mad. What the hell am I even trying to achieve? I don’t have the slightest clue. All I know is that his silence is killing me.  
\- Commander?  
\- Just don’t, Desi. I can’t talk with you right now.  
It feels like a knife went through my heart. He has never spoken so coldly to me. Fuck, I’m a complete idiot. 

***

We reach Wall Rose in one piece, but right now I don’t really care. The Commander jumps down from his horse, without even looking at me. Instead, he turns to the Survey Corps.  
\- Good work today! You all fought bravely, and earned some well-deserved rest. Enjoy your evening.  
With that the Commander proceeds to leave and walks by me. But then he stops, and speaks up with his back turned to me.  
\- You, too. Rest well, you need it.  
\- Commander…  
I extend my arm his way, as if this simple movement can achieve anything, but quickly pull it back. I have no idea what to do or say in this situation. It’s almost like there’s a big wall between us right now, and I don’t have the strength to break it.  
\- Yes, Sir…  
The Commander walks away.  
\- Desi.  
Jean walks up to me.  
\- Is everything alright?  
_“Absolutely nothing is fine!”_ I think, but the words are stuck in my throat. Instead of answering him, I jump down from the horse and dash ahead, like a complete coward.  
\- Hey, Desi! Wait!  
_“I’m so sorry, Jean, I’m so sorry.”_  
But he catches up to me quickly.  
\- I said wait, damn it!  
He takes a hold of my arm.  
\- What happened?? Why are you running away?  
\- I… ruined everything…  
\- What the hell do you mean?  
The tears are dripping down my face, and onto the ground. How many more times am I going to cry today??  
\- Hey, hey, get a hold of yourself. Damn it, Shortie.  
Jean enfolds me in a gentle embrace.  
\- Whatever is troubling you, it’s going to be fine, alright? Please, don’t cry. I don’t know what to do when I see you crying.  
_“And yet, you are doing a perfect job.”_  
\- Come on, wipe those tears away and let’s join the others, okay? You might feel better.  
\- Alright.  
I agree, although I don’t really want to be around anyone right now. 

***

_“Is it possible Desi has a special connection with Reiner and Bertolt, or any other titan shifters we don’t know of? What if she’s one of them? That is possible, judging by the way she defended them in front of me. Why else would they leave her alive after kidnapping her? I doubt they had a change of heart. It would make a lot of sense for her to approach me of all people, if she has a hidden agenda.But what about the note she left me? Why would she reveal their identities, if she is on their side? It doesn’t add up.”_  
This was just a fragment of the thoughts going through Erwin Smith’s mind. He was torn apart between his feelings and his suspicions. In short, he had no clue what to feel. Luckily, in front of him stood a chance for distraction in the face of Levi, who appeared no less than troubled. Captain Levi was sitting alone, with his arms crossed and looked deep in thought.  
\- Levi.  
The shorter man looked at him.  
\- Erwin.  
No other words followed his name.  
\- I am sorry you had to lose your squad like this. I’m the one who sent you ahead, and I feel responsible for what happened…  
Levi looked up at him once more.  
\- What is this, Erwin? An intervention? I don’t want to hear this right now, so save your breath.  
\- Levi…it’s perfectly fine for you to mourn. It doesn’t make you weak or anything…  
\- **SHUT UP, WILL YOU?!**  
A thick cloud of silence followed Levi’s shout. The Captain stood up from his spot.  
\- Tch, no one asked for your opinion. Go play with your girlfriend, or something.  
And he walked away. The mission was successful, but the Commander felt completely defeated. The two people he cherishes the most are far from his reach. He turned his back to one of them, and the other one turned his back on him. It almost felt like karma.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo, today I decided to finally give the 2nd Attack on Titan game a try, since I've been playing the 1st one for a long time now. And to my complete surprise and horror, the way the story progresses in the very beginning has a couple of similarities with how my own story starts. It is safe to say that I was very upset, because it literally looks like I stole the idea. Regardless, I hope that won't affect my hard work so far.


	30. Chapter 30

As if everything else isn’t enough, Eren acts like I don’t exist at all. He blames me for not protesting against Reiner and Bertolt in any way, and abandoning him. He doesn’t say it, but I can see how he looks at me. In his eyes I betrayed him. I can’t deny it, because that’s exactly how I feel, and there is no one who can convince me otherwise. Jean has been keeping me constant company, in fear I might lose it again if left alone.  
\- Don’t worry about that brat, Desi. He’s always angry at someone.  
I envy how carefree Jean seems, but I doubt that’s really true.  
\- Jean, thank you for everything tonight, but I need to be alone now. I hope you can understand.  
\- Yeah…Sure, Shortie, just don’t worry yourself too much, alright?  
\- I’ll try.  
I wave to him, and make my way outside. I meet some of the other scouts on my way out. Am I imagining things, or they’re actually looking at me in a different way? I don’t know anymore, and I already have enough stuff on my mind.  
These late walks have become like a ritual to me. I’m not really good with crowds of people, I prefer this solitude. Probably why I hardly make friends.  
I sit down on my usual spot, and look at the crescent moon. I close my eyes, and lie down on the soft grass. This place holds a dear memory, but I do my best not to dwell on that. I try to clear my head, and allow the peacefulness of the night to relax me. 

***

\- I can’t concentrate.  
All of Erwin Smith’s attempts to get any work done turned out fruitless. In his irritation, he shoved some of the papers away from his desk, and they fell to the ground. His head hurt, and he just couldn’t remain in one place. He had to get rid of all of this frustration, to let it out somehow. Erwin got up from his chair, and walked to the window. He opened it to let some fresh air in, and looked outside. And that’s when he saw her – in her usual spot. Was this his goal all along? To see if she will come here again? Why would he even look for her? He was angry, furious even, and yet he wanted to believe, he wanted to trust her completely once more. Yesterday he was afraid of losing her, and now he couldn’t even bare to look at her. Why? Because she saw things differently, because she didn’t hate someone she should hate? Was that even a good reason? All of these confusing thoughts were making his headache even more unbearable. Right when he was about to move away from the window, she looked up in his direction, and their eyes met. 

***

I feel a weird sensation, like someone is watching me, so I open my eyes and that’s when I see him. There is no doubt about it – the Commander is looking my way. Ever since the first day his eyes have had their impact on me. They gave me hope, courage and warmth, and even right now they are still as beautiful as ever. I can’t look away. But soon I am forced to. A few drops of rain make their way down and on my face, which startles me and I get up. They are quickly joined by more, and soon it’s raining quite a lot. But I don’t move from my spot, and instead turn to the Commander once more. 

***

_“What is she thinking, sitting in the rain? She could easily get sick. That foolish girl.”_  
Erwin Smith hesitated for a second, but he wasn’t sure why. He knew perfectly well what he was about to do. It’s been like this ever since the beginning. He moved away from the window, walked out of his office, and paced quickly down the corridor. 

***

_“Ah, figures the Commander would walk away. He probably doesn’t even want to look at me right now.”_  
I ignore the strong pain in my chest, and after a bit I proceed to get up. After I do so, I see him come my way. I freeze in my spot.  
\- What are you trying to do, Desi? Have you gone crazy?  
\- I…  
\- Never mind that. Come.  
The Commander takes his jacket off, puts it over my wet clothes and grabs my hand in his. It’s so warm. I don’t protest in any way, and follow him inside. We remain silent the whole way to his bedroom. After we step inside, he offers me a towel.  
\- Dry yourself with this before you catch a cold.  
He is kind as usual, but horribly distant. I can’t take it anymore.  
\- Commander, please listen to what I have to say.  
\- Desi…  
\- Please…  
It’s a short pause, but my heart is going crazy.  
\- Alright then. I’m listening.  
\- Thank you…  
I take a deep breath.  
\- I know any apology would be pretty much useless at this point. I want to make something clear – I don’t have any relation with what happened to Wall Maria, and I am not an accomplice of Reiner and Bertolt. I know you probably thought that way. I may be many things, I may act foolish and stubborn, but there is one thing I will never do, and one person I can never betray. That person is you, Commander. Both my life as a soldier and my heart have always belonged to you. 

***

Even if Erwin Smith had his doubts before, at this very moment they ceased to exist. This was his beautiful girl, who was always so foolishly honest. He felt so silly for going this far. But most of all he felt relieved. And happy, yes, definitely happy. So he held her close, held her so tight like she could disappear from his sight at any moment.

***

\- Commander…  
Ah, I can’t. It hurts, and feels so good at the same time. The emotion is so strong, I can’t hold back from crying. My voice cracks and I let out everything I’ve been holding in. How many times has it been now? How many times have I fallen for him over, and over again? Somehow, it feels like I will keep doing so, until the day I cease to exist.  
\- My precious girl...I am so sorry…  
\- No…I’m the one who’s sorry…  
At one point I realize I’m not the only one crying. Curse this wonderful man. When both of us finally start to feel better, I look up at him.  
\- Erwin, your eyes…they’ve changed color. They seem to be a lighter shade of blue.  
\- Is that so? So have yours. They’re a much lighter green.  
\- Really? I see.  
For some reason this simple fact makes me smile, and I let out a quiet laugh.  
\- That’s much better. A smile suits you more.  
I blush a bit.  
\- This is the first time I’ve ever seen you cry, Commander.  
\- It seems like you are the only person, who can make me cry. I don’t think I’ve cried about anything since my father’s death. But I don’t want to talk about such things now.  
\- You’re right. I am sorry for bringing it up.  
\- Enough apologies, my dear. And your hair and clothes are still wet.  
\- So are yours, since you’ve been hugging me tightly.  
\- Ah, I guess so.  
A moment of silence hangs between us. I feel nervous, and I think the Commander does as well. I extend my hand and caress his cheek. He closes his eyes, and kisses the palm of my hand. A pleasant feeling travels all around my body. He looks at me once more. I bite my lips nervously, stand on my tip toes and attempt to kiss him, but it turns out I’m too short. So embarrassing. I try to hide my flushed face, but he takes hold of it instead, and pecks my lips gently. He then looks at me in a way that makes me weak in the knees, and I can’t help but voice my thoughts.  
\- Kiss me more, Erwin.  
\- My pleasure, Desi.  
Our lips are united in a gentle, but passionate dance. I wrap my arms around his neck and press my body even closer to his. It may be selfish of me, but I can’t lie to myself anymore. I can never give him to anyone else, or give him up for that matter.  
\- Erwin…No one else…No one but me can kiss you like this. I won’t allow it.  
The Commander looks really surprised by my words. But his surprise is quickly replaced by a satisfied smile.  
\- Turns out you are way more possessive than me, my dear.  
\- Is that…a problem?  
\- Not even a bit. I couldn’t be happier. There’s still one thing that’s missing though.  
\- Hmm? What is that?  
\- Your punishment. Tsk, tsk, you seem to constantly forget about it. Luckily, I have something appropriate for the occasion.  
Huh? The Commander leaves me dumbfounded, and heads for his dresser. He comes back to my side, holding a black tie.  
\- Umm, what is that for, Commander?  
\- Don’t tell me you have no idea?  
\- Not really.  
_“I actually do, but I am not saying that out loud!”_  
\- Well then, let me give you a clue. Show me your hands.  
I gulp hard, and hold both my hands in front of my body.  
\- Good girl.  
The Commander slides the tie under both of them, and ties them up together in a tight knot. Well, that’s it; I’m definitely going to have a heart attack.  
\- Are you scared, my dear?  
I shake my head.  
\- N-no.  
\- Then why are you trembling?  
\- Ah, well, maybe a little bit.  
\- There is nothing to be afraid of. Trust me.  
The Commander takes me in his arms, and carries me to his bed.


	31. Chapter 31

I am lying down on Commander Smith’s bed, both restless and incredibly turned on. He is taking his sweet time undressing himself, and his topless body is inviting me to touch it. When I try to move my hands, I am reminded of my restraints, and a slight annoyance takes over me.  
\- E r w i n!  
\- What is it, my dear?  
He smiles innocently.  
\- Hurry up – and then I remember my manners – Please.  
He smirks. The nerve!  
\- I see someone is impatient. Don’t forget this is a punishment, my dear. You aren’t supposed to enjoy it.  
And he winks at me…This damn man actually winked at me. Yes, it was incredibly cute, but very, very irritating at the same time. Alright then, I need a different strategy. I use the sweetest and sexiest voice I can manage, in an attempt to seduce the Commander.  
\- Erwin, please, don’t make me wait anymore.  
I move my bound hands to my pants and somehow manage to slide them down enough to expose my panties. I push the rest off with my legs and then spread them.  
\- I’m already like this down here, and I can’t take it any longer.  
I can see the Commander swallow hard. Then he shakes his head.  
\- You are such a disobedient girl, my dear. I see this punishment won’t be enough to discipline you.  
The Commander unties my hands.  
\- Huh? What…  
My attention is drawn by him removing his belt. This is apparently my new restraint, which he carefully bounds my hands with, so it doesn’t hurt too much. I still can’t quite grasp the essence of his actions. My confusion doesn’t last long when I suddenly feel the texture of the tie against my face, and my vision goes dark. I immediately start to panic.  
\- W-wait, Erwin, don’t! It’s scary!  
\- Don’t worry, my dear. Relax. I won’t hurt you.  
\- I know you won’t hurt me. But that doesn’t make it less scary!  
\- Shhh, just follow my voice.  
Easy for you to say, your voice is even more seductive like this. I try to control my breathing, and calm the speedy beating of my heart.  
\- Good girl. You are doing great.  
I can hear the Commander whisper in my right ear. But then he suddenly blows air in the left one, and runs his tongue along it. I moan lightly, and try to concentrate on his next action.  
\- Take a deep breath, my dear.  
I obediently do what he asks of me.  
\- That’s a very good girl. You will get a reward.  
The Commander kisses me gently at first, but gradually slides his tongue in my mouth and wraps it around my own. The kiss is hot and wet from our saliva, and I have to swallow a couple of times.  
\- Your taste is as sweet as always, Desi.  
_“How long are you going to play this game, Erwin?”_ I think to myself. A thought makes its way in my mind.  
\- Erwin, I need to tell you something.  
\- Hm? What is that, my dear?  
\- I want to whisper it in your ear.  
\- Alright.  
He moves his ear next to my lips, and I put my plan in motion.  
\- I have been a very naughty girl, Erwin. Ever since the last time we were together, I’ve been thinking how good it feels to have you inside of me.  
I have no idea if my words have any impact on the Commander, but I can feel his hot breath against my neck. So I bite his ear gently. He suddenly moves away.  
\- What are you trying to achieve, my dear? Seduce me? You don’t need to go that far, I already crave for you.  
\- In that case, please don’t tease me this much. I already desire you more than you can imagine.  
\- It’s very hard to resist you, Desi, especially when you beg me like this. Alright then, since you’ve been a very good girl so far, I will make an exception.  
Ah, even bounded like this, I am still as excited as I was the first time. The Commander proceeds to finally remove the rest of my clothes.  
\- So you were telling the truth.  
\- About what?  
\- You really are ready for me. See how excited you are down here?  
The Commander suddenly slides a finger inside of me, and I let out a surprised moan. The first finger is gradually followed by two more. He moves them slowly at first, before settling for a quicker motion. I enjoy the feeling, but I hunger for him. The Commander catches me by surprise when he bends his fingers upwards and fondles a spot that literally makes me lose my mind. I know that strong feeling from last time, but I didn’t expect it yet. He repeats the same motion countless times. I fear the intensity of the feeling will drive me crazy.  
\- Ah! P-please, Erwin…I want you.  
I somehow manage to find his lips, and catch them in a hungry kiss. Not bad for someone, who can’t see what they’re doing.  
\- I want you to feel good as well. So please, Erwin, just put it in.  
\- God, Desi, you can be so seductive.  
The Commander sounds just as impatient as me. I can hear the rustling of his pants, and in no time he lifts my legs up and enters me carefully. I bite my lips to stifle a moan. It feels so good to once again be connected with the Commander like this. My body quivers in surprise when he whispers in my ear.  
\- Tell me what you want, Desi.  
His request makes my heart race.  
\- I…I want you to move, I want to feel good like last time.  
\- Like this?  
The Commander moves painfully slow, and I am fairly certain it’s on purpose.  
\- No, not so slow, Erwin.  
\- You didn’t specify the pace, my dear.  
\- Don’t tease me, Erwin!  
\- I’m not sure I know what you mean, Desi.  
\- God damn it, Erwin, make me scream! Is that specific enough?  
The Commander lets out a low laugh.  
\- It’s perfect.  
I get what I wished for. And I get it good, as Erwin’s carefully timed movements quickly awaken waves of pleasure from deep inside of me.  
\- Mmm, Ah, Erwin, it feels good!  
The Commander sets my body on its side, and positions himself behind me, without breaking our connection.  
\- Raise your leg, my dear.  
\- Y-yes.  
When I do so, he holds my leg up in this position, and resumes his quick movements. Damn, this angle feels good as well.  
\- Do you like it, Desi?  
\- Yes, it feels great.  
\- Good.  
He places kisses all along my neck. I want to look at him; I want to look in his blue eyes so much.  
\- Erwin.  
\- Yes, my dear?  
\- Please, remove the tie. I want to be able to see your face.  
I expect of the Commander to decline my request, but to my surprise he loosens the tie. It takes me a bit to focus my eyes properly.  
\- Thank you, Erwin.  
I turn my head around, and kiss him.  
\- Did you miss my face that much?  
\- Do you even need to ask?  
The Commander smirks.  
\- No, I guess not.  
We resume our kisses, swallowing each other’s moans. The Commander moves his other hand below my belly, and strokes the pink bundle of nerves between my legs. The combined pleasure takes me by surprise.  
\- Ah, Erwin, that is too much!  
\- Are you close, my dear?  
\- Yes…I think so…I don’t know!  
\- Haha, I’ll take that as a “Yes”.  
\- Erwin…Erwin…it feels good…don’t stop.  
I can guess by the Commander’s breathing and impatient movements that he’s also close. In a matter of seconds I melt in pleasure, and moan loudly as I reach my high. The Commander follows right after me, pulling out and groaning in pleasure. Both of us struggle to catch our breath. The Commander hugs me from behind.  
\- I’m afraid I might get addicted to this, Desi.  
\- The feeling is mutual, Erwin. But, can you please free my hands. They really hurt.  
The Commander quickly removes the belt and caresses my hands, covering them in loving kisses.  
\- Forgive me, my dear, I completely forgot.  
\- It’s alright. But I wouldn’t want to be in the same position any time sooner. I prefer to be able to touch you.  
I run a hand through his hair.  
\- I love your blonde hair.  
\- Is that so?  
\- Yes, it’s very beautiful. Just like you.  
\- You flatter me, Desi.  
The Commander takes my hand in his.  
\- Come on.  
\- Hm?  
\- Let’s go wash up. It’s getting late and we need to rest. I haven’t slept since you got kidnapped.  
\- What do you mean you haven’t slept?? Why didn’t you tell me earlier? And we even did all of this. How did you have the energy?  
\- I may be an old man, my dear, but I can handle this much.  
\- You know that’s not what I meant! And you are not old.  
\- I’m glad you think so.  
A bit later we are lying together in bed. I kiss the Commander and position my head on his chest.  
\- Good night, Erwin.  
\- Good night, Desi.  
He wraps an arm around my body and kisses my forehead. I close my eyes, and listen to the steady beating of his heart, which quickly pulls me into a deep sleep. 

***

Once Erwin noticed she’s fast asleep, he smiled to himself.  
\- You can’t imagine how happy I am that you’re safe and sound in my arms, my dear girl.  
He closed his eyes, and followed her example.


	32. Chapter 32

> __
> 
> _\- Reiner, Bertolt, wait!_  
>  _I chase after the two of them, but they’re running too fast. No, I can’t let them leave on their own. I need to get them back! But just as I finally reach them, a Titan comes in my way, the ground shaking beneath its legs. My body is thrown back, and hits the ground. When I look up, I see her – The Female Titan. She grabs me, and when I’m on level with her face, she opens her mouth…and speaks to me:_  
>  _\- Give up! You can never get them back!_  
>  _\- Let me go! You stole them away from me! It’s your fault! I will never forgive you!_  
>  _Upon my words, the titan’s face alters into someone I know very well – the person inside the Female Titan._  
>  _\- Oh, really, and what are you gonna do about it?_  
>  _\- You will get what’s coming to you! I promise you!_

  
That’s when I wake up. My heartbeat is unbearably fast, and my body feels sweaty.  
 _“What the hell was that dream?”_  
I hold my head – another damn headache. I can’t remember the last time I slept peacefully. Nightmares keep chasing after me. I wonder if it’s the same for everyone who goes against titans. I look on my side – the Commander is sleeping peacefully. I smile a bit. At least I didn’t wake him up. I run my fingers along his hair gently, so as not to wake him, and study his sleeping face.  
 _“Oh, he’ll need to shave soon.”_  
I chuckle lightly. These small details are so endearing. He looks so defenseless like this. I like this part of him as well. I do my best to memorize the image of his sleeping form in my mind. If only I can wake up next to him like this every single morning...But I’m afraid that’s not possible. I carefully get up, and walk to the window. It’s still a bit dark outside. I open the window, and take a deep breath. It’s a little chilly this early in the morning, but I don’t mind. I sit on the window sill, and close my eyes. I need to put my thoughts in order. I’m afraid we’ll need to endanger ourselves once more today, after I inform the Commander of my acquired knowledge. I guess it can’t be helped.  
\- My world has been turned around so many times already. Will it ever get any easier than this?

***

Erwin Smith felt someone’s touch, but didn’t show any signs of waking up. It is only after he no longer sensed her presence in bed that he slowly opened his eyes, and saw her.  
_“Maybe she couldn’t sleep, or perhaps had another bad dream. Sigh, she sure has a lot of nightmares. Not like I’m one to talk.”_  
Erwin got up from bed and walked towards her. 

***

\- Oh, Commander. Did I wake you?  
I turn around upon hearing his steps.  
\- No, it’s alright, Desi. And stop already with “Commander”.  
\- Ah, I didn’t even realize it. I guess that’s my first reaction when I see you. I’m used to your title. Forgive me, Erwin, I’ll try harder.  
\- I will let it slide this time.  
The Commander holds my face carefully like he’s studying it, and steals a brisk kiss. He looks deep in my eyes.  
\- Why are you up so early, my dear?  
\- Ah, well, I had a nightmare.  
\- Yes, I figured that much. Are you alright?  
\- Hmm? Yes, yes, I am. Do I not look okay?  
\- More like you’re deep in thought.  
Stop reading through me like a book, Erwin.  
\- I can’t keep anything a secret from you, can I?  
\- Are you trying to hide something from me, Desi?  
\- Not really. Even if I do, I am afraid you will see through it in no time, so no use trying.  
\- That’s because your eyes are too honest, my dear. That’s just your nature, and I wouldn’t change it.  
The Commander lays gentle kisses one by one on both my eyes. Afterwards, he lifts my body off of the window sill, and carries me back to bed.  
\- Erwin, what are you up to?  
\- Don’t play innocent, my dear. You know exactly what I’m doing.  
He drops me gently on the sheets, and proceeds to charm me with kisses. Damn, this man is insatiable. I let myself be enchanted for just a bit, before I protest against his caresses.  
\- W-wait, Erwin! We can’t do this right now.  
\- I beg to differ, my dear.  
When I feel his obvious erection brush against my leg, I act fast.  
\- But there’s something important I must tell you!  
\- It can wait.  
\- It can’t wait! It’s about the Female Titan!  
\- What?  
That seems to finally do the trick. I escape from his grasp, and sit on the bed.  
\- What about the Female Titan?  
\- Well, it’s very possible I know her true identity. You see, while we were fighting against her, she used a very peculiar fighting style – one you don’t see every day. Because of the whole commotion, at first I couldn’t really recall where I’ve seen it before. But then I had a lot of time to think while I was taken away. If my suspicions are correct, she’s a member of the Military Police.  
\- But the equipment of all members of the Military Police and Garrison was already checked, and none of them used it during the attack.  
I think for a moment.  
\- What if that person didn’t use their original equipment? And since all members of the Military Police and Garrison are outside of suspicion, the only other equipment she could have used is…  
\- From a soldier that died during battle.  
\- Exactly. Many lose their gear and since it’s never collected, it’s very easy to be stolen by someone who discovered the body first.  
The Commander holds my shoulders firmly, and the look in his eyes is beyond serious.  
\- Desi, who is the Female Titan?  
I take a deep breath, and her face from the dream appears in my mind once more.  
\- Annie Leonhart, Commander. The Female Titan is Annie Leonhart.  
\- Are you absolutely sure it’s her?  
\- All clues point to her. I am almost certain she wasn't at the Military Police headquarters the night of the attack, and we can easily ask around and find that out. Not to mention she appears to be a very close friend of Reiner and Bertolt, even if all of them tried very hard to cover that fact. People talk, and people notice things. Hiding something like this while training together daily is close to impossible. I wasn’t the only subject of rumors among the cadets, you know.  
\- Rumors?  
\- Ahh, that’s not important right now.  
\- Yes, you’re right. We must take action against her. In the worst case scenario, she is innocent and we will at least learn that much.  
\- But, Erwin, won’t that have bad consequences for you?  
\- It’s a necessary risk.  
\- No, I disagree. Even if she is the Female Titan, she can always choose not to show her true nature, in order to fool us. Titan shifters can change to titans by will; it’s not something necessary for them. Think about it. Reiner and Bertolt have been hiding this from us for years, and Eren didn’t even know he possessed the power, until he was faced with a life and death situation. In my opinion it’s much better to fool her into believing she has no other choice. If you ask me, we have the perfect scenario for the case.  
\- Hmmm, I think I can tell what you’re thinking about, my dear. Come on, we need to go meet up with Hanji and Levi, and discuss our plan.  
\- Yes!  
We quickly get dressed.  
\- One thing before we go.  
\- Yes?  
Erwin grabs me in a tight embrace. It’s hard to breathe.  
\- Once we put our plan in motion, don’t you dare disappear from my side again.  
\- I understand.  
\- Promise me, Desi.  
\- I can’t make such promises.  
Erwin suddenly looks at me in a very dangerous way, like he’s debating with himself whether I should be locked up. I remember his previous words and last night, and gulp hard.  
\- I promise!  
His features soften.  
\- That’s better. Make sure not to break that promise.  
\- Y-yes, Erwin.


	33. Chapter 33

\- Oi, oi, Erwin, what’s the big idea? Do you know how early it is?  
The Commander called Hanji-san and Captain Levi to join us for an urgent meeting.  
\- I apologize, Levi, but the earlier we address this issue, the better.  
Hanji-san yawns.  
\- What is this issue you’re talking about, Erwin?  
\- I will tell you shortly. Desi…  
At the same time I turn to everyone.  
\- Would you like me to make you coffee? Oh, and tea for you, Captain?  
And then I realize I’ve interrupted the Commander.  
\- Ah, excuse me, Commander! What were you about to say?  
\- Actually, I was about to request the same.  
He smiles at me.  
\- Really?  
I laugh nervously. Hanji-san looks at both of us, and turns to the Captain.  
\- Hey, Levi, am I missing something?  
The Captain ignores Hanji-san, and answers me instead.  
\- Tea for me, Desi, thank you.  
\- Hey, Hey, Levi, don’t ignore me!  
\- Shut up, shitty four-eyes. I don’t plan to deal with you this early in the morning.  
\- Umm…  
I stand there, waiting for their spat to be over.  
\- Coffee for me and Hanji, Desi.  
\- Ah, yes, I’ll be right back, Commander.  
I am grateful for the chance to leave the room for now. Once I come back, it seems like the situation has calmed down. I hand everyone their drinks, and place my own cup of coffee on the table. I sit down next to the Commander.  
\- Desi, while you were away, I explained the situation to Levi and Hanji.  
\- Ah, in that case they already know everything I know.  
\- Not exactly.  
\- What do you mean, Commander?  
\- We still don’t know all the details around your kidnapping, and more precisely what happened in the Forest with giant trees before we made our way there.  
\- Is that important, Commander?  
\- Yes, of course.  
\- Ah…well.  
\- Don’t spare any details, Desi.  
\- Yes, of course, Commander. There isn’t much to tell though. According to Reiner, they kidnapped me because I was a threat to them, since I was on my way to find out their secrets. You know all about my theories.  
\- Yes, because of the note you wrote me, which brings me to another question. I’ve been curious. How were you able to predict everything with such precision, including your kidnapping?  
\- Oh, it was just a shot in the dark. If I may say so, Sir, you are not the only one who gambles.  
\- Great, like we needed a second Erwin. - Captain Levi speaks up, and takes a sip from his tea. - This is actually good. Who taught you how to make tea, Desi?  
\- Oh, that would be…my mother…Jean’s mother…Actually, I don’t know.  
\- You don’t know?  
I quickly change the subject.  
\- Aaanyway, I am glad you like it, Captain. As I was saying, that’s what they told me. There is something I have been pondering about. Reiner mentioned they need Eren’s power, and they took him away to bring him to their village. But according to what I know, and what both Reiner and Bertolt have been telling all of us, their village is in the territory of Wall Maria. It won’t make any sense to bring Eren to a place where at this moment in time Titans run free. And it also doesn’t make any sense for them as the Colossal and Armored Titan to destroy Wall Maria’s gate and bring ruin to humanity, along with their own home. If I follow this logic, there is only one conclusion I am faced with – Reiner and Bertolt are not from inside the Walls.  
\- But, that’s impossible. We are the only humans left.  
\- At least that’s what we’ve been told, Hanji-san. But I believe otherwise. Actually, I stand behind the theories of Commander Smith’s father.  
I turn to look at the Commander.  
\- Call me crazy, but I also believe there is a world outside of the one we know, and there are more humans out there.  
\- Oi, Desi, that’s way too many theories now.  
\- Ah, yes, I apologize, Captain. Let me get back on the subject. Reiner and Bertolt’s original idea was to get rid of me, to kill me. But they decided against it, and if Reiner hadn’t left me in the forest, I might have had a chance to see that village for myself. The reason why I believe they are not…traitors is because they told me they have their own mission they need to complete as warriors.  
\- Warriors?  
\- I don’t know what it means either. They refused to answer my question. There is so much we still don’t know. I am having a hard time deciding who is good and who is bad in the whole situation, and why humans are faced against other humans. It’s like we’re in the middle of a war, and we don’t even realize it. And to make matters worse, it’s a war between humans, and titans only play a secondary role.  
\- That’s more than enough, Desi.  
\- I apologize, Commander. I went too far…  
I bite my lips nervously.  
\- You sure have some wild imagination.  
Captain Levi looks skeptical. Well, of course he does, even I find my own theories hard to believe. Unlike him, Hanji-san actually looks like she’s in deep thought. Captain Levi notices that.  
\- Oi, don’t tell me you actually believe all of this.  
\- I agree it’s very hard to believe, but it does sound logical, and so far Desi has been on the right track. It’s always necessary to have an open mind, and be prepared for anything.  
\- Hanji-san…  
At least someone is prepared to stand behind my words. Captain Levi interrupts my thoughts.  
\- Alright, no more walking through Desi’s imagination. Let’s go back to the main reason we gathered here. Erwin, what is your plan for the Female Titan?  
\- It’s simple, Levi. I’ve thought about it, but I wasn’t sure what approach we can use for Annie Leonhart, which is exactly why I asked Desi to tell us a bit more about her experience with Reiner and Bertolt. During the expedition I told everyone we need to hide the details of what happened, until told otherwise.  
\- Yes, I remember.  
\- Back then, I was thinking about the possible traitor in Wall Rose. I didn’t want any helpful information to get to that person.  
\- Why were you so certain they didn’t join us on the expedition, since we also had members of the Military Police with us?  
\- I didn’t think they would make another move so soon, and risk being exposed.  
\- So, just another gamble.  
\- Yes. At this point Annie Leonhart doesn’t have any information about Reiner and Bertolt. My plan is to use this chance, and make her believe we hold them as hostages. We need her to make a desperate decision and show her true identity.  
I interrupt the Commander.  
\- But, Comamnder, if this does work and Annie Leonhart turns into the Female Titan, everyone in Wall Rose will be put to danger once again.  
\- That’s why we will capture her on the spot, and Hanji is exactly the person I need for this.  
\- Huh?  
Hanj-san looks confused at first, like she heard something completely unexpected, but then I see a huge smile form on her face. Oh, boy.  
\- Really, Erwin??? You are not playing around with my feelings, are you?!? An actual titan capture mission at last!!  
\- Hanji-san…you are spilling your coffee. - I point out to her.  
\- Oh, dear! I’m so sorry.  
\- Tch, such ill manners.  
\- Yes, that’s right, Hanji, but this time I will need you to device something efficient to capture a Titan of her size. The first time we went against her, we weren’t prepared and the plan to cut her limbs and capture her was a complete failure.  
Hanji-san thinks for a bit.  
\- I think I know just what we need! I will go work on it right away!  
Before any of us can say anything, Hanji-san is already out of the door. I am the first to speak up.  
\- Hehe, she sure is lively.  
\- If by lively you mean a complete nut job, sure.  
\- You are too hard on her, Captain Levi.  
\- If that’s what you think.  
I turn to the Commander.  
\- I understand the idea of the plan, but how will we make Annie believe the lie about Reiner and Bertolt?  
\- That’s easy, my dear.  
I look at the Commander in a way, which basically says _“Not in front of the Captain!”_  
\- You don’t need to stare at Erwin like that, Desi. I already know about you two, remember.  
\- Ah, yes, but it still feels weird.  
\- Tch, it sure is, but it’s not like I can stop you two. Continue, Erwin.  
\- Yes, thank you, Levi. As I was saying, we will organize a special mission in which a group of the Survey Corps will work together with the Military Police Brigade. We will use that chance to spread the rumors about Reiner and Bertolt, and make sure Annie Leonhart hears about it. That way she won’t be suspicious. Desi, you will be part of that group. You and a couple more from the former 104th trainee squad. I need people Annie Leonhart was close with.  
\- But, Commander, won’t that make her even more suspicious?  
\- I don’t think so. We will use the former connection between all of you as an excuse to make you work together.  
\- Alright, if that’s what you want me to do, Commander, I will stand behind your plan.  
\- Good. About your role in this plan, Levi…  
\- Let me guess, I will have to babysit the brats on their mission, and be on a lookout for a possible attack from the Female Titan.  
\- Exactly.  
\- So troublesome. Fine, I will do it. If we’re done here, I will go take a rest until it’s actually morning.  
\- Alright, Levi.  
Captain Levi gets up and leaves the room, but I suddenly remember something and turn to the Commander.  
\- I will be right back.  
I follow the Captain outside.  
\- Captain Levi.  
\- Tch, what is it now?  
\- Well, ummm, there is something I wanted to ask of you.  
\- Make it quick.  
\- Captain…well…are you okay? You know, after what happened in the forest…I mean, I don’t want to be a nuisance, I am just…worried about you, that’s all.  
\- Worried about me?  
\- Yes…I know you’re strong and I trust you will be fine, but…I also know that you can’t always withstand everything alone. My point is…I know you probably don’t like or trust me much, but…if you ever need someone to listen, you can count on me. That is the least I can do for you.  
\- Are you done?  
\- Yes…Yes, I am.  
Captain Levi proceeds to leave, but then stops and turns to me once more.  
\- I will keep that in mind.  
\- R-Really?  
A happy smile forms on my lips.  
\- Just don’t get overexcited, it’s annoying.  
\- No, no, I won’t!  
\- Good.  
The Captain leaves me alone in my spot. He did tell me not to get happy about it, but I can’t help it. When the Commander sees the smile on my face, he of course asks me about it.  
\- What happened, Desi?  
\- Ah, nothing much. I just feel like smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "How were you able to predict everything with such precision, including your kidnapping?" - That's simple, my dear Erwin, I am the author of the story ;D


	34. Chapter 34

I'm on my way to the Scouts’ Headquarters, where I am to speak with Eren, Mikasa, Jean, Armin, Sasha and Connie. We are the assigned team for the secret mission to uncover Annie’s true identity. Our task is to make sure she doesn’t suspect anything, and provoke her to make a move. Right now Hanji-san is working on positioning her new invention in hidden places throughout the territory of Wall Rose. In case something goes wrong with either our plan, or Hanji’s trap, Eren will work as plan B and transform into a titan. If that also fails, since last time he couldn’t stand a chance against the Female Titan, Captain Levi and Mikasa will be prepared to fight against her. The Commander asked me to be very careful, but there is no way I’m staying on the sidelines. I respect his opinion, but I’m a soldier and will be ready to fight when a need for that occurs. And I am more than certain it will.  
\- Good morning, everyone.  
\- Morning, Desi.  
I join them for breakfast, and explain the whole plan while we eat. Eren still behaves coldly. Unlucky for him, he currently has no other choice, but to listen to me carefully. We will have to work together on this mission, whether he likes it or not. He has been silent so far, but it looks like something is bugging him, so he finally speaks up.  
\- How can you be so certain Annie is the Female Titan?  
\- I am not 100 % sure it’s her, but all clues point to…  
\- And we are supposed to just take your word for it?!?  
\- Eren, there is no need to get angry…  
\- On the contrary! You’ve been behaving strangely ever since we got kidnapped. I wouldn’t be surprised if you turned out to be…  
\- **I dare you to finish that sentence!!**  
But he doesn’t say a word. I bet he didn’t expect me to respond like this. I get up from my spot.  
\- What’s wrong, Eren?? I thought you were angry. Tell me, what am I? A traitor? An enemy of humanity? Or maybe I’m just another titan-shifter, who plans to trick you for my own selfish desires??  
\- Hey, hey, Desi, calm down.  
\- I can’t do that, Jean. If Eren wants to deal with this issue now, let’s do it. Let’s get it over with, and focus on what’s more important, because I am getting very tired of his attitude! Eren, you think everything can be solved by screaming in each other’s faces? I suggest you learn basic human manners first!  
Everyone is quiet, and doesn’t dare say a thing. I sit back down.  
\- Can we please continue with the plan for our mission now?  
\- Sure, Desi.  
Armin is the one who answers me. The mood shifted greatly. Just “perfect”.  
\- Excuse me for a bit, I need some fresh air.  
I proceed to stand up.  
\- Don’t follow me, Jean. - I stop him in his tracks.  
\- …Fine.

***

After Desi left the room, Jean immediately began to scold Eren.  
\- Are you out of your damn mind?? You do realize she saved your ass, don’t you?  
\- What the hell do you mean??  
\- First of all, she’s the one who found out the true identities of Reiner and Bertolt and while most of us might have ended up confused and unable to do anything, she immediately found a way to report it to the Commander. Second of all – she is the one who risked her life to convince Reiner and Bertolt to leave without you. Doesn’t matter how you behaved, she always tried to help you. That’s what she does all the time – she goes around and helps whoever she can. She almost died because of you in Trost District, but did she ever hold you responsible? No, she was happy the mission was successful. That’s who she is, and that’s how she does things. So, instead of being a huge asshole, maybe you can at least show some gratitude.  
\- But...she still treated Reiner and Bertolt like friends, even after she learned the truth…  
\- Of course she would! All of us, we were together for a long time, and she was especially close to the two of them. How would you feel if, for example, Mikasa and Armin turn out to be enemies of humanity? Wouldn’t you defend them?  
\- But that’s different!  
\- And why the hell is that different?!?  
\- Because…  
\- You are doing the same with Annie, you know.  
\- Huh?  
\- When Desi first mentioned that Annie might be the Female Titan, I saw the shock in your eyes. You don’t want to believe it, and if it’s true, you probably will refuse to fight against her, won’t you? In this situation you and Desi are very alike, so either live with it or learn to live with it. I, for one, am very tired of you behaving like a child.  
Eren scoffed in irritation, but there was nothing he could say against Jean’s words.  
\- Guys, I don’t think we should fight this much. We are not getting anywhere.  
\- I’m sorry, Armin, but these issues need to be addressed once and for all, so we can move on from them, and do good when duty calls for it.  
\- Yes, you’re right, Jean.  
\- Eren, are you alright?  
He ignored Mikasa’s question, his mind too occupied with different thoughts.  
\- Soooo, who’s still hungry?? I know I am!  
Everyone looked at Sasha like she wasn’t right in the head.  
\- What?? It’s always a good time to eat delicious food!  
\- We just finished breakfast! How is it that you’re still hungry? - Connie asked Sasha.  
\- I simply enjoy delicious food, and like to talk about it. I don't think that's something bad!  
\- Whatever you say.  
Connie shook his head.  
\- Maybe, if you take my example and eat a bit more, you might grow taller!  
\- What is that supposed to mean, Sasha??  
\- Not you guys as well…  
Armin sighed. Right when they needed to be united as one, the biggest arguments had to occur.


	35. Chapter 35

\- **YOU FOOLS!** All these years you spent inside the Walls under cover, and for what? To be foolishly exposed, and run away from a fight!  
\- I apologize, Chief.  
\- Your apologies won’t fix a thing! The only reason I haven’t killed you on the spot is because replacing you and training someone all over again will be a hassle. But don’t think you’ll get off easy! What about you? Nothing to say?  
\- It’s…my fault, Chief.  
\- Do you think I care whose fault it is?! I want results! The people inside the Walls need to be annihilated at all costs. But since you’re both incompetent, I will have to take matters into my own hands. Prepare for a journey back.  
\- Yes, Chief. 

***

\- Oi, Desi, what are you doing out here alone?  
\- Captain Levi! I apologize, I didn’t hear you approach.  
\- How do you expect to fight on the battlefield, when you don’t even sense your enemy?  
\- Ah, you’re right...I will try harder...  
\- Tch, what’s the matter with you anyway? Aren’t you supposed to be discussing the plan with the other brats?  
\- I did…but there were some issues…and we ended up at each other’s throats…  
I move my gaze down, and away from the Captain.  
\- Let me guess – Eren Yaeger. He’s an idiot, no doubt about it, but why do YOU look so down? You should be in there kicking some brains into him.  
A weak smile makes its way on my lips.  
\- I guess so, but I don’t like to use violence.  
\- Yeah, I know, and it’s annoying. Maybe that’s why Erwin likes you.  
\- Maybe.  
\- Sigh, listen to me. You are a soldier, a good one. I think you can accomplish a lot, but while you’re at it, you need to earn the respect of people around you. And you won’t do that by sitting out here alone.  
\- Captain Levi…are you…trying to comfort me?  
\- Where did you get that idea from?! It’s highly unpleasant to deal with the issues of a bunch of brats all the time, so make sure I don’t have to do this again.  
\- Yes, Sir! And…Thank you, Sir!  
I smile at the Captain, and head inside. 

***

Desi's back was turned to him, therefore she couldn't see Levi smiling back.  
\- Silly kid.

***

\- What is this all of a sudden, Erwin? A joined mission between the Survey Corps and the Military Police?  
Nile Dok was quite surprised, but he also knew Erwin Smith too well, and was highly suspicious of the reason behind his request.  
\- Don’t look at me like that, my friend. It hurts me to see how little trust you have in me.  
\- Pff, don’t make me laugh. Who the hell would believe that with the smirk on your face?  
Erwin Smith only laughed in amusement at Nile Dok’s comment.  
\- Seriously, Erwin, what’s going on? You are plotting something again, aren’t you?  
\- There is nothing going on. I just figured it would be good training exercise for both parties, that’s all.  
\- You are a terrible liar, you know that? Careful what you do, otherwise it might get you into big trouble.  
\- Don’t worry about me. As long as everything goes according to plan, my absence won’t change a thing.  
\- Whatever makes you sleep better at night.  
Nile Dok thought for a bit.  
\- Alright, I will lend you some of my officers.  
\- Thank you, my friend. I do have one request, though.  
\- And what would that be?  
\- The ones we borrowed from you during our expedition outside the wall have had enough for a while. I don’t want to put too much pressure on them, so it will be nice to see some new faces.  
\- Uh-huh, is that all?  
\- Annie Leonhart needs to be among those officers. 

***

\- Is everyone prepared to leave?  
\- Yes, Sir.  
\- How about you?  
Captain Levi turns to the members of the Military Police.  
\- We’re ready.  
\- Good. Let’s head out.  
I look at Annie and attempt something like a smile, but she just ignores me. Typical Annie. We never really liked each other anyway.  
_“Don’t worry, Annie, after this mission you will like me even less.”_  
We all follow after the Captain. Our pretend mission is all about setting up supply bases around Wall Rose, in case of a future emergency breach in the wall. It’s actually a very important task, and we will do our best, while also keeping an eye on Annie, and moving towards our main goal. If we can finally capture a titan shifter, there are many things we can learn, and we need this knowledge to aid humanity. No, no Ifs. We **HAVE** to capture her, at all costs. I believe we can do it. 

***

We are scattered throughout Karanes District. We have our 3D maneuver gear on, just in case. Besides, it makes moving around much easier and faster. Even our best horses can’t always provide the necessary speed. I’ve finished setting up a base, so I scout around for the others. I see Armin setting up one himself, and decide to join him.  
\- Hey, Armin.  
I wave to him, and move closer.  
\- Oh, hey, Desi. Do you need something?  
\- Ah, no, I just came to help you.  
\- That would be great! Thank you.  
\- No worries.  
While assisting him, I lean a bit closer, so no one else can hear.  
\- _“How is the situation?”_  
\- _“So far everything is going according to plan. She doesn’t seem to suspect anything, but we can’t be too careful. Sasha and Connie have volunteered to spread the rumor around.”_  
\- _“Ah, that actually sounds perfect. Out of all of us, I think they will look the least suspicious.”_  
\- _“Yes, I think the same way.”_  
I go back to speaking normally.  
\- You look quite nervous, are you feeling alright?  
\- Ah, yes, I’ll be fine. I’m just…  
Armin makes a brief pause.  
\- Worried about possible titan attacks, you know. With everything that’s been going on recently, it’s no wonder. Who knows, there might be another traitor amongst us.  
I don’t need to look behind me, to know there’s someone from the Military Police in close proximity to us. Nice save, Armin! I join in.  
\- Hmm, that is possible. I mean, there’s no way Reiner and Bertolt were working alone. I don’t even want to think about what it’s like to be tortured underground. I am sure right now they regret their actions.  
I can hear the two members of the Military Police, who start whispering to each other. Bingo!


	36. Chapter 36

\- Hey, Marlo, did you hear?  
\- Hear what, Hitch?  
\- About the titan shifters. It seems to be the hot topic amongst the Survey Corps. According to them, those guys Reiner and Bert something are locked underground, and are a subject of torture and all kinds of different experiments.  
\- Are you serious??  
Halfway through their talk Annie Leonhart stopped what she was doing, and listened intently.  
_“This can’t be true. Both Reiner and Bertolt were defeated? How is that possible? Even with Captain Levi’s talent, he can’t defeat both of them at once.”_  
Hitch noticed Annie.  
\- Ah, if it isn’t our dear Annie.  
\- Is any of what you just said true?  
\- Oh? Well, isn’t this interesting? Do you actually care about someone other than yourself? You’re full of surprises.  
Annie looked at Hitch with her typical disinterested expression.  
\- Not really. You and Marlo were too loud, there’s no way I could ignore you.  
With that Annie walked away from the both of them.  
\- Tsk, she’s damn annoying. Always thinks she’s better than everyone else.  
\- That’s just how she is. Come on, let’s finish up here. 

***

Mikasa and Eren were working together on one of the supply bases. Although, to be fair, it was mostly Mikasa carrying around the heavier stuff, since she was much stronger than him. She wiped the sweat from her forehead.  
\- I’m done here. How about you, Eren?  
\- Almost done.  
\- Are you alright? You don’t look very good.  
\- I’m fine. I’m just…thinking about stuff.  
\- Does that stuff have a name? Don’t tell me you still have doubts about this mission.  
\- Of course I do! Damn! I’m just having a tough time believing it…  
\- I wasn’t there with you when you got kidnapped, but you didn’t seem to be this shaken up when you discovered Reiner and Bertolt’s true identities. Why is it different this time?  
\- I…don’t know, okay?! I don’t know what to tell you...  
Both of them fell silent. Mikasa was afraid of what Eren wasn’t telling her. She didn’t want to believe he might actually feel something more towards Annie. No…nothing will happen. After Annie shows her true colors to Eren, that will be the end for him, and he will hate her just like he hates all other titans. Or at least that’s what she hoped.  
_“I won’t let anyone take Eren away from me!”_ Mikasa swore to herself.

***

\- Ahh, this sure is tough work.  
I stretch a bit. My body feels tired after working non-stop for the last couple of hours.  
\- Are you done on your side, Shortie?  
\- Yes, Jean. Do you want me to give you a hand?  
\- No, I’m almost done myself. Take a short break.  
\- Thank you!  
I look up at the sky. It’s already late afternoon. Most of the supply bases are already set, but our main mission doesn’t seem to be showing any results. Everyone did their best to spread the rumor around, and yet it doesn’t seem like Annie cares at all. Maybe I was wrong…The thought alone makes me shiver nervously. The Commander trusted my judgment completely, and if it was all for nothing…A familiar sound takes me away from the self-torture. It’s Annie! She makes her way to us.  
\- Annie? Is everything alright?  
\- Of course. You seem surprised. Do I need a special reason to talk to my former fellow cadets?  
\- No, of course not! I just didn’t expect you to show up.  
\- Is that so?  
I am having a hard time decrypting Annie’s expression, but I feel uneasy.  
\- I thought you’d at least expect to see me, after you all tried so hard to make me believe a stupid rumor.  
Next to me Jean seizes his actions, and turns to look at Annie.  
\- I’m not really sure what rumor you’re talking about.  
\- Don’t lie to me, Desi! Tell me, was it your idea? I wouldn’t be surprised. I told Reiner you’re bad news, but he refused to listen. He should have never kidnapped you.  
I am horribly nervous, even scared, but I try not to show it.  
\- You are the Female Titan, aren’t you?  
\- And what if I am? What will you do about it? A useless girl like you, who can’t do anything without her precious Commander. I should have killed you when I had the chance!  
I only smile in response. Annie looks confused.  
\- **GRAB HER!**  
I shout, and everyone else from the former 104th squad jumps out of their hiding places, and in no time Annie is immobilized and silenced. I walk up to her.  
\- How’s it like to be in this position? Do you know how I felt when I watched you murder all those Scouts? I still wish things weren’t this way, though, but none of us can go back.  
Annie watches me with deep hatred in her eyes, which is perfectly understandable. But something else catches my eye – something, which flashes on one of her fingers. It looks like a ring…But I don’t have any more time to think about it, because in the next moment the familiar yellow and green energy envelops her. I don’t need to say the words, because everyone quickly moves away from her. Me and Jean follow after. It seems she managed to cut herself. Damn it!

***

Upon noticing the titan transformation, Captain Levi quickly sped ahead. On his way he saw a few members of the Military Police.  
\- Hey, all of you, we have a situation. Don’t just stand there, and do your job!  
After he moved ahead, Hitch quickly complained.  
\- Is that guy out of his mind?? I am not going anywhere near that place.  
\- Do as you wish. I will go help them.  
With that Marlo left her alone.  
\- They’re all crazy, complete lunatics!  
She paced nervously for a bit.  
\- Oh, for the love of…Wait for me, Marlo! 

***

The situation is a complete chaos. The citizens are running away in a frenzy, and I bet we will be a subject of so much hate after today. We attempt to attack Annie, but are forced to stay away from her punches. Our plan B, a.k.a Eren, tries to transform into a titan, but it’s not working. Once we are scattered around, the Female Titan starts to run in the direction of the Wall. What is she even planning to do?  
\- Come back here, Annie!  
I follow after her.  
\- Desi! Stay away, and let me handle this.  
Captain Levi moves next to me.  
\- I’m sorry, Captain, but I can’t follow your order. This situation is my responsibility, and I will see it through.  
I hurry ahead. The Female Titan stops right in front of the Wall, and turns around. I stifle my initial surprise, and jump in for an attack. But I’m not fast enough, and I can see her harden the skin of her arm, the object of my attempted attack. I quickly switch my target to one of her legs, but when I do so she changes her posture to one I know painfully well. I am terrified, completely frightened, but if I retreat now I won’t be able to face myself. I want to prove my worth, so I swallow my fear and put my training in action. I manage to escape her swift kick, and land a deep cut on her left leg. I move back at just enough distance to execute my next move, but this time I’m not so lucky. After I escape a sure kick and land on top of one of the houses, she launches her fist at me, and it goes through the roof of the house just as I jump away. A piece of a broken tile flies in my direction, and cuts along my right eye. I cry out in pain, and hold my hand against the bleeding spot. The vision in my right eye goes completely dark. I try to look ahead. The Female Titan proceeds to climb the Wall. Captain Levi flies past me, and lands hit after hit on her limbs, until she can no longer hold herself up. She falls down on the ground with a loud thump. The others gather around me, but I quickly send them away.  
\- I’m fine, go help Captain Levi.  
Jean remains next to me.  
\- Let me see.  
\- No…  
\- Come on, Shortie.  
I remove my hand, which is covered in blood, and a wet trail of tears rolls down from my left eye.  
\- This is it, isn’t it? I’m useless now…In the end I couldn’t accomplish a damn thing…  
\- That’s not true.  
But I don't pay attention to his words.  
\- I wish…  
I look at the Female Titan, which attempts to run away once more. I am filled with both fury and determination.  
\- I wish I could be stronger!  
And then it happens - the last thing I would ever expect, the last thing anyone around me would ever even think about. A weird sensation envelops my body, as it grows bigger and bigger, until it completely transforms into a Titan. I open my eyes, unable to comprehend the situation. Wait, my eyes?!? I can see clearly…  
\- What the hell is going on?!


	37. Chapter 37

What is this situation? Is it actually happening to me? This small space feels so stuffy, that I might even be sweating. Does Eren experience the same? My whole body is trapped in here, apparently connected to the Titan I’m in control of. Alright, keep calm, Desi. I have no idea how I did this, but I want to get out as soon as possible. But first – my gaze follows the Female Titan – let’s see if I can make myself useful with this unexpected surprise. Later I will have a chance to look for answers to all of my questions. Or at least I hope so. All in all, I have nothing to lose. 

***

\- D-Desi…  
Jean sat on the ground, where the impact from her transformation had left him. He studied her Titan form in both horror and confusion. Why was she even able to do this, and since when? Had she been hiding it from all of them? No, he refused to think that way. The Desi he knew wasn’t capable of betraying them like this. But he was mostly taken aback by her appearance. It was entirely different from any other titan he had ever seen, including the titan shifters he knew of. In the afternoon glow the skin looked like it was…shining a bit. It reminded him of a crystal. Her titan form was a bit shorter than those of Eren and Annie, but muscular enough. It had her dark short hair, and the same lively green eyes. Although, right now they looked more like she was panicking. Jean stood up.  
\- Hey, Shortie!! Can you hear me?? 

***

\- Huh? Jean?  
I turn to my side, and see my friend, who is attempting to get my attention. He hooks himself up to my titan body, and lands on my shoulder.  
\- Shortie, you have a lot of explaining to do once we’re back. For now, let’s focus on the mission. Do you think you can control this thing?  
I nod reluctantly. I’m not one hundred percent sure, but there’s no better time to try than now. Oh, this is actually pretty easy. My body, well the titan body, feels quite light and agile.  
_“Alright, let’s get the Female Titan!”_ is what I think, but I actually have no idea if I can even be a worthy opponent. 

***

\- What the…Why is Desi…like me…  
Eren, along with the rest of the group only stared in shock after their friend. Eren looked down at his hand – it was shaking, covered with wounds, and bleeding from all the attempts to transform himself. He clenched it in a fist, feeling both irritated and disappointed. Armin took him out of his dark thoughts.  
\- Come on, everyone. Let’s follow them. Desi might just be what we needed to turn the tables. We need to go help her, and Captain Levi!  
Everyone agreed, and followed after Armin, even Eren, whose reluctance was more than obvious. Hitch and Marlo had just arrived, when they saw the new Titan, and the Scouts leaving after it.  
\- What the hell…Just how many titan-shifters do these damn Survey Corps have in their ranks??  
\- Come on, Hitch, we need to go help.  
\- Are you out of your mind?? I’m not going there. I’m sitting this one out.  
\- Suit yourself.  
Marlo left her alone, and followed after the rest.  
_“And where the hell is Annie?”_ Hitch thought. 

***

_“That wasn’t Eren’s titan form. It looked similar to the Female Titan. But who else can turn into one of them??”_  
\- Commander Smith, we have a situation!  
One of the Survey Scouts went back to report the new mission development. Erwin Smith’s attention turned to him.  
\- Sir, we have a new titan shifter amongst the Survey Corps.  
\- Who is it?  
\- It’s Desi, Sir.  
\- Wh…at?  
Erwin Smith felt his heart stop for a moment. His little girl…can turn into a titan? What kind of a sick joke was that? But among those kinds of thoughts, a different one emerged. Both hers and Eren’s ability can bring him closer to finally achieving his life-long dream.  
\- Commander…why are you smiling?  
\- Huh? What?  
Erwin Smith hadn’t even realized what sort of face he was making. He cleared his throat.  
\- What about Eren?  
\- He can’t transform, Sir. He tried multiple times.  
\- I see. In that case, go back and assist Desi in any way possible. We need to make sure the Female Titan is captured today.  
\- Yes, Sir!  
The Scout left Erwin alone with his versatile thoughts. It took him only a couple of minutes, before he decided he can’t just stand there and wait.  
\- I need to see it for myself.  
But just as he was about to leave, Nile Dok emerged from behind him.  
\- Erwin, you need to come with me.  
Ah, yes, Erwin feared that moment ever since they decided on today’s mission.  
\- I’m afraid I can’t do that right now, Nile. My soldiers need me.  
\- It’s a direct order from the Premier, so don’t even think about disobeying it. Besides, you are the one who told me they will be just fine even without you. Come quietly, I’d rather not hurt you.  
Erwin Smith didn’t hide his dissatisfaction, but decided against protesting.  
\- What about the mission? Are you just going to leave everyone like this?  
\- Of course not. I will assist them in your place. I might not be as crazy as you, but I can lead them just fine. Take him away.  
Nile Dok gestured for two Military Police members. They handcuffed Erwin Smith, and walked away with him. Nile Dok sighed.  
\- Such a mess…What the hell did you do this time, Erwin? 

***

Captain Levi had noticed the transformation, but was already preoccupied with chasing after the Female Titan. He presumed the brat Eren finally decided to be useful, so he didn’t even think of looking back. Instead, he kept landing attacks on her. She was obviously growing more and more tired, so it was a matter of time before she can no longer pose any threat. But the deed was already done, and there were many destroyed houses on the Female Titan’s path. At least he didn’t notice anyone dead, which was a relief. 

***

\- You can do this, Desi. I just need to be careful not to hurt Captain Levi, and everything will be perfectly fine!  
Or at least that’s what I keep repeating to myself. This still feels horribly weird, but I guess it’s only normal. It’s not every day I turn into a damn titan.  
\- **Yes, I can do this!!**  
I encourage myself, but what actually comes out of my titan’s mouth is a roar - a loud one. Both the Female Titan and Captain Levi turn their attention to me. 

***

\- _"Who is she?"_  
From inside the Female Titan Annie was both confused and worried. Another female titan, whose existence she wasn’t even aware of. And what is wrong with her skin? It’s unlike anything she had seen so far.  
\- _"Doesn’t matter, if she attacks me, I’ll crush her to pieces."_

***

\- Who the hell is that??  
Captain Levi studied the new Titan. His expression showed nothing less than pure shock, mixed with irritation.  
\- Just how many of the damn brats can turn into these creatures?? Tch, are we raising titans inside the Walls, or something??  
But then he saw Jean on her shoulder, and everything became clear. The new Titan ran past him, and charged towards the Female Titan, which took a defense stance.  
\- Alright, Desi, show us what you’ve got.  
Captain Levi signaled for the rest of the Survey Corps, which had just reached him.  
\- Our new task is to keep Desi safe, and capture the Female Titan. Let’s go!  
\- Yes, Sir!


	38. Chapter 38

\- What in the world is going on here?!  
Nile Dok arrived just as the two Titans were in the middle of their fight.  
\- Ah, Commander!  
Marlo saluted him, and began to explain the situation.  
\- The blonde titan is a traitor. We need to capture her. The other titan is on our side.  
\- Why do we even have this many titans inside Wall Rose?? This is unacceptable. After today, all of us will have to answer in court. That damned Erwin, and his devilish schemes!  
\- But, Sir, this is an important matter. Traitors shouldn’t be allowed to exist among us.  
\- I realize this much, but that’s not the way the higher-ups will look at the situation. And neither will the citizens. In their eyes, we are playing cat and mouse and destroying property. We, the Military Police, are supposed to serve and protect the king, not run around after a bunch of crazy titans. Geez, this is going to end badly.  
He looked at the fighting titans once more.  
\- Do we know their identities? – He asked Marlo.  
\- I only know the one with the strange skin. She’s from the Survey Corps, and her name is Desi. We still don’t know who the traitor is.  
\- Desi? Isn’t that the same girl, who was recently kidnapped along with Eren Yaeger?  
\- Yes, that’s the one.  
\- Hmm, I see. 

***

\- Damn it, Annie! You may be fast, but I’ve got more stamina than you!  
The Female Titan can’t keep up. She has to balance between the Survey Corps’ constant attacks and my own, which are getting better since I’ve gotten the hang of it. I seem to be overexcited, because I don’t even realize how I manage to harden my skin just before my fist collides with the Female Titan, which sends her body flying ahead. I study the shining hard skin on my arm.  
\- Wow, sweet!  
I can tell she’s awfully close to complete exhaustion, and I can taste the approaching victory. But it’s too early to celebrate, because in a desperate moment the Female Titan lets out a high-pitched cry. Damn, that even hurts my ears. She proceeds to run away once more.  
\- You are only postponing the inevitable, Annie.  
I run after her. Next to me I hear Captain Levi, who orders the Survey Corps to keep following us. Just as I’m about to reach the Female Titan, it suddenly turns around and sends a flying kick right at my head. I can’t move away on time, and that’s the last thing on my mind, before I lose consciousness. 

***

\- Captain, I can see Desi’s body, it’s out of the titan’s neck!  
Mikasa pointed out, and Captain Levi quickly gave orders.  
\- Don’t let the Female Titan get her hands on Desi! Distract her, and I’ll finish her!  
\- Yes, Sir!  
Jean quickly swooped down towards Desi, and proceeded to cut her away from the nape of the titan’s neck. The rest attacked the Female Titan in full force, providing Captain Levi with enough time to quickly take care of her limbs one by one.  
\- It’s time to come out of your hiding place!  
He descended towards her neck and cut a thin slice, enough to uncover the person inside.  
\- Annie…  
Eren noticed the tears, rolling down from Annie’s eyes. In the next moment a blinding blue light emanated from her body, and it was enveloped in a thick transparent crystal block. Captain Levi studied the crystal, and cussed under his breath.  
\- Things just keep getting better and better.  
He turned his attention to his soldiers.  
\- Is everyone alright?  
\- Yes, Sir, we don’t have any casualties. - Armin reported.  
\- Good, at least that’s good news.  
\- Aww, I missed the whole thing!!  
Hanji landed next to Levi, and was about to keep whining when she saw the crystal block.  
\- How did this happen?  
\- How am I supposed to know that, four eyes? She did it herself.  
\- Hmm. Moblit, come and help me. We’ll need to transport her underground.  
\- Yes, Hanji-san!  
\- Tsk, I couldn’t even use my new trap, such a shame.  
\- Yes, it’s a catastrophe.  
Captain Levi answered with a snide comment, and made his way to the Scouts.  
\- Come on, kiddos. Time to go back for the day. Our work here is done.  
Then his gaze moved to Jean, who was carrying the unconscious Desi in his arms.  
\- Is she alright?  
\- Ah, yes, Captain, she’s breathing. I think she just passed out, same as Eren the first time.  
\- Good. Come on, let’s all get some rest.  
\- Not so fast, Captain.  
\- Hmm?  
Nile Dok was standing in front of Captain Levi.  
\- I’m afraid I will need to take this girl myself. She and Eren Yaeger will be put in a cell, until we decide how to deal with them.  
\- I am not giving you Desi!  
Jean quickly protested.  
\- Eren is not going anywhere!  
Mikasa joined in.  
\- Perhaps I didn’t make myself clear. This is an order, and if you don’t want me to put you in jail along with them, you will follow it!  
\- I’d rather go to jail! – Mikasa answered.  
\- Same here! – So did Jean.  
\- Oi, oi, you two. Easy there. Hand over Desi and Eren.  
\- But, Sir! – Both Mikasa and Jean protested at the same time.  
\- Listen to what I tell you, and trust my judgment, alright?  
Captain Levi turned his attention back to Nile Dok.  
\- You can have the brats, but tell me something. Where’s Erwin?  
\- He’s in the same place they’ll be going.  
Captain Levi’s expression changed a couple of times, before he answered.  
\- Tch, what are you trying to do? Put an end to the Survey Corps? If we’re not around who will save your ass from the titans?  
\- I suggest you keep your thoughts to yourself, Captain. Come on, hand over the prisoners.  
\- Eren...  
\- Everything will be fine, Mikasa.  
\- Hey, Eren, I leave Desi in your care. Make sure nothing happens to her.  
\- Don’t worry, horse-f…Jean.  
Eren took Desi from Jean’s arms, and walked ahead of Nile Dok, who followed close after him. After they were out of sight, everyone swarmed around the Captain.  
\- Captain Levi, what do you think will happen now? - Armin was the one to ask.  
\- I honestly have no clue. This was bound to happen sooner or later. Those pigs from the higher-ups won’t just sit and watch while titans roam around freely inside their precious walls. For better or for worse, things will be settled in court, and we will be there and do our best to prove the innocence of all three of them. Although, knowing Erwin, he’s probably already devising a plan in his head. Let’s go and get some rest. We have a big day ahead of us.


	39. Chapter 39

It was Eren’s second time in a cell like this one. He remembered the feeling all too well, with the slight difference he wasn’t confused anymore. Eren was painfully aware of everything, and it took his best effort not to let his anger take over. The cell was dark. The only light came from a lit torch on a wall outside. His hands were handcuffed to the wall behind him, and covered completely in bandages, in case he decided to try something funny. Who would even be crazy enough to try and turn into a titan in a small cell like this? To be caged like an animal felt cold and depressing - almost as cold as the floor beneath him. He looked on his left at the other cell, where Desi was still unconscious. She was in the same position as him. He still had so many things to ask her. Eren wondered what will happen to them now. It was impossible to count all the times he cursed his “special” ability.

***

> _\- My beautiful daughter, do Daddy a favor and stand still._  
>  _\- But, Daddy, I’m scared!_  
>  _\- There’s nothing to be afraid of. It will only hurt a little, and then you’ll grow much stronger._  
>  _\- As strong as Daddy?_  
>  _\- Haha, yes, as strong as your Daddy. Even stronger. There we go. That’s a good girl._  
>  _\- Daddy, I feel strange._  
>  _\- It will be alright, my dear. Soon everything will be fine._  
>  _I watch as the little girl transforms into a titan._  
>  _\- Wait, no…Don’t…Don’t do that!_  
>  _I close my eyes. It’s too gruesome, I can’t watch this anymore. What the hell am I seeing?? For some reason there’s a tugging pain in my chest, like I’ve already seen this before. No, more like I’ve been here before, like I’ve experienced it…but that’s impossible…Isn’t it? ___

__  
__

I finally start to wake up. Damn, that was a horrible dream, even worse than the usual ones. In my half-awake state I try to rub my eyes, but quickly realize I can’t move my hands. I open my eyes completely. Fear creeps in my whole being when I notice the iron bars.  
\- Where the hell am I?  
I look up at my hands, and see the handcuffs. My memory is very fuzzy, as I try to recall any events, which might have led to the state I’m currently in.  
\- Desi, you’re finally awake.  
I hear a voice from my right, and turn my attention towards it.  
\- Eren!  
Well, at least I’m not alone.  
\- What happened? What are we doing here?  
\- You don’t remember anything?  
\- I don’t think so, at least not right now.  
\- You don’t remember turning into a titan?  
\- What??  
But as soon as the question leaves my lips, the memories come flooding in my mind. Oh, my, I really did turn into a titan.  
\- Now that you mention it, yes, yes, I do remember. But that doesn’t explain why we’re locked up here.  
\- We were declared a threat to humanity, and arrested as such.  
\- But that’s complete bullshit!  
\- Not really. We’re not normal, just like Annie, Bertolt and Reiner.  
\- Eren...  
I grit my teeth. An unsettling feeling awakens in the pit of my stomach. I feel like crying. I hold the tears back.  
\- What happened to the mission? Did we fail?  
\- No, or at least not really. We captured Annie, but we can’t interrogate her.  
\- Why not?  
\- Once Captain Levi cut her out of the Female Titan, she sealed herself in a crystal block. I don’t think it can be broken.  
\- You’ve got to be kidding me…All of our efforts were for nothing…  
\- Desi…how did you do it?  
My first reaction is to ask what he means, but I know all too well what he’s asking about, so I answer him instead.  
\- I have no idea…I didn’t know I could turn into a titan. I learned it by accident, just like you.  
\- I see…  
\- I thought…I would remain blind, I felt desperate that my days as a Scout were suddenly over and I couldn’t fight for humanity anymore. But this is better, isn’t it? I mean, I can be useful this way…  
\- If we don’t get executed tomorrow.  
\- What do you mean?  
\- Tomorrow they’ll take us to court, along with Commander Smith.  
\- **What???** But why is he… **What the hell!**  
_"This can’t be happening."_

***

Levi decided to check up on Erwin Smith. His cell was in a different part of the prison, but other than that it was the same as all of them.  
\- Oi, Erwin. Having fun down there?  
Erwin Smith looked up. He was sitting down on the ground with his legs crossed, lost in his own thoughts.  
\- Ah, Levi, how nice of you to drop by.  
Captain Levi leaned against the wall, and crossed his hands.  
\- Nice is the mess you got yourself into. But talking about it won’t change anything. What are you planning to do now?  
\- I’m not really sure.  
\- I find that hard to believe. But if you’re not willing to spill it out, I guess we’re in for a big surprise tomorrow.  
Erwin Smith allowed himself a small smile.  
\- You’re very annoying, you know that, Erwin?  
\- Yes, I’ve been told.  
\- What will happen to Desi and Eren?  
\- I’ll do my best to get them out of here.  
\- So you know about them already?  
\- Yes, Nile came and told me earlier.  
\- Did you have any idea about Desi?  
\- No, I didn’t. I don’t think she knew it either.  
\- Being a titan shifter plus the fact she lost her memory – it’s a very suspicious combination, don’t you think so?  
\- I doubt Desi is capable of such a thing.  
\- I don’t believe it either, but we can never be too careful.  
\- I trust her completely.  
\- Alright. I don't like it, but in that case I will trust her as well. I just hope you’re not wrong.  
\- Yes, I hope so too, Levi.  
The mere thought of his precious girl as a traitor to humanity left a horrible taste in his mouth. No, he won’t repeat the same mistake twice – he won’t allow himself to doubt her, and tomorrow he will make sure both she and Eren are safe and sound. What will happen to him wasn’t important, as long as they’re okay.


	40. Chapter 40

I’ve never been to a court room before, and I consider that a good thing. To be honest, I don’t want to ever set foot here again. Yes, these silly thoughts manage to keep me sane in the current situation. Much better than freaking out, because let’s face it – that would be a pretty damn obvious reaction. The room has a simple setting. In front of me is the big desk – the place for Premier Zachary Dalis. On my left are the members of the Survey Corps, on my right – the Military Police along with, oh, Pastor Nick. Just great, what we need the most now is a complete lunatic. Behind me are the Garrison and citizens, seated down on wooden benches. Among the citizens I can spot Dimo Reeves – the owner of a merchant group named after him. I know him all too well, and I can’t stand the sight of that selfish old man. Me, Commander Smith and Eren, positioned in this order, are bound with handcuffs to metal poles in the middle of the room – exposed in front of everyone like we’re some kind of scientific experiment. What I can’t stand the most is the way they look at us – some with fear, others with hate and disgust. The only ones who are on our side are the Survey Corps, but I’m afraid they might not be enough to turn the situation around. I can’t even bear to look at the Commander – I’m afraid that if I do, the fake courage I’ve been building up so far will crumble to dust. Even so, I feel his gaze on me, it’s like a magnet, and all my efforts give way to the invisible power he has on me. I look his way; it’s only natural at this point. This may be the last time I meet the blue eyes and smile I love so much, so in the end it’s worth it. He whispers words, meant for me alone.  
\- **Watashi o shinjite! (Trust me!)**  
That’s all I need, it’s that simple. These words fill me up with courage and hope, and I’m happy. I smile like a complete idiot in a room full of people, who fear and hate me. I smile like my life is perfect, and nothing they do can ever harm me. Their existence pales in comparison with Erwin’s warmth. That’s right; this is no time for self-pity, and certainly no time for giving up. Both me and Eren, we’re here to prove our worth in the battle against titans. We aren’t the enemy. If anyone thinks otherwise, they are the true enemy of humankind. I can hear all kinds of discussions going on around us, but I try to pay them no mind. Everyone goes quiet when Premier Zachary Dalis enters the room, and makes his way towards his spot. Everyone is listening carefully.  
\- We are gathered here today to deal with a very pressing issue. As you all know, recently we were faced with quite a few cases of soldiers with the power to turn themselves to titans.  
\- **Soldiers?? You mean monsters!** – Someone from behind me shouts.  
\- Be quiet, or I’ll remove you from the room! – is the Premier’s response.  
This time the man remains silent.  
\- One question, well, a few questions to be exact, still stand: Can we really trust our soldiers? Are they allies or enemies? What is their true purpose? Why do they posses such power? In a recent mission to re-capture Trost District Eren Yaeger proved himself useful by plugging the hole created by the Colossal Titan, but he also endangered the lives of other members of the Survey Corps. During a secret mission yesterday, the knowledge of which was only shared between the Survey Corps and the Military Police Desi helped with the capture of the Female Titan, another titan shifter and a traitor. But because of this secret mission the lives of many citizens were endangered, and parts of Kalanes District suffered destruction during the process. The one, who deemed himself responsible and took the whole blame is none other than Commander Erwin Smith. According to him, this was a good way to get rid of the traitor among us as soon as possible.  
\- **Rubbish! How many people became titan food, because of this man??**  
The man turned to the Commander.  
\- **Don’t you have any shame?!**  
His words pierce my chest. Where have I heard them before? They awaken rage deep within me. I quickly speak up.  
\- Premier, may I say a few words?  
\- When the time for that comes, yes.  
\- Understood, Sir...  
I try to calm myself down as much as possible, but I can’t help biting my lips in frustration. The Premier continues with his speech.  
\- This is my last warning: If someone else interrupts me, they will be kicked out immediately.  
I can’t believe these people don’t even know how to act during a trial. They’re like complete savages, and yet we are considered monsters.  
\- To sum it all up, these are the reasons why Eren Yaeger, Desi and Commander Erwin Smith are facing the court today. I will ask everyone, who takes part in today’s trial, to remain unprejudiced and support their statements with solid evidence.  
\- **Are you asking us to treat these monsters like humans?!?**  
\- Pastor Nick! I think I made myself clear before. Get him out of here!  
\- **Don’t touch me with your dirty hands! I am a man of the Church!**  
His shouts can be heard for quite a while, before silence envelops the court room once more. I sigh. Is this a joke, or something? Sure feels like it.  
_“At least that clown is out of here.”_  
I turn my attention back to the Premier.  
\- Commander Nile Dok, I will ask you to speak first and lay out your testimony.  
\- Yes, Sir. Two days ago Commander Erwin Smith called me for a meeting between the two of us. On this said meeting, we discussed his idea for a joined mission between the Survey Corps and the Military Police. He didn’t give me a clear idea behind this sudden decision, but according to him and I quote “It would be good training exercise for both parties”. The only thing he asked for was a specific officer to be present during the mission. I wasn’t sure of the reason behind his request, but now it’s perfectly clear. Apparently, he was suspicious of that same officer, and as it turns out his suspicions were correct.  
\- Did you believe his words?  
\- Not entirely. But I had no good reason to decline, so I accepted his offer.  
\- What really happened on the day of the mission?  
\- When I arrived in Kalanes District, the two Titans were already fighting. I learned their true identities from one of my officers. I arrested Commander Erwin Smith, just as you instructed, and took on the command of the operation. In the end, the mission was successful and the traitor was captured, except for the fact we can’t interrogate her currently, and we didn’t suffer any casualties both amongst the citizens and soldiers. We only suffered property damage.  
\- Can we count on our captive to give us more information about the nature of the titans?  
\- Unfortunately, that’s impossible. Just before she was captured, she sealed herself in a giant crystal block, and we don’t know how to break it.  
\- Where is that person now?  
\- If I may answer that, Premier.  
Hanji-san speaks up.  
\- Go ahead.  
\- We moved that person underground, where by your consent my team and I will do our best to come up with a way to get her out of there, and find out all the secrets she’s hiding.  
\- You have my permission, Squad Leader Hanji Zoe.  
\- Thank you, Sir.  
\- Commander Nile Dok, were either Eren or Desi any threat to humanity during yesterday’s mission?  
\- No, Sir, Eren Yaeger didn’t even transform. Desi was the only one in titan form and from what I saw she only fought with the Female Titan.  
\- I see. Is that all you can tell me, Commander Nile Dok?  
\- That is all I know.  
\- Alright, in that case, it’s your turn to speak, Commander Pixis Dot.  
The Commander clears his throat.  
\- We were informed of the mission by Commander Erwin Smith. According to him, the Survey Corps and Military Police were working together to set up supply bases around Kalanes District in case of a possible wall breach. We explained the situation to the citizens, and asked both parties not to disturb each other. Everything was peaceful until the appearance of the Female Titan. We began immediate evacuation of all citizens. Luckily, the Female Titan didn’t show any interest in them, her only target were the Survey Corps.  
\- Did you witness the fight between Desi and the Female titan?  
\- Unfortunately, no. I was called by the King himself. He had business with me, but I’m afraid I can’t say any more than this.  
\- I understand. Would you consider Eren Yaeger and Desi a threat to humanity?  
\- Hmm, I already put my trust in Yaeger before he plugged the hole in Wall Rose. In my personal opinion, these young people can be very useful and we are looking at a golden opportunity to finally be victorious against Titans.  
\- Thank you, Commander Pixis Dot.  
I’ve never known how long a trial can take. Everything is going smoothly so far, but I don’t dare relax just yet. Who knows what their final decision will be?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must confess, this chapter was very tiring to write. And while I'm being honest, I have no clue how a trial should go, I've only seen it in animes and movies, and that's the kind of atmosphere I strove to re-create. I hope it didn't turn out too bad.


	41. Chapter 41

Premier Zachary Dhalis turns to the Survey Corps. It’s finally their turn to speak.  
\- Captain Levi, you were a part of the mission. Tell us what happened.  
A glimmer of hope lights up inside of me. The Commander pays close attention to the Captain’s words, and so does Eren. At this very moment for us he is the epitome of a savior. I’m not sure if he notices our expectant glances, but he speaks as calmly and unfazed as ever.  
\- Our mission was quite simple – to get rid of a possible threat. After facing the Armored Titan we had a good reason to suspect there was another traitor among us, but there was a big risk involved. If we had acted rashly without a good plan in motion, things might have ended up with a failure. That was the reason why we decided on a secret mission. You see, sometimes it’s necessary to trick your enemy - it’s actually a very smart battle strategy. We were aware of the possible consequences, but we decided the risk is worth it. I am not excusing our actions in any way, but I believe we were right in what we did.  
\- I will be the judge of that. Tell us about the mission events.  
\- Gladly. I was in charge of looking after the youngsters. We split around Kalanes District, and each group began their assigned task. I assisted them, and kept close watch on the person we suspected. Most of the day went by without any development. I went around to check if all the supply bases were executed properly. I was close to the Inner gate when it happened – the distinct sign of someone transforming into a titan. When I arrived at the spot, the Survey Corps were already fighting against the Female Titan. Apparently, Eren was in no shape to transform, which meant it was up to me to take care of her – something we discussed prior the mission. Desi went ahead of me, and tried to fight her on her own. She believed this was something she had to do. But she got injured in the process. The Female Titan attempted to escape, and I went after her. I wasn’t present for Desi’s transformation, it happened afterwards. I wasn’t aware of her ability, no one was.  
Premier Zachary Dhalis interrupts the Captain.  
\- Do you think she hid it on purpose?  
Captain Levi looks my way, and I hold his gaze.  
\- No, I believe she had no idea.  
Did the Captain…just lie for my sake?  
\- Alright, please, continue.  
\- Once she turned into a Titan, she went for the Female Titan and did her best to give us enough openings to attack, and tire her out just enough for me to land the decisive blow. Everyone did their best, and we accomplished a clean victory with no casualties. Unfortunately, because of the unforeseen events, we are still far from any further knowledge about the truth behind Titan shifters. But we did gain a lot as well. We have two of them right now, and they are both on our side.  
\- How are you so certain of that, Captain Levi?  
\- You see, Premier, I’ve fought alongside of both of them, and I have enough reasons to trust them. When Eren’s ability came to light, his choice was to fight for humanity. Desi did the same. They could have easily repeated the actions of the three other titan shifters, but they didn’t. They chose to stay, painfully aware that they will be considered monsters. Because their sense of duty is strong enough.  
Premier Zachary Dhalis scratches his beard, deep in thought.  
\- I understand what you mean, Captain Levi, but aren’t the odds of them turning against us high enough to consider them a dangerous enemy to humanity? There is no proof they won't decide to betray us at any given moment..  
\- That’s true, but there is one thing I can guarantee. If that ever happens, I myself will take care of them personally, and make sure they pay for such actions.  
\- If I may interrupt, Premier.  
Nile Dok raised his hand.  
\- Yes, do you have anything to say, Commander?  
\- My question is for Captain Levi.  
He turns towards the latter.  
\- In the battle against the Armored Titan, you lost your squad to him, isn’t that right? In the end, you didn’t manage to defeat him. What reason do we have to trust you with not one, but two titan-shifters? How do you think you can manage?  
The nerve of this guy! To my surprise, the Captain isn’t fazed at all; instead he actually lets out what I can only describe as a sarcastic laugh.  
\- A very good question.  
He then moves towards us, and stops in front of Eren. He stares down at him for a bit, before landing a series of kicks against his body.  
_“What…the hell??”_  
Mikasa is beyond furious, and attempts to jump in and help Eren, but Armin stops her from doing so. My body flinches uncomfortably with every hit Eren receives from the Captain, and they seem to be endless. When the Captain finally seizes his actions, Eren spits out blood and his face is covered in bruises. During the whole thing no one dared to even think of interrupting. Nile Dok’s face is covered in sweat, and it’s easy to tell he’s frightened by this display of brutality. The Captain turns to him.  
\- What I just did, can you manage it? If such a moment comes when Eren needs to be put down, can you go against him? Can you fight with an intelligent Titan that can kill you on the spot? Do you have that kind of courage?  
The Commander stutters, and no words leave his mouth.  
\- Precisely. While you cower away in fear, I can fight and carry this burden on my shoulders.  
Captain Levi moves his gaze from Commander Nile Dok, and concentrates on the Premier instead.  
\- I am fairly certain we have a big chance of progress with Desi and Eren on our side. In case of any issues with either one of them, I assure you, I will put them out of their misery. You can count on that.  
\- Alright, I guess with your skills it’s only natural to entrust you with such a difficult task. However, that doesn’t solve our cardinal issue. We need to settle the matter once and for all, and to do that we need to know whether or not we can trust Eren and Desi to keep doing their duty as soldiers. In order for that to be successful, they need to provide us with proof of their loyalty, and earn our trust. For that purpose, I will now listen to each one of them. Eren Yaeger, you can speak first.  
Everyone’s gazes move to Eren, but he’s not saying a word. I study his expression - it looks like he’s very sick of this whole thing. After a bit he finally speaks.  
\- Why can’t you just leave everything to us…? If you are going to kill us, then just do it already! What is with this ridiculous trial?!  
_“Oh, Eren, no, don’t do this…”_  
As I expected, just before Eren can feel the wrath of all the people in the room, Captain Levi grants him with another strong kick against his stomach, which leaves him breathless.  
\- Wasn’t my earlier beating enough for you? I guess you still have a lot to learn, damn brat.  
Premier Zachary Dhalis looks visibly annoyed.  
\- Umm, excuse me, Premier, may I say a few words?  
\- Yes, go on, Desi.  
\- In Eren’s defense, it’s not easy to be put in our position. Anyone in this room would have felt devastated, if they were treated like a monster. I understand how this looks, but despite our…ability we are still people, and we still hold the same ideals as before. We want to help retake Wall Maria, and restore peace to humanity. I’m just a mere soldier, but even I can see the big list of possibilities. After all these years of oppression humanity can finally have the upper hand against Titans. Isn’t that enough of a reason to throw away any prejudices and work together for that common goal? I…have no idea why this happened to me, and neither does Eren, but what point will it all have, if we don’t put it to good use? I became a soldier to serve humanity and fight for its freedom, and that’s precisely what I’ll keep doing - today, tomorrow, for as long as I need to.  
All kinds of whispers travel throughout the court room, both positive and negative. I try to remain as calm as possible, but inside I’m terribly anxious. Commander Smith, who has been quiet so far, addresses the Premier.  
\- If I may speak, Sir.  
\- Yes, of course.  
\- I apologize for any inconvenience I might have brought upon the citizens of Wall Rose.  
The Commander bows down slightly.  
\- But, I figured this was a necessary risk against a possible crisis in the future. I believe in all of my soldiers, just as I always have, and this situation is no different. I’ve said it before when Eren’s ability was revealed, and I’ll say it again. The chance we were given is nothing less than a miracle, and with precise planning on our part, we can achieve great results. I won’t ask all of you here to trust Desi and Eren, instead I have a proposition to make. Allow us to execute an expedition inside Shiganshina District.  
I gulp hard. Once more the room fills up with people whispering among themselves.  
\- The point of the said expedition will be to kill all Titans which reside there, and use Eren and Desi to finally plug the hole in the gate and return Wall Maria to humanity once more.  
Both I and Eren wear a shocked expression on our faces. How are we supposed to achieve that??  
\- I know my idea may seem crazy, but I truly believe we can make it work, and I ask of you all to give us a chance to prove it.  
The whole court room goes quiet. The Commander’s gaze is unwavering, his blue eyes holding their usual sense of great confidence and duty. After what feels like painfully long couple of minutes, Premier Zachary Dhalis is finally ready to say something.  
\- You are full of surprises, Commander Smith. I shouldn’t expect any less from you. What you’re suggesting is a very admirable goal, and also a very dangerous one. Do you really believe in its success?  
\- Yes, Sir!  
\- In that case, I have no objections against it. I’ve heard enough to make my final decision. But, before I do, does anyone in this room have any issue with Eren Yaeger and Desi being left in the care of the Survey Corps?  
His question is followed by silence.  
\- Does everyone agree to the suggested plan for taking Wall Maria back?  
Commander Nile Dok, Commander Pixis Dot, Captain Levi and even some of the people in the back all answered with a simple “Yes”.  
\- In that case, it’s decided. Erwin Smith will not lose his position, and will remain a Commander of the Survey Corps. Desi and Eren Yaeger will remain a part of the Survey Corps, and until the end of the said mission, their actions will be observed very carefully. In case of a successful mission, they will be granted the complete trust of everyone in the military, and any ill treatment towards them will be punishable. Case closed.  
  
I’m relieved, but also very worried about what’s to come next. I meet Erwin’s eyes, and smile a bit. We are finally freed from our confines. I rub my aching hands. Mikasa moves to us, and hugs Eren tight. Everyone in the court room slowly makes it outside, until only the members of the Survey Corps remain. Before I can say anything to the Commander, Jean pinches my cheek.  
\- Hey, that hurts!  
\- Such a troublemaker you are, Shortie. I was worried, you know!  
Ah, he’s using his overprotective brother voice, so typical of him. I pretend to pout, and answer him.  
\- Who asked you to be worried anyway? I’m a big girl, you know!  
\- Eh, I wouldn’t use the word “big” for your tiny body.  
\- Leave my body out of it!  
I pretend to punch Jean in the shoulder. Fooling around with him feels the best.  
\- Come on Shortie, you have a lot of explaining to do, so let’s go get some fresh air first.  
I feel the Commander’s gaze on me, and turn around. Ah, maybe I shouldn’t do this in front of him.  
\- Commander…  
\- It’s alright, Desi. You can go. We’ll talk later.  
\- Yes, Sir.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaah, to be honest, these last two chapters were a bit boring to write, but they were necessary. I'm glad they are finally over! I wouldn't be caught dead in a damn court room xD


	42. Chapter 42

We were given one month to prepare for our mission to reclaim Wall Maria. We will use this time to train our titan abilities. Both I and Eren are new to this, so we have a long way to go. Once we were released, Hanji-san didn’t waste any time, and used the opportunity to steal us away for experiments and special training with her. I still haven’t had the chance to be alone with the Commander. I miss him a lot, but I guess I will have to be patient for now. There are more important things to take care of right now, rather than living out my love story. Besides, it’s not like I even have time to think about this – Hanji-san is obsessed with figuring out whether our titans can harden their skin like the Female Titan and Armored Titan, not to mention the way she looks at the crystal like skin of my Titan. She even gave me a pet name - The Diamond titan. I don’t mind it too much, but it sounds a bit too flashy. When I tried to tell her that, she looked so upset and said stuff like: _“Nonsense! It fits you perfectly! Don’t tell me you can’t accept the lovely titan name I gave you!”_ Yeah…I can’t win against her, at least not when she’s like that. My current circumstances still feel like a very weird dream. I can’t believe I had this power inside of me all along. I could have saved so many people from dying…  
Hmm, but to be honest, I have no clue how long I’ve had it, and why exactly I posses such abilities. How does one even end up as a titan-shifter? Is it something we acquire, or we carry it in our genes…No, that’s impossible. My thoughts shift back to the frightening dream I had recently. Eren had a similar dream, didn’t he? One, in which he is turned into a titan. No, wait, that wasn't a dream, for him it was a memory flash. In my dream I was just a spectator, even if the little girl seemed awfully familiar to me. The only possibility I can think of is I’m that young girl, but due to my memory loss, I don’t recognize myself. But even if that’s true, it doesn’t make any sense, because the man she called “Daddy”, I have no idea who that is. He’s not my father….or at least I don’t think so. Judging from the slight recollections I have of him, he looks completely different.  
Argh!! My head is a complete mess! I wish I can finally remember everything, so I can stop wandering around random facts, and put all the puzzle pieces together.  
\- Hey, Desi, you will ruin your face if you keep frowning like this.  
\- Huh?  
Oh, that’s right. My mind finally comes back to reality. We’re up in the mountain. It’s secluded here, and we are far from any prying eyes, or people who can’t stand the sight of us. Hanji-san gave me and Eren a bit of rest, so we can recover our strength for the next transformation. He was so tired, that he laid down for a short nap. I wish I could do the same, but my mind is way too preoccupied. I am sitting down, and looking in the distance, lost in my own thoughts.  
\- Ah, Hanji-san, I’m sorry, I think I spaced out for a bit.  
\- You have been doing that often today.  
I smile nervously.  
\- You know, you can always tell me if anything is bothering you.  
\- I know, Hanji-san, and I am grateful, but there’s just so much going on in my mind. I’m not even sure what’s going to happen to me from now on, and I’m not even certain whether or not I can meet everyone’s expectations. What the Commander wants from me and Eren…I don’t think I can manage it…  
Hanji-san places her hands on my shoulders.  
\- Desi, I believe in you and Eren, Erwin does as well, and that’s exactly why he entrusted you both with this mission. Even Levi put his trust in you, and you know how hard it is to get under his skin. I realize this is a huge weight on your shoulders, but you’re a capable girl, and most importantly you posses a strong sense of duty. I know you’ll be great once you toss the doubts away, and believe in your own self.  
Hanji-san smiles warmly.  
\- You can do it. I know you can. Show the world what you’re made of.  
Huh? A flashback runs through my mind, my eyes fill with tears, and my vision goes blurry. Mom…?  
\- Desi, are you okay? Why are you crying?  
Hanji-san’s worried voice makes me look up at her.  
\- Hanji-san…  
My own voice sounds so distant, like it belongs to someone else.  
\- I think I finally remembered her…  
\- Remembered who, Desi?  
\- My…Mom…  
My body starts shaking, and the tears overflow. I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I think it’s a mixture of relief, happiness and deep sadness. It took too damn long…  
\- Oh, dear.  
Hanji-san looks very uneasy.  
\- I’m not really sure what to do in a situation like this. Ah, I know! Do you want me to tell you the story of how I convinced Moblit to dress like me? You see, the Commander turned down my idea to capture a titan and run experiments on it, so I had to find a way to sneak out…  
Hanji-san continues her story, but I can’t hold back anymore and burst out laughing. The mere image of the Vice Captain’s discomfort in such a crazy situation is too much. I might need to ask the Commander to tell me the whole story at one point. I make a mental note.  
\- That’s much better. You need to laugh more, it really helps. Moblit saves the day!  
\- Haha, yes, I guess so. I will make sure to thank him. Although, I’m not sure how comfortable he’ll be to know you shared this story with me, Hanji-san.  
\- Eh, he’ll be fine. He’s been through much worse.  
\- Thank you, Hanji-san.  
\- Hmm? Ah, don’t mention it.  
A broad smile follows Hanji-san’s words, and she scratches her head nervously. I shouldn’t put her in such situations anymore. That’s right, I need to be strong. There’s no place for self-doubt.  
A wobbly, still half-asleep Eren makes his way to us, rubbing his eyes.  
\- Ah, Eren, you’re up.  
Hanji-san moves to him.  
\- Did you rest well? Are you full of energy now? Because we have so much more to do!!  
Ah, Hanji-san is back to her “crazy” self. Eren’s drowsiness is quickly replaced with a look of pure terror. Poor Eren, he looks so scared. I rise from my spot, dust myself up and make my way next to the both of them, filled with much more confidence and faith in myself. 

***

After Erwin Smith finally completed the training session with the Survey Corps, he got up on his horse and galloped quickly towards the mountain. He and Levi were working very hard to prepare everyone for their mission in the near future. He was certain that with all of these talented young people they were bound to be victorious, but extra training never hurt anyone. He hadn’t seen Desi for a week now, and her absence was taking a toll on him, but he tried hard to not let it affect him. Even so, he had to at least see for himself how she’s doing. He knew how obsessed Hanji was when it came to titans, not to mention titan-shifters, so he couldn’t help but be a bit worried she might be overworking the both of them.  
When he finally made it to his destination, the sun was already sinking in the horizon. Hanji-san noticed his arrival and waved at him.  
\- Hey, Erwin!  
He moved next to her.  
\- Hello, Hanji. How are things here?  
\- Ah, the kids were just about to call it a night. It was a long day for both of them, and we made some good progress. But why did you come all the way here? Were you worried, or something?  
\- Actually, yes. I wanted to see Desi.  
\- Commander? 

***

I knew it - my mind wasn’t playing tricks on me. I definitely heard his voice. I am extremely tired, and can barely stand up, but my wobbly legs somehow manage to take me to the Commander. I offer him a sleepy smile.  
\- My dear girl…  
\- Commander…  
\- Umm, I’ll leave you two alone.  
Hanji-san quickly walks away. I chuckle lightly, and turn my attention back to the Commander.  
\- I missed you, Commander.  
\- So did I, Desi.  
\- You know, today I remembered my Mom.  
\- Really? That’s great!  
\- Yes…yes, it really is. Commander…No, Erwin…  
I sink in his arms, and breathe in his scent. He envelops me in a tight embrace, and places a kiss on the top of my head. No words are needed between us, our bodies convey enough. My body surrenders completely to the fatigue, and his warmth quickly robs me of my consciousness. I try to say something, but I’m not sure if the words even leave my lips.  
\- I…lo…ve…

***

Desi’s body started to slip down from his embrace, and Erwin quickly lifted her up in his arms.  
\- Ah, you’ve fallen asleep. I guess you were really exhausted.  
The last words she mumbled made him smile.  
\- I know, my dear, I know. Me too…How could I not?  
Erwin Smith found Hanji, and told her he’ll take Desi away for the night, and return her early in the morning. She didn’t seem to mind one bit, and even winked at him mischievously.  
Desi’s body was very light, so he didn’t have much difficulty with positioning both of them on the back of the horse, without waking her up.  
\- Feels like you lost a bit of weight, my dear.  
He held her close, and commanded his horse to set off. In such a calm night, when the sky was filled with countless stars, Erwin Smith realized just how happy he was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been meaning to give Hanji more "screen time" in my story, but at times I forget to do so, and I feel so guilty! I'm sorry, Hanji, I love you!


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is all about feelings, Yaaay! (Like a lot of my chapters XD)

When Eren woke up it was still dark out. He got up and stretched his body. He still felt quite tired, but walked out of the tent for a bit. There was no way he could go back to sleep easily, not after the dream he saw. He never told anyone, but this dream wasn’t anything new. It was actually a frequent guest in his mind, but so far he had thrown it away disparagingly. Or perhaps he was afraid to go back there – to the place where his house used to be. The place, where he once had a home and family, one that held the most painful memory of all. Yes, on one hand Eren had no desire to be there, but on the other his thirst for revenge was driving him forward. He slid his hand inside his shirt, and pulled out a key, one that was hanging on a string around his neck. He studied it carefully. This key was given to him by his father, a bit after the occurrences during 845. It was given to him with a request – to retake Wall Maria. It was a key to their basement, the only part of their home that still remained intact. Eren knew a big secret was hiding inside; otherwise his father wouldn’t have been the only one, who had a key for the place. Eren had forgotten all about his father’s request until he discovered his titan-shifter ability. And yet, he kept quiet about it. But it was finally time to come clean. Either way, whether he wanted it or not, he would soon have to face his painful past. 

**A couple of hours later, outside of Wall Maria**

\- Chief, what are we going to do with them? They’re out of control.  
Reiner, who had just come out of the Armored Titan, was watching as a bunch of titans ran around aimlessly. Next to him stood the Beast Titan – a very tall creature mostly covered with fur, its appearance quite similar to a primate. That same Titan, the one Reiner had addressed with the title “Chief”, spoke back to him.  
\- Forget about them. The experiment failed. We need to go back for now.  
\- Yes, Chief.  
Reiner examined his 3D maneuver gear, checking whether it suffered any damage inside his titan body. Bertolt looked at both of them in disbelief, and his gaze traveled back to the titans, which had spread around. He usually followed every order without raising any questions, but this time he just couldn’t do it.  
\- Chief, we can’t just leave them like this. They volunteered to be turned into titans, and help in our mission. They don’t deserve to be abandoned.  
The Beast Titan was visibly displeased by his words. Reiner, on the other hand, looked shocked.  
\- The one time I don’t ask for your opinion, and you decide to speak up. Are you trying to disobey me?  
_“Bertolt, you huge idiot! What are you trying to do?!?”_  
Reiner wanted to stand up for his friend, but he wasn’t sure whether that would do any good. While he was faced with a dilemma, Bertolt looked quite determined.  
\- I am not trying to be disobedient. I simply don’t understand how we can leave them behind just like that.  
\- They were informed of the risk prior to volunteering. We don’t have any more time to waste on unnecessary stuff.  
\- Unnecessary stuff…huh…  
Bertolt grew quiet. Reiner nudged him hard.  
\- Come on, let’s go. Don’t forget your mission. It’s our top priority.  
\- Yes…of course…I apologize, Chief.  
\- Whatever. Time to leave.  
Reiner and Bertolt followed after him. Bertolt kept looking back for a while, before deciding it’s no use. At this point his beliefs were pretty shaken up. The doubts were piling up more and more. Unknown to him was the fact Reiner had also lost his unconditional trust in their Chief. In short, they both missed the days inside the Walls with their “friends”. But that was something they could never admit out loud, because it would surely cost them their lives. 

**6:00 AM, The Commander’s Bedroom**

Desi was still sleeping soundly when Erwin Smith woke up. In fact, she slept peacefully the whole night, something which surprised him. Erwin pecked her lips, and she shuffled a bit in her sleep.  
\- It’s time to wake up, my dear.  
Erwin Smith urged her, but his voice was gentle. His fingers followed the outlines of her lips, cheeks, nose and ended up buried in her short hair, which he brushed lovingly. But Desi didn’t show any signs of waking up. Erwin smirked.  
\- Alright then, I will have to try something different.  
The Commander snuck under the covers. Last night he freed her from all the tight clothes, and put her to sleep in her underwear. Now he pulled Desi’s top up to expose her stomach, and laid kisses all over it. She immediately reacted to his touch.  
\- No, it tickles!  


***  


I nearly jump up from the sensation, still not sure what’s causing it. And then the Commander pops up from under the covers.  
\- E-Erwin!  
I look around in confusion. I’m in the Commander’s bedroom. Needless to say, I don’t remember how I got here. As if he read my thoughts, the Commander starts to explain.  
\- I came to see you yesterday, but you were too exhausted and fell asleep in my arms. So I decided to bring you here for the night. Of course, the factor that I missed you played a huge role.  
\- Oh, yes, that’s right. I remember now. But what about Hanji-san?  
\- She had no objections against it. She even supported my decision.  
\- Oh, my…Well, in that case, I guess it’s alright.  
I smile at the Commander. I missed him a lot as well, so I wrap my arms around his body, and revel in his warmth.  
\- Commander…  
He clears his throat loudly. I get the hint.  
\- Erwin, I missed you, and I’m sorry.  
\- For what?  
\- I’m sorry I’m one of them…  
The Commander loosens the hug, and looks me in the face.  
\- Desi, this is the silliest apology I’ve ever received.  
\- W-well, it might be silly, but that’s how I feel!  
\- You did nothing wrong, it’s something you had no control over. I admit, I was pretty shocked at first, but we’ve already been through this situation with Eren. I am sure it’s very scary for you, but it’s also a big help for humanity, and at this point we can use all the help we can get. I like you just the way you are – never forget that.  
I blush a deep red. Happy tears threaten to escape my eyes.  
\- How do you always know the right words to make me feel better? You are spoiling me so much, Erwin. I don’t know what I would do without you.  
\- I’m not going anywhere, so you don’t need to worry.  
The Commander embraces me.  
\- Come on, Desi, I need to get you back to Hanji and Eren. I made a promise.  
\- Yes, you’re right. Let me just wash my face and get dressed.

***

Erwin Smith was ashamed by his own thoughts. He wouldn’t dare mention them in front of Desi. Erwin realized he no longer saw her only as his little girl. Her ability showed promise, and he could use it to get closer to achieving his dream - his father’s former dream, to be precise. One Erwin inherited after the latter’s death. No, ashamed was an understatement. He felt disappointed by his selfish and twisted desires. What would she think if she ever knew? Would she still look at him with amazement in her eyes? Would she still smile the same way? Would she still trust him? Of course not, and she would have plenty of reasons not to. If the perfect image she had created of him crumbles to pieces, Erwin would never be able to bear it. No, no matter how selfish he was, he definitely couldn’t tell her the truth.


	44. Chapter 44

We head for the mountains. Our ride is mostly quiet, which provides me with a perfect opportunity to immerse myself in the beauty of nature around us. Because of the kind of life I’ve had so far, I quickly learned to enjoy the simple things. I wonder if it’s the same for the Commander. My curiosity is peaked, so I voice my question.  
\- Erwin, do you fancy these peaceful moments? Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve never asked you what kind of things you enjoy in your life. It’s silly, how little I actually know about you, outside of your position in the military.  
The Commander smiles at me.  
\- Don’t worry about such trivial matters, my dear. This is the world we live in, and sadly it revolves mainly around titans.  
\- But I still want to know more about you!  
A tinge of guilt runs through my body. I am filled with all of these feelings for someone I don’t even know well enough. So foolish.  
_“That’s why I need to learn more about the **person** Erwin Smith.”_  
In my distraction, the man in question steals a brief kiss from me.  
\- You are deep in thought once more, Desi.  
\- E-Erwin, someone might see us!  
\- I don’t mind. And if you want to learn more about me, feel free to ask. I’ll make sure to answer your questions.  
\- Hmm, in that case, what are your dreams, Erwin? Is there something you want more than anything?  
The Commander grows silent for a bit. I can’t read his expression. He is weighing his words carefully, it seems. Makes me wonder what could be so hard to vocalize.  
\- My dreams, huh…?  
A short pause.  
\- I do have one.  
I listen carefully to the Commander’s words. They flow slowly, each one of them in a tone that suggests a big secret being revealed.  
\- When I was very young, my father was killed because of me.  
An unsettling feeling awakens in the pit of my stomach.  
\- You see, he was a teacher – a very smart person. He had his own theory about our world, and one night he shared it with me. I was absorbing every single word he uttered. Honestly, I was very fascinated. In fact, in the end my very fascination turned out to be his demise.  
The Commander grows silent once more. I can imagine the painful thoughts going through him.  
\- It’s alright if you don’t wish to say anymore. I don’t want you to go back to such unpleasant memories.  
\- No, it’s okay, I will continue my story. Back then I was just a foolish and naïve kid. I thought my father’s theories and ideas were too special to be kept secret, and everyone else needs to learn them as well. So I told the rest of the class. They probably told their parents as well, because the next day my father was arrested and killed for treason. Afterwards, I made a decision and enrolled in the military.  
\- Erwin…  
What should I even say? I have no idea. He was only a child, and had to carry such a big weight on his shoulders.  
\- At the same time I made it my life’s mission to realize my father’s dream. That’s the least I can do for him. I hope that this way I’ll be forgiven. Wait, why are you crying, Desi?  
Erwin stops the horse.  
**\- I can’t help it!!**  
I bite my lips in embarrassment, and look down. Of course I would cry! My heart swells in pain for Erwin. I actually feel lucky for losing my memory.  
\- Please, don’t cry, otherwise I might cry as well.  
\- **No!** I’m sorry, I’ll stop.  
I try my best to wipe the tears away. Erwin takes a hold of my face, and lifts it up, so I can look at him.  
\- Hey, you don’t need to cry for my sake. I don’t want that, and I don’t need it. The last thing I desire is for you to cry because of me. I only want to see your beautiful smile. Will you do that for me, my dear girl?  
\- Of course!  
I manage a smile. I’m not sure how successful it actually is, but the Commander seems satisfied.  
\- That’s better.  
\- Erwin…  
I grab his hands in mine.  
\- I promise…I promise that I will do everything in my power to help your dream come true. I will work hard, and learn everything I can about my power. I hope…No, I’m sure we can take Wall Maria back. No matter what task you require of me, I will do my best. 

***

Desi’s words filled Erwin Smith with resentment at his very self. He felt like a hypocrite. How could he betray the one person, who is willing to sacrifice herself completely for his sake? Her intentions were pure, while his own were clouded by the only desire, which had been moving his life so far. Desi didn’t deserve to be lied to. But the truth was a luxury Erwin Smith wasn’t ready for. He was afraid he might lose her, if she ever learns of his true nature. Of course, there was no way he could be completely certain of her reaction, but he refused to take such risk. As much as she cared for him, and that was a lot, he knew that much, every person had a breaking point.  
\- I appreciate your efforts, my dear, but you don’t need to do all of this for me. You should do it for yourself, and follow your own goals. I don’t want you to regret your choices, because you made them for someone else…  
\- I don’t regret anything, and I never will. So, please don’t say such things anymore, Erwin.  
In Desi’s eyes he could see a confirmation of her words – they were also filled with determination.  
_“Yes, definitely similar to Levi.”_

***

A broad smile makes its way on the Commander’s lips, and I feel the tension finally leave his body.  
\- Maybe you should be the Commander, instead of me.  
\- Oh, no, I don’t think I can handle a position like that. At least not any time soon, I still have a lot to learn.  
_“If I even live that long”_ , I think to myself.  
We are moving once more, and I can already spot the mountains. I actually see smoke coming from that same direction.  
\- Seems like Hanji-san and Eren have already started.  
\- I’m not even a bit surprised. This is Hanji we’re talking about, after all.  
I chuckle slightly. Once we arrive, I am greeted by a Hanji-san that seems more enthusiastic than usual, and I am curious to learn why. She calls out to us.  
\- Hey, you two, you need to see this!  
And she gestures for us to follow her. I get down from the horse, and move in the direction of the smoke we saw on our way. It’s already dispersing, and I finally start to notice what she’s pointing at.  
\- Oh, my, he did it!  
I turn to Erwin.  
\- Erw… - I clear my throat – Commander! Eren did it! He succeeded in hardening his titan!


	45. Chapter 45

Eren crawls out of his titan, and breathes out a sigh of relief. His eyes literally beam with pride as he examines the hardened titan form he was finally able to achieve. It almost seems like both him and Hanji-san are holding a competition to see who gets to stare lovingly the most at the result of their hard work.  
\- I am so proud of you, Eren!  
Hanji-san literally strangles him in a tight hug. It sure is nice to see her this excited. I can read the words _“Help me”_ on Eren’s lips, and it makes me chuckle.  
\- Hanji, that’s quite enough. We need the boy alive, after all.  
With a smile Erwin interferes, and rescues the visibly grateful Eren. The Commander’s next words show exactly why he deserves his position.  
\- Eren, you are showing great progress, and I can’t help but look forward to the day we take Wall Maria back. I believe nothing will be able to stop us, thanks to the effort both you and Desi put in your training. With your hard work and Hanji’s guidance, I can’t wait for the day of the expedition.  
Eren scratches his head nervously. I probably have a dreamy look in my eyes.  
\- Are you trying to bore them with your long speeches, Erwin?  
A voice behind me reveals the arrival of Captain Levi.  
\- Ah, Levi, so nice of you to join us. – The Commander welcomes him.  
I greet the Captain, and he makes his way to Eren. He scans the hardened titan, completely ignoring the excited Hanji-san, who is rambling away. After a bit the Captain turns to Eren.  
\- So, you finally proved useful.  
\- Ah, y-yes.  
\- Can you do it again?  
\- Huh?  
\- I asked if you can do it again, you damn brat.  
\- YES, Captain! I will do my best!  
Following Eren’s words, Captain Levi does something which almost makes me gasp in surprise. He smiles. He actually cracks a smile, and it’s so cute in its suddenness, that I barely stop myself from letting out a loud “awwww”, since I don’t really want to die by the Captain’s hands. I notice the Commander studying Captain Levi curiously. Then I realize Hanji-san has grown quiet as well, and when I look at her she seems even more shocked than me. Furthermore, I can swear her eyes are sparkling, even more than when she saw Eren’s hardened titan form. I am not left with much time to dwell on that information, because the Captain speaks up.  
\- Good job, kid. Keep it up.  
If Eren wasn’t shocked before, he definitely is now.  
\- Y-yes, y-yes, C-captain, S-sir! – Eren somehow manages to spit out the words, stuttering at each one.  
Captain Levi notices that all eyes are on him, and it makes him visibly uncomfortable.  
\- What are you all staring at me for?!  
Ah, there he is, the Captain I know is back.  
\- Levi, are you sure you’re feeling well?  
Hanji-san makes an attempt to place a hand on the Captain’s forehead, which of course results in him slapping it away.  
\- Keep your hands to yourself, shitty four-eyes. Tsk, anyway, I’m done with what I came here for. I was sent by Zachary Dhalis to see if there’s any progress.  
\- Zachary sent you? – The Commander asked.  
\- Yes, like I’m some carrier-pigeon…  
The Captain mumbles in a dissatisfied tone, and heads back to his horse.  
The whole Zachary Dhalis ordeal makes me feel quite uncomfortable. It’s like a reality check, and the weight of our situation haunts me once more. I still haven’t made much progress since we started our one month training, and time is ticking away. I shouldn’t be this carefree. Besides, I made a promise to Erwin, and I plan on keeping it.  
\- Captain! Commander!  
A very distressed scout is moving towards us, obviously out of breath. He stops in front of Captain Levi.  
\- Did something happen?  
The calm expression doesn’t leave the Captain’s features.  
\- Titans! We saw a big group of titans around Wall Rose’s gate!  
\- So? That’s nothing new.  
\- You don’t understand, Captain. They are climbing Wall Rose!  
\- What…  
All of our expressions are now a complete copy of the scout’s anxiousness. I did have doubts about whether titans can learn to climb obstacles after my little adventure in the Forest of giant trees, but the walls? Like, seriously? If that’s true, we are in for very, very big trouble.  
The Commander leaves my side and proceeds to question the scout.  
\- Which district?  
\- Utopia district, Sir.  
\- That’s where Annie is…  
My voice is barely audible when the words leave my lips. The Commander glances my way, and I am certain he can clearly read the fear in my eyes.  
\- How many titans did you see?  
\- Around twenty abnormals, Sir, at least while I was there. But I saw more moving towards the gate. Squad Leader Mike sent me here to inform you. He and his squad went for the Titans.  
\- Gather the rest of the scouts, and go assist them. Me and Levi will put our gear on, and join you.  
\- Yes, Sir!  
The scout leaves just as quickly as he arrived. The Commander turns to Hanji.  
\- I’m leaving Eren and Desi in your care.  
\- Yes, Erwin.  
\- Let’s go, Levi.  
The Commander doesn’t even glance my way. I can’t believe my ears. What the hell does he think he’s doing?!  
\- Commander!  
Erwin stops, but doesn’t turn around to face me. My anger reverberates in every single word that leaves my lips.  
\- You aren’t seriously planning to leave us here, are you?? We can be of help. Do you really have this little trust in me…?  
The Commander finally looks at me.  
\- This has nothing to do with trust, Desi. I need both you and Eren safe for the planned expedition. I can’t take any risks. I don’t have time to discuss this question any further.  
\- But…  
\- I made myself clear.  
I am left looking at his back as they both leave. I absolutely hate it when he looks at me this way. It hurts, god damn it, hurts so much…Both anger and hurt brew inside of me. My eyes fill with tears, but I quickly wipe them away. I run to my tent, and start putting my gear on. I’m trying to be as quick as possible, and almost mess up some of the belts. You might think I’m a huge child for letting my emotions take charge, but I couldn’t care less. The Commander is much more important to me than following orders, and if that makes me disobedient and unfit for a soldier, then that’s fine with me, but I won’t just sit around while everyone risks their lives. When I exit the tent, all prepared and ready to go, all eyes are of course on me. Before Hanji-san has the chance to say anything, Eren interrupts her.  
\- **What do you think you’re doing?!**  
\- What I see fit for this situation. – I simply answer.  
Eren grabs me by the shoulders, his expression one of pure annoyance with my actions. I meet his gaze, my eyes not wavering for even a bit.  
\- Don’t you think I want to fight those titans as well?? But an order is an order.  
\- Really? You’re gonna be the one to give me a lecture like this? – I challenge him. – Let go of me, Eren.  
\- Not happening.  
\- Seriously, why the hell do you even care what I do?? It’s none of your business!  
This whole situation is seriously getting on my nerves, and I don’t even consider my words anymore. Eren looks really pissed off, but he finally lets me go.  
\- Fine, do whatever the fuck you want. Why I even bother is beyond me.  
_“Finally”_ , I think before passing him, still awaiting Hanji-san’s reaction. But she doesn’t really do or say anything. I probably feel the guiltiest towards her. All the blame might fall on her for not stopping me.  
\- I’m sorry, Hanji-san. I really am. But I have to do this.  
\- I understand. – Her lips form a warm smile. – Go get them!  
Just from these simple words I feel the whole tension leave my body, and a few tears of gratitude escape my eyes.  
\- Thank you, Hanji-san…Thank you so much!  
I hug her tightly, and she hugs me back. She is probably the closest to a mother figure I’ve had during my years in the military. I make a mental note of telling her how I feel as soon as possible. With that, I get on my horse and head for Utopia District, my mind once again filled with thoughts of Erwin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I took a huge break from writing this fanfic for two main reasons. First: I lost my inspiration, and once it runs away, you know how hard it is to catch... Second: I didn't really like how Chapter 45 looked while I was writing it. I felt like something was missing. I even thought it was way too boring, and I didn't quite feel that it was alright in general. Thankfully, I finally managed to overcome those obstacles, and I hope I did good :)


	46. Chapter 46

\- Don’t let a bunch of abnormals get the best of you! Since they’re so keen on climbing, let’s throw them down on their asses!  
Even his brave words didn’t change the fact that Squad Leader Mike was quite worried by the situation at hand. It was the first time this many abnormals gathered together, and the worst part was they kept coming in a never-ending stream. It almost seemed like they came with a clear purpose in mind. Other than eating humans, that is. Both titans and humans had already experienced serious casualties, and the fight was far from over. Even Mike found himself struggling with handling the abnormals, even more so after seeing half his squad already dead. Nanaba and Gelgar were still keeping it together, that was a relief on its own, but he wished Levi would be there soon. As the two strongest soldiers in the military, together they could push away the titans much more efficiently. What was keeping him so long anyway?  
And then his nose twitched. Mike smiled. It was the smell of the titans’ doom. Captain Levi and Commander Smith landed on top of the wall, next to Mike.  
\- What’s the situation? – Commander Smith asked.  
\- We’ve lost quite a few soldiers, since we can’t predict most of the titans’ actions. Not to mention the constant need to keep them from climbing the wall. I’ve never seen anything like this before.  
\- Levi, I trust you and Mike can handle most of the titans.  
\- You bet your ass. – The Captain answered quickly, which made Erwin Smith smile a bit.  
\- Our mission is to keep them away from the wall and Annie Leonhart.  
Thus ended their talk, and all three of them joined the fight for survival. 

***

Can’t this horse go any faster?? I’m at the brink of my frustration, which I realize is foolish, but it’s the fuel that keeps me going, and the poor animal isn’t in any way at fault for my out of control feelings.  
\- Not much different from Eren, huh…? No wonder we can’t really get along.  
Once I go through Utopia District, which is I’m guessing completely evacuated at this point, I stop my horse in front of Wall Rose and make my way up with the 3D maneuver gear.  
\- What…is this…  
The sight before me freezes me in my spot. I expected the situation to be quite serious, but this is too much for me to comprehend at first. Why are there this many abnormals in one place?? It’s a rare sight, to say the least. Since when do all of them know how to climb walls?? As if they weren’t dangerous enough and unpredictable already. Why am I just standing here?? Move, body, move! My frozen with fear limbs finally manage to free themselves. I grab hold of the grips and pull my blades out.  
\- **Why are you here?!**  
I stop midstep, startled by the painfully familiar voice.  
_“Now’s not the time to give me lectures, damn it!”_ the voice inside of me screams.  
\- Do we really need to do this again, Commander? You can lecture me all you want after this whole mess is taken care of.  
I attempt to walk past him, but he grabs my arm.  
\- No means no, and you need to finally learn that.  
I pull my arm away.  
\- And you need to finally accept that if I want to fight, I will fight, and there’s nothing you can do about it! **Stop treating me like a damn child!!**  
I am immediately filled with extreme guilt for shouting, but I send it flying along with my body, as I literally throw myself at the titans, ready to take my anger out on them. Quite a therapeutic “hobby”, don’t you think?  
I am certain I can imagine Erwin’s angry face, but that only helps me fight, while also leaving me very open to surprise titan attacks. If the situation requires it, I can always turn into a titan, but I don’t fancy the idea. I’d rather fight as a human. My newfound ability is my very last resort, and unless I’m ordered otherwise I don’t plan on embracing it.  
\- Take this, you asshole!  
Another unfortunate titan faces my blades. I noticed I’ve gotten much more agile, and cutting titans down doesn’t require as much effort as before. Guess the hard training is finally paying off. A frightening thought crosses my mind.  
_“Or maybe you’re not as scared anymore now that you’re one of them.”_ Well, that quickly chases my adrenaline away. I climb to a higher spot on the wall, in order to escape an incoming titan attack and catch a breather. That’s when I hear a voice, one that I can’t recognize. The words aren’t easy to make out at first, as if the person is just now learning how to speak properly. It’s like something you’d hear a young child say. But after a bit the sentence it keeps repeating becomes clear in my mind.  
_“Kill the leader!”_  
Did I…just hear…a titan’s voice?... I am dumbfounded to say the least, but then my brain finally catches up to the situation.  
Kill…the…leader…  
Kill…  
Leader…  
\- **Erwin!!**  
My eyes immediately search for the Commander, until I finally catch a glimpse of him. He’s fighting off a titan not too far from me. For a split second the titan turns its head towards me, and I hear that same voice once more.  
_“Kill the leader!”_  
Goosebumps run through my whole body.  
\- Erwin, get away from there!!  
As if time slows down, my movements feel painfully distant, my eyes glued firmly to the figure of the Commander. Another titan coming from his side distracts Erwin long enough for him to lose sight of his original opponent.  
A little more…  
The titan opens its big mouth.  
Just a bit more…  
I pray to make it on time, but my prayers are left unheard. The titan bites down on the Commander’s arm, sending droplets of blood flying in the air. My heart stops for a moment. As if planned, the titan turns around and runs away towards the hole in Wall Maria, clutching Erwin’s body tightly between its teeth.  
\- Where… **THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING?!**  
I immediately chase after it, ignoring all other titans on the way. At this point tears of both anger and pain are falling from my eyes, threatening to hinder my vision, but I couldn’t care less. The Commander is desperately trying to escape, and in one single moment my heart stops once more. He swings his blade and cuts his arm off, freeing himself from the clutches of the titan. I make it just in time to take hold of his body before it falls to the ground. He’s a bit heavy for me to carry, but I do my best to move us both away from the titan. We land on the nearest house, and I lay him down on the roof. The sight of the blood and his missing limb makes me sick to my stomach, but I quickly tear a piece of my sleeve off and wrap it just above the cut as efficiently as my trembling fingers allow me. The Commander lets out a groan of pain when I tighten the knot on the cloth.  
\- Forgive me, Erwin.  
More tears escape my eyes. I wipe them away.  
\- This should stop the bleeding for now. I will be back in a bit.  
I turn around, only to find the titan has finally realized his prey is missing. It quickly starts to move towards me. The nerve of that fucker.  
\- You’ve got guts going against me. **I’ll shred you to pieces!!**  
Driven by rage, I move towards the titan quickly, and ram my now dull blades into its eyes, just as it’s about to attack me. I jump away, take out a new pair of blades and proceed to cut down every single limb, until its body hits the ground. I land on the back of the titan’s neck and thrust my blades into the nape, sending a huge chunk of flesh flying. It’s not enough…Not even close…My whole body is covered in titan blood. The rage has taken over every single fiber of my existence, begging to be released. My ears are ringing, and I barely make out the faint voice of the Commander.  
\- Desi…  
It quickly snaps me back, and I make my way to him. The previous feeling of guilt quickly envelops me, the tears flooding my eyes once more. My body trembling, I embrace the Commander’s body in a hug.  
\- I’m sorry…I’m so sorry…  
\- What…are you…apologizing for?  
Erwin is barely holding on to his consciousness.  
\- I couldn’t come to you on time…I’m so sorry…  
\- Silly…girl…  
I hold the Commander’s unconscious body tight, not willing to let go for even a second. I am forced to do so, when I hear a large group of titans approach us from the direction of Wall Rose. I prepare myself for what’s to come, but the titans don’t pay me even an ounce of attention and instead run towards Wall Maria.  
\- What the hell…  
\- Oi, kid, stop daydreaming!  
I quickly turn around.  
\- Captain!  
\- Come on, we need to get Erwin to a doctor.  
I glance back at the Commander, a tinge of pain running through my body.  
\- Yes…Yes, Sir!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter was...difficult to say the least, but I needed it for plot purposes.


	47. Chapter 47

\- One more time!  
I fight with the overbearing fatigue. My whole body is drenched in sweat, making my clothes stick to me in an unpleasant way, but I’m not done yet. I’m not ready to call it a day. I refuse to give up while I still have any strength left.  
\- That’s more than enough, Desi.  
Hanji-san tries to stop me, but I ignore her and attempt to summon my titan form once more. I flinch in pain once the blade cuts through my arm. With every single time it gets much easier to deal with. However, nothing happens. I throw the blade away in frustration, and plop down on the grass.  
\- You can take a break once in a while, you know.  
Eren approaches and sits down next to me. I pay him no mind, and continue to stare into space, all kinds of thoughts occupying my mind. I feel something drip down to my lips. Eren extends a hand and wipes the blood away.  
\- Are you trying to kill yourself?  
I flinch from the sudden contact and slap his hand away. I let out a disgruntled sigh and stand up.  
\- Just leave me alone.  
I slip into my tent and grab my gear. If I can’t train here, I might as well work on my 3D maneuver gear skills.  
\- Desi, please, at least rest for a bit. You haven’t taken any breaks since early in the morning…  
\- I’m fine. – I answer Hanji-san and disappear into the forest.

***

\- Tsk, what’s gotten into her??  
This was the first time Eren had seen Desi act this rashly. It looked like she was literally trying to destroy herself.  
\- Guess she’s got a lot on her mind…  
Hanji’s gaze followed Desi until she could no longer see her. She was visibly worried for the girl. 

***

I make my way to the training grounds. Everyone should be having lunch, so that gives me at least an hour to train in peace. Or so I thought.  
\- What are you doing here?  
I swear under my breath. I just want to be alone, is that too much to ask for??  
\- I asked you something, Desi.  
\- I came here to train, that’s all.  
\- You know very well you can’t use the training grounds without my permission.  
\- Yes, I am aware, Captain.  
I let out a loud sigh.  
\- Can I train while the others are having lunch?  
\- No.  
I click my tongue in annoyance.  
\- What’s the big deal?? It’s not like I’m bothering anyone.  
\- I don’t like your tone, Desi. I suggest you watch your words.  
\- **Or what?? You’re gonna beat me up?? Kick me out of the Survey Corps?? Give me to the Military Police?? I couldn’t care less what happens to me!!**  
I expect the Captain to at least get angry, but that doesn’t happen. He studies my face in silence, which after a while starts to make me feel quite uncomfortable.  
\- What happened to Erwin is not your fault.  
\- What…  
\- You really think I don’t know what’s going through your mind?  
\- I…  
But the words escape me. I bite my lips, trying hard to suppress the tears that have been threatening to overwhelm me. Like that would work. I fall down on my knees, the tears pooling in my eyes.  
\- If only I was faster… - I clench my shaking hands in fists - If only I had noticed the titan earlier…  
\- If only titans were vegetarians, we would be having the time of our lives.  
I can’t help but laugh at the Captain’s comment, which in combination with my tear stained face probably resembles something close to a complete maniac. I try my best to wipe the tears away.  
\- Look, Desi…  
The Captain sits down next to me. Up close he really is as small as me. It’s kind of cute.  
\- When I lost my squad, I blamed myself for being an incompetent leader. I took the whole responsibility for their deaths, even when I knew I shouldn’t have. They looked up to me, stood by my side with pride, and I let them down…  
\- Captain…  
\- I understand what you’re going through, but you shouldn’t do this. The punishment you’re forcing on yourself is only going to hurt you in the end. It won’t help anyone. Besides, Erwin is still alive and kicking, so you have a good reason to be strong, don’t you think so?  
_“I guess so”_ is what I want to answer, but no words come out. It would have been much easier if I actually believed everything is fine, but the guilt is eating me alive. I understand it’s not really my fault, I’m not that much of an idiot, but whenever my mind goes back to what happened, my heart clenches in pain.  
\- When are you going to see how Erwin is doing?  
Ah, the inevitable question.  
\- …Soon...  
\- How soon is that?  
\- Just…soon…  
My eyes are glued to the grass at my feet.  
\- Alright, let’s go.  
I finally look at the Captain.  
\- Where?  
\- To see Erwin. Where else?  
\- No…I can’t do that…Not yet…  
\- Yes, you can, and you will. We’ve wasted enough time just sitting around.  
\- But…  
\- Don’t make me repeat myself!  
S-s-scary!!  
This is the least I can do after the Captain went out of his way to, I guess, comfort me. I follow after him, still just as afraid of facing Erwin. 

***

Our walk to the Commander’s room is mostly quiet. We said more than enough, anyway. My body is screaming at how uncomfortable this whole situation is.  
\- Ummm, Captain?  
\- Yes?  
\- Can you go in first? I will follow after you…I promise I won’t run away!  
\- Tch, fine, suit yourself.  
Captain Levi opens the door and makes his way inside.  
\- Oi, Erwin, still lazing around?  
\- Oh, it’s you, Levi.  
My legs are glued to the ground. I can’t make myself go in, so I lean on the wall and just listen to their talk, my heart beat going crazy. 

***

\- You look like hell, old man.  
Erwin smirked.  
\- And I feel like hell.  
\- What did the doctor say?  
\- I’ll live.  
\- You sure as hell will. Don’t you dare die on us!  
The Commander smiled.  
\- I’m not planning to.  
The Captain glanced over his shoulder, but Desi was nowhere to be found.  
\- Are you looking for something?  
\- No, nevermind.  
Levi sat down on the chair next to Erwin’s bed, visibly annoyed. The Commander raised his eyebrow curiously.  
\- Are you alright, Levi?  
\- Tsk, screw it. When are you and that brat gonna talk to each other?  
\- Excuse me?  
\- Don’t play dumb! You’re both behaving like complete idiots, and it’s honestly getting on my nerves.  
\- Ah, Desi…I don’t really have anything to say to her...

***

There it is. I feel suffocated. Everything I was afraid of is coming true. I want to get out of this place. I don’t want to hear anymore.  
\- What the hell does that mean?? – the Captain’s voice is the last thing I hear before my legs finally take me away, my eyes burning from all the tears I’m barely holding back. 

***

\- You know what, the hell with this! How long are you just gonna stand there?? Get your ass over…  
Captain Levi made his way outside the room, but there was no one there.  
_“This has to be a joke…”_ , he thought to himself.  
\- You two are going to be the end of me…  
Erwin Smith looked at him, confused.  
\- I managed to drag Desi here, like I’m some damn babysitter, and you just had to spout out such bullshit!  
Erwin’s expression darkened.  
\- I was only telling the truth…  
\- Truth, my ass! You know what, fine, be idiots, both of you. See if I care!  
Captain Levi slammed the door behind him.  
Erwin Smith was alone with his thoughts once more. He looked at the bandages, where his right arm used to be. All kinds of feelings were running around his mind and body, but none of them settled down for long. He felt like a complete idiot.  
\- I’m sorry, Desi…But this is for the best…  
He lied to himself once more.


	48. Chapter 48

I feel sick. My head is throbbing and my body feels faint. Another trail of blood trickles down from my nose. I finally make it outside. My body slides down to the ground. A little fresh air might make things a bit better. I can’t keep going like this anyway, so it’s better to sit down for now. Anywhere will do. I’d rather not faint. I have enough on my plate as it is. Although, to be honest, a bit of sleep sounds like heaven right now. I just want to forget everything I’m feeling. I knew it since the start – I should have never gotten this close to the Commander. I should have never let myself fall for him to this extent. I would have been better off watching and admiring him from the sidelines.  
\- Screw all of this! It hurts…God damn it…It hurts…  
\- Shortie?  
\- Huh…Jean…  
My vision feels all hazy. I can only make out the figure of my best friend. My body feels extremely heavy. I somehow get up, and attempt to walk towards him.  
\- Je…an…  
But in no time I stumble back to the ground, hitting my head hard and blackout completely. 

***

\- Shortie!  
Jean quickly made his way to Desi, and picked her up in his arms. He felt something wet on the hand he was holding her head with, and upon examining it noticed it was blood.  
\- What the hell, Shortie…  
He ran as fast as he could with Desi in his arms. 

***

\- _Mommy, mommy, look at me! Don’t you think I look like one of the Survey Corps??  
\- Don’t be silly! Take that towel off and come help me!  
*  
\- Daddy! Please, don’t go! Stay, Daddy!  
\- You know I can’t. Daddy has an important job to do.  
\- When will I see you again, Daddy??  
\- Soon, I promise.  
*  
\- Daddy, stop! I don’t want this!  
\- This is your role, and you need to accept it.  
\- No, please don’t, Daddy!  
\- Stay still!  
*  
\- You are very beautiful!  
\- Not as beautiful as you, Young Lady.  
\- I want to be in the Survey Corps when I grow up!  
\- In that case, I will be waiting for you.  
*  
\- We need to run as fast as we can! Don’t let go of my hand, until we make it to the boat!  
\- Yes, Mom!_

***

Agh! It’s all a damn blur. I feel like I haven’t moved in forever. Too many places hurt at once. I move a hand to my head, and that’s when I feel the bandage around it. Where the hell am I? I was with my mom just a second ago, escaping from the titan invasion…Wait…That’s not…entirely true…If it were, I shouldn’t be remembering all kinds of events with the Survey Corps….  
\- Desi…Desi…  
I hear a faint voice call out to me. My ears are pretty much ringing, so I can’t really make out who it belongs to. Come on, eyes, focus! I at least want to see his face. My prayers are answered almost instantly.  
\- Jean?  
\- Finally, Shortie! I was getting worried! You were mumbling in your sleep, and it seemed like you were having a nightmare. Quickly, how many fingers am I holding??  
I raise my eyebrow.  
\- Really, Jean?  
\- I’m serious! Now, tell me.  
\- Four, including the one you were apparently trying to eat?  
Jean takes notice of his slightly bleeding finger.  
\- Hey, that’s because I was worried! I know it’s a bad habit…  
\- I’m fine now…I think. How long was I out for?  
\- A couple of hours.  
\- Hmm…  
I’m trying to make sense of all the confusing memories, and put order into the scattered puzzle pieces. Is it possible I actually got my memory back? If that’s true, I admired Erwin even before he rescued me, and for such a long time. How could I even forget that…Tears emerge from my eyes, which puts Jean into a panic.  
\- Shortie, what’s wrong?! Does it hurt somewhere?!  
\- Yes…it does…it hurts here…  
I place a hand on my chest, where my heart is aching uncontrollably. The next few minutes Jean gets to hear the whole story from beginning to end, including what happened earlier today. I’m not sure how much he understood, since I’m half crying, half talking. To my surprise, in the end he doesn’t look a tiny bit surprised.  
\- You really don’t understand men, do you, Shortie?  
\- Excuse me?  
\- Of course he wouldn’t want to face you in the condition he’s in. I would act the same way, if I were him. His pride is damaged. It’s only natural he doesn’t want the girl he likes to see him in such a shameful state.  
\- Pride? All of this is because of his pride??  
I face palm dramatically.  
\- You’re telling me I felt bad for nothing?  
\- Well, it’s not exactly nothing. It’s something important for any man.  
\- For the love of God…  
Well, now I’m angry, more than anything else.  
\- You also have your pride, Shortie, you should understand what is going through his mind. Try to put yourself in his shoes.  
Jean’s words make me fall into a deep thought. I sigh, defeated.  
\- I guess you’re right. If that’s the only problem, I know what to do! – I practically shout, full of determination.  
\- I already pity the Commander, somehow. – says Jean, scratching his cheek.  
I don’t pay attention to his words, though, because I’m already devising the whole idea in my head. I quickly get out of the bed, forgetting I was hurt in the first place. I hug Jean tightly, thanking him for his help, and head for the door.  
\- Wait, Shortie, what about your injury?  
\- Oh, this thing?  
I remove the bandage, and show him the back of my head.  
\- It’s already fine, see? I have some extra abilities now, remember?  
I sprint outside, and head for the closest marketplace. 

***

I can’t stop the excitement, nestled in the pit of my stomach. Every other feeling I experienced before getting my memories back is put aside for now. If what Captain Levi told me is correct, Erwin should be taking a nap right now. I had to apologize and bow at least a hundred times, before he gave me that information. I deserved that, so it’s fine. I enter the room, and try not to make too much noise. The Commander is sleeping soundly. I make it to his side, and my gaze instantly stops on his sleeping face. I haven’t seen it in a while. He’s got quite the stubble once again. I can’t help myself. My hand runs through his cheek, my eyes smiling. I almost jump when his voice catches me off guard.  
\- Desi, what are you doing here?  
\- Ah! Commander! You scared me!  
Why am I back to calling him Commander?  
\- I wanted to check on you, of course. I haven’t seen you since you got hurt.  
\- I’m doing fine, but I want to be alone.  
Not happening, Erwin.  
\- You know you can talk to me about it, right?  
\- There really isn’t anything to talk about.  
Come on, Desi, you can do it!  
\- Look, Commander…Erwin, I won’t try to understand how you feel. But I won’t allow you to throw away what we have because you feel ashamed or embarrassed about your state. Because, really, it doesn’t matter to me…  
\- **Well, it matters to me!**  
\- Erwin...  
I bite my lips in frustration, and in an attempt not to lose it as well.  
\- Taking it out on me isn’t going to solve anything. I feel responsible enough as it is, but I’m trying to work past that. Can’t you do that as well…?  
Erwin simply averts his eyes. That’s it!  
\- I see words aren’t going to get through to you. In that case, you leave me no choice.  
I grab his face and kiss him. I take a pause before I get sucked into the sweet embrace of the kiss, and let my next words escape.  
\- I love you, Commander Erwin Smith! – I almost shout – I always have, and I always will! Ever since I was just a child, who admired you. We can either work this out and move on, or…Actually, there’s no or. I’m not giving you any other options. Call me selfish, but I’m going to fight for us, because I believe what happened between us and your role in my life isn’t a mere accident. I plan to prove it to you every single day, so just learn to live with it!  
I’m out of breath when I finally finish my sentence. I rushed out all the words I practiced saying earlier, in fear I might either forget something, or stop myself from being as direct as planned. With a shaking hand, I take out the small box I bought from the marketplace earlier. I take the lid off, and show it to Erwin.  
\- These are promise rings – I blush a dark crimson – I’m not m-making any wild s-suggestions here – Damn, my shaking voice – I just felt like I wanted to do this with you, to prove how I feel, and to thank you, for everything. Oh, and yeah, if it wasn’t obvious enough already, all my memories are back.  
My lips curl in a big smile.


	49. Chapter 49

Erwin was caught completely off guard by Desi’s words and actions. He remained silent though, wearing his usual poker face, not giving off any of his inner struggles. With his injury he wasn’t able to fight titans anymore, and he might die any given day. He preferred to protect her from the sorrow of that moment. As much as she would hurt now, the pain will be worse whenever he meets his inevitable end, so it was better to cut things off as quickly as possible. He was also haunted by his selfish desires. He had given up on making his dream come true, if it means to use her in any way. He could finally make that decision, however hard it was. He refused to hurt her, not anymore. Yes, he had to believe this was for the best, otherwise he wouldn’t be able to go through with it. 

***

Erwin keeps shifting his eyes between me and the rings. I’m red all up to my ears, and it would be nice if he finally speaks up!  
\- Erwin, I beg of you, say something! I’m embarrassed enough as it is!  
I feel like steam will come out of my ears any given moment.  
\- I already told you, I would like to be left alone. I want to rest.  
His words, his gaze, so cold. I freeze in my spot, like he cast a spell on me. No, that’s not true. His eyes can’t fool me. He might act cold, but if only he knew how his blue irises look right now. As stubborn as a mule, huh? I was warned, wasn’t I? The gears in me shift as well, and I meet his gaze. I can also be as heartless as I wish.  
\- So, that’s how we’re going to do this. Alright then.  
I close the box and put it on the nightstand next to his bed, my eyes not moving an inch away from his own.  
\- If you don’t plan on being honest, I will just have to get the truth out of you in a different way. Let us see if you’re as committed to your words as you pretend to be.  
I remove the cover from his lower body, and climb on top of him.  
\- Desi, what do you think you’re doing?  
\- Take a guess.  
I can’t believe I’m actually doing any of this, but at this point I hardly care. If playing dirty will finally get my point across, then so be it. I rest my hands on the Commander’s thighs.  
\- Are you going to be honest, Erwin? Still playing the silent card, huh? Alright then.  
I slip one hand between his legs, fondling and squeezing the spot. It doesn’t take him too long to react.  
\- Your body is much more honest than its owner.  
Erwin grabs my hand, thus stopping my actions.  
\- Don’t do this.  
\- I think you’re forgetting you’re in a bit of a disadvantage in this situation.  
The insinuation hidden in those words leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I simply change the hand I’ve been using. Erwin lets go, and moves his gaze from me.  
\- Do whatever you wish.  
\- As you command.  
I unbutton and slide his pants and underwear down. I move my own out of the way. Wearing a skirt is actually paying off. A pained moan leaves my lips. Being penetrated so quickly isn’t the best possible feeling, but I’m not doing this for pleasure anyway. That’s the least of my concerns. I swallow the pain and commence moving. If the situation was different, this would have been very sexy. I study all the small changes in Erwin’s expression. He’s trying hard to fight the desire, a losing battle for sure. His silent treatment is still underway though. I bend forward a little and make him face me.  
\- Look at me, Erwin. Feel me, just like I feel you deep inside.  
Damn, this is actually starting to feel really good.  
\- You survived, you’re alive, you’re still here. You’re my reason to keep fighting! You’ve always been…  
At this point the tears have made their way in my eyes, and are trickling down my face, free from any constraints.  
\- I remember, Erwin…You told me you will wait for me. I’m here now, I’m not going anywhere, no matter what happens from here on out. This doesn’t bother me. I’m not that shallow…  
My whole body is shaking from the intensity of the tears, and every single feeling encased in them. My lips find his own once more, my arms enveloping his warm body. This warmth I grew to love, I can’t let it go. Not in this lifetime. Erwin tries to close his eyes and look away, but all the emotions going through his mind are visible on his face. His poker face is broken. One would think he finally surrendered to the desire, but I know better. He answers my kisses, making my whole body tingly from pleasure.  
\- Erwin…I love you…  
Moans intertwine with kisses, my movements intertwine with his thrusts. At the peak of elation I finally hear his warm voice, right now more strained than anything else.  
\- Get off, Desi…I won’t be able to hold back.  
Instead I lock my legs behind his body.  
\- It’s alright, Erwin.  
My tear-stained face is glowing with happiness. The deep groan, which escapes Erwin’s throat, is like music to my ears. The sensation is hot and satisfying. Erwin buries his head in my neck, breathing heavily. The short silence is painful, as it hangs around us once more. To my surprise, he wraps his arm around my small body and holds me tight.  
\- I won’t be able to hold you like before.  
\- I don’t care. - I answer immediately.  
\- I won’t be able to fight anymore.  
\- You are the Commander of the Survey Corps. We will do the fighting.  
\- I’ll need you to nurse me, wearing a sexy costume.  
\- I will do that gladly!..... **Wait, what?!** Was that a joke, because I’ll definitely do it!  
We both burst out laughing. Tears, this time from pure happiness, escape my eyes.  
\- What the hell are you two doing?  
My heart jumps in my chest. I refuse to turn around in this embarrassing state and pose. My whole face is probably red, all up to my ears. Unlike me, Erwin isn’t feeling as embarrassed, and calmly greets the Captain, still holding me tight in his embrace.  
\- Hello, Levi.


End file.
